Oh, right... I forgot they were on....

Turns out the Grammys were last night. I guess I knew that, but I also guess I didn't care enough to retain that little fact.

Anyway, I feel I got enough out of Bill Simmons' running diary that I'm actually kinda glad I didn't watch them.... some highlights that I laughed at despite the above...

8:34 -- It's a tie between Justin Timberlake and Chase Budinger for "white guy who does the best job transcending his whiteness." Justin Timberlake is performing right now, although he made the tragic decision not to sing "D*** in a Box." Hey, it's OK to think he's talented, right? Two hit albums AND he's one of the best SNL hosts ever AND he sold at the highest point possible on Britney's stock AND he wrote the best revenge song ever (the "Cry Me A River" song that pretty much murdered Britney's soul) AND he's plowing through every hot female in Hollywood right now. He's a hero, I say.

8:59 -- Mayer upsets Timberlake to win the Grammy for "Best Pop Vocal Album." JT looks bummed out for a split second until remembering that he bagged Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johannson in the past three weeks.

9:39 -- Best moment of the night: LeAnn Rimes and Mandy Moore Coming out to present as the camera cuts to Jamie Foxx studying them with one of those, "Wait, have I been with either of them yet?" looks on his face. Classic. He's the best.

10:04 -- They just showed that VCast commercial for "Fergalicious," which made me think of Adam Carolla's riff about how hip-hop stars and rappers are the only people who can get away with singing songs where the chorus is their own name. Like, you'd never hear John Mayer record a song called "I'm John Mayer ... J-O-H-N John Mayer ... all the girls on the planet are digging me ... I'm so sexy and so handsome and there's plenty to see ... I'm J-O-H-N John Mayer."

10:19 -- Hey, did you ever think you'd see the day when Christina Aguilera was much prettier, sexier AND cleaner-looking than Britney Spears? Me neither. Britney won the battle, Christina won the war. Who woulda thunk?

10:30 -- Yet another disappointment: A ho-hum "Here's who died this year" montage until the James Brown money shot. I'd give it a D-plus. They should have thrown Britney in there for comedy's sake.

10:59 -- As Quentin Tarantino and Tony Bennett announce the nominees for "Record of the Year," we see a shot of a smiling Paris Hilton in the crowd. Good God, can that girl do anything to end her own career? Sex tapes, racial slurs, drugs, hateful personality, no discernable talent at all ... and she's still chugging along. Are we sure she's not Satan? Let's chop her head off and see if it grows back.