Day 6 - A little road rash never hurt anyone...

We all woke up at our usual mid-to-late morning time, and we systematically stunned that Greg actually got up and got away.

No, seriously. He was almost without fail the last one up every morning...and somehow got up to catch his 7:55am bus to the airport. Actually, in talking to him once we got back, he was a little surprised he got up, too....

While Mike and I had been tentatively talking about going to the Mayan Ruins, the fact that Jon was still chomping on Imodium like friggin' Pez ruled that out, due to bus riding-related concerns.

So what are we to do? We decided to catch the ferry over to Cozumel and rent scooters.

One interesting point? I took this picture of the beach we spent most of our time on from the ferry about...oh...... a third of the way to Cozumel? It was at about this point Jon conceded that it was likely best he and Greg didn't get that bost free.... cuz they'd have never made it....


On the way over, we spot someone who's not enjoying the trip. Upon seeing our seasick friend a few rows up, Jon mentions in passing: "You know, with all we've done, I'm amazed nobody's puked yet."

Take note. That's important later.

Anyway, as we pulled into Cozumel there was another one of those giant cruise ships... and after the requisite "bigger'n a normal boat" comment, I decided that cruise ships are definitely the way to travel. You can keep your Bentleys...I want an ocean liner!

So, yeah... Derrick and Lindsay (the couple from Calgary that, amazingly, were still speaking to us) had said that they rented a car when they went to Cozumel earlier in the week, but that was mostly because they had snorkling stuff, etc. of which we had none.

That and we wanted to ride scooters.

Anyway, so once we got to Cozumel, as Derrick had emplored we didn't just go to the first Mexican yelling about rentals...which saved us like $10 each as it was... and then talked our dude down to $15 each, being the cheap pricks we are, and went to get our choppers. Never has the term been used more loosely. All three were pretty much pieces of shit, but they (mostly) ran fine, so who cares...? Just as we're leaving, the guy gives us little maps of the island so that we'd have a clue where we're going (it's basically just a big circle....I'm not sure it's possible to get lost....but we played along), and then points out where the nude beaches (supposedly) are (supposedly? yes.... there wasn't anyone there, so I'm skeptical... but that might be explained easily in a moment). However, that wasn't quite enough. The dad of the guy that was around, and as our dude was finishing up the paper work... he asks: "So, you guys looking for women? You know, like pussy?"[emphasis his]

At this point, in case we were unclear what he was asking about, he proceeds to make the hand gesture you see to the right, put it to his mouth and flash us his tongue between the fingers......

Yes, a sketchy middle aged Mexican just gave us the universal sign of eating pussy. Lovely. Our collective eyes must have just got the size of dinner plates. Like, if you've been reading along I'm sure you're aware that Mike, Jon and I aren't exactly fresh out of Sunday School here..... but man. Some things are just uncalled for. The best part? He didn't stop there! He proceeded to fill us in on the best places for obtaining said women, which was fine.... until he mentioned: "At [this place] you're looking at like $40 to $50. They'll ask for more, don't pay any more than that. But at [this other place], you're probably looking at more like $100, but you'll see....it's worth it. The women are much more, how you say, cleaner and better. Oh, and in either case, don't forget to use a glove, you know... [holds out left index finger and cups right hand around it..again, as if somehow he had previously been unclear]"

Sweet jebus. That did not just happen. I did NOT just get safe sex advice from that guy.

I feel dirty.

Anyway, we hit the road... or rather, I promptly stall in the first intersection.

Iain: "Is this a good time to mention I've never ridden a bike of any kind before?"
Mike: "HA! I was just about to ask if you're enjoying your first time on a bike....but I didn't want to be mean.....hahahaha"
Iain: "That obvious, huh?"

To explain, I got honked at while I was stalled in the middle of the intersection, and then almost took out an innocent bystander once I got it going again..... oh, and I almost lost a flip flop, too... This was all about 10 yards from where we rented them. I'm a natural, clearly...

But after the initial "jitters" I got the hang of it pretty quickly, and we were off....

So after a while, we stopped at this little bar by the beach for a couple. A really nice spot for a break before we headed back down the coast.

So part way down the coast, we decided to stop for a swim... The beach was beautiful, and all...but it was funny how the sand was considerably more coarse than most beaches. We suspect that's due to the effects of the hurricane, which had decimated this side of the island. We kinda figured that coarse sand doesn't mesh well with nude beaches. You might notice there aren't exactly a lot of tall trees in the pictures above, and also, the roads were either really crappy or brand new... hardly any middle ground.

So after another little pit stop just before turning back inland, we get back to the place we rented the scooters. Just as we're about to leave, the Sketchy Hand Gesture Guy yells out to us...

SHGG: Hey...guys......who was on the red one?
Iain (stupidly): Uh, me?
SHGG: See this mark? [pointing to the front of the scooter] That's new.
Iain: Um, what? No it's not.
SHGG: Hey, I know these machines... and that's new.
Iain: No, really.... it's not. (thinking: He totally saw me almost wipe out within a few feet of leaving, and is trying to fuck me.....grrrrrrrrr!) I know it looked bad when I left, but that was the only trouble I had!
[Editor's Note: White lie..... I had a couple of other incidents, but I didn't fucking hit anything! And that's all the matters right now...]
SHGG: Okay, fine....if you tell me the truth, I won't charge you...but if you lie and say you didn't do it, I'm going to charge you for it.
Iain: (thinking: What the fuck kind of trap question is that?!?) Look, honestly....I didn't hit anything, and I'm actually pretty sure that mark was there before, anyway....
SHGG: Really, just tell me you did it, and I won't charge you.....but if you say you didn't, I'm going to charge you.
Iain: Seriously, I didn't (fucking) hit anything (motherfucker), and those marks were there before (you stupid fucking bastard!).
SHGG: Okay, fine... I believe you...... so next time you come to the island, come here and we'll give you a good deal. I also promise new scooters for all three of you!
All: Yeah, um...sure..... [walking away quickly]

So we ended up missing the 6pm ferry back, and decided that the best way to pass the time was clearly to grab a couple more beers. At which point Jon mentions: "Good thing he didn't ask about the licence plate being ripped to shit on my scooter from the wheelies I did, huh?"

Asshole.

But he was quickly uprooted as resident asshole when a couple of women stagger in. Now, it should be noted that our bartender is a Mexican wearing a green "Kiss Me I'm Irish" t-shirt. Get it? haha.... it's supposed to be funny, right? Well....

Drunk Woman #1 (in a thick American accent): "Kiss me I'm Irish? You're not Irish, I'm Irish....kiss my ass!"
DW1 (fixing her gaze on our table, after apparently losing interest in her non-Irish Mexican friend): "Hey, are you guys from the States?"
Jon: "Naw, we're Canadian."
DW1 (pointing exaggeratedly at her companion, DW2): "We're from the States!"
Jon (deadpan): "You're kidding...."
DW1 (unfazed): "Yeah, we're from Mississippi!"

At this point, Mike's sucking hard on his beer. He has gone on record earlier in the week when we've passed drunk Americans who have asked if we're Americans, too, that in fact, no...he is not an American, and actually hates Americans. One guy replied that he shouldn't hate all Americans, just the asshole ones.... Mike's response? "Well, yeah....I guess that's fair. I just haven't met any that aren't assholes, yet."

Anyway, we manage to get back to Playa del Carmen without incident. :)

Once back at our resort, we've reached the point where we can't handle anymore beer or Tequila... and we've even gotten tired of the various blender drinks....... so what now? Well, I go to shower, and upon my return I am greeted with a Vodka and Sprite.

Damnit.

Turns out that Jon and Mike agreed that this would be sufficiently refreshing, and yet full of booze. I intimate that Vodka's not my thing.....we had some arguments in high school, and the only time I've drank it since was my first night in Vegas last year (Vodka 'n Red Bull....it's the drink in Vegas...but I digress), and (to give the short version...if you want the long version, ask me sometime........but not at work) I woke up on top of my suitcase, fully clothed, with the lights on, hands bloodied and a twisted ankle.

Mike: So you killed a hooker?
Iain: No! Well....at least I don't think so....?
Jon: I think you killed a hooker.
Mike: It's okay to kill hookers.....cuz they're already dead inside!

[Editor's Note: Yes, I know it's from The Family Guy.... but how often do you get to justifiably slip that into conversation?!?]

Well, within seconds, the entire six-person table beside us gets up and leaves. Leaving drinks that are 2/3's to 3/4's full....... we suspect they didn't overly appreciate our conversation. Oh well...

Okay, so after a few of those vile...yet yummy drinks, we end up back in the lobby, where we meet an Italian guy that we met the night before in the 24-hour bar. Turns out he and a few of his friends are heading down to the beach cuz the girls want to sit outside a club with a bottle or two from the 24-hour bar. Great plan!!

So Jon and one of the girls go get a bottle of wine and a big bottle of rum. Needless to say, the wine was crappy..... but what are you supposed to expect in Mexico? It was funny, because the Italians wouldn't drink it, and in fact dumped a couple glasses of it.... meanwhile, we dopey Canadians refused to waste a drop of the disgusting crap. Once the wine was gone, it was just rum.... yes, straight rum. My favourite. So I got a glass, and by this time we were down on the beach outside the Blue Parrot. Mike spied a random Mexican dude sitting down at the water, and decided he wanted to talk to him. For reasons I can't begin to comprehend, I thought this was a fun idea, so I joined him. As Mike's "talking to" the guy (talking at might be a more apt term, as I'm not sure he was responding...but moving on), I take a swig from my cuppa rum.

It came back up in a hurry.

So, I'm sitting there beside Mike with a mouthful of rum and dinner.... decision time. I decide that I'm not going to be a trooper. It's been a long week, and I've fought the good fight, so screw it. Out it went, on the beach beside me. I covered it over with some other sand, you know, just to be courteous.

A matter of seconds later, Jon comes running over...

Jon (kinda falling on me as he bends down to grab my shoulder): I saw that!!!
Iain (honestly startled, as I had zoned out watching the lights from Cozumel): Huh? Saw what?
Jon: You just puked and covered it over with sand!!!
Mike: You did what?
Jon: He puked and covered it over with sand!!!
Mike: You did?
Iain: Yup.
Mike: I didn't hear a thing!
Iain: Yeah, I'm sneaky like a ninja.

Once again, we learn that we need to keep our damned mouths shut early in the day....