It's 3am... do you know where your DVDs are?

Last week I got the idea of ripping off KSK's mock drafts (samples include black people to be friends with, cities to eliminate, TV characters you'd like to kill, action movie scenes to star in, personal non-gun weapons and countries - Round 1, Round 2 & Round 3) by having a draft of After-Bar Movies. The premise being that these are the only movies you can watch from last call until sunrise, basically removing the idea that you have to draft "good" movies. For example, I will always, without fail, stop to watch A Few Good Men right until the end when I find it on TV (how can you not love pre-insanity Tom Cruise sparring with Jack Nicholson... and Demi Moore to boot!), but I'd never consider watching it when I got home from the bar. It's just not on my radar....

Anyway, I got a few takers to join me, all of whom are Queen's alumni (to varrying degrees, as one still attends the school despite having already gotten her "get out of jail free card".. er... I mean degree), which might strike you that this post-bar movie thing is a Queen's phenomenon. I didn't think it was, but you can't argue with who replies to a random email, can you? Oh, you can? I don't care.... on to the draft!

I forced a co-worker to pick names out of a hat (read: my cupped hands), which elicited a lot of "What is this? Why are you making me do this?"-type comments, but since she will mostly do what she's told, we ended up with a draft order of:

1. Me
2. Dave a.k.a. DC
3. Andrew a.k.a. AC
4. Greg
5. Gab

(Note: in italics is what was actually sent in the email thread, with my witty remarks in between)

ROUND 1:

1. Me: Super Troopers.

Classic. Basically my default after-bar movie.

2. DC: Out of the Genre of "Saturday Night Live Character Spin Offs", I choose Wayne's World.

I'm pretty glad Pat wasn't involved with this, cuz if he didn't get to take Wayne's World, he may have jumped out the nearest window, and that would have put a bit of a black cloud over the rest of the draft. Why would we continue, you ask? Cuz Pat would have wanted it that way... just like we know he always wants us to keep watching the movie long after he has passed out.

3. AC: When I get back from the bar I want action and I want comedy

I want Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

- interconnecting plots, awesome accents, camera work that's on speed, Vinne Jones as a hitman with a son who tags along all the time, a man who beats people to death with dildos, and a girl who uses a very heavy machine gun

Also its got dialogue like:

Willie: That's Gloria.

Winston: Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?

Willie: Fertilizer.

Winston: You went out six hours to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a back of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing Willie.

Willie: We need fertilizer Winston.

Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer could be a bit more subtle.

Willie: What do you mean?

Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah. And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That's what I mean Willie.

4. Greg: i guess i'll take 40-year old virgin, if i'm still in turn

...and that was the last time we heard from Greg directly on the email thread.

5. Gab: South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.
Blame Canada is probably one of my favourite South Park songs ever... Also, Kyle's mom is a bitch gets altered every week to "Our t.a. is a big fat bitch" by my lab partner, so I have an emotional attachment to this movie.

ROUND 2:

1. Gab: Cannibal the Musical
I know, I know, another movie by the same guys... But I couldn't let this one get away. I can deal with losing out on an action movie or two... God knows there are enough of those out there that I love... This one is unique and can be summed up with one word... AWESOME. Well, probably more accurately with a few words... Hilarious cannibalism in Colorado while searching for gold... A movie after my own heart. Maybe literally.

AC: Cannibal was to be my third round sleeper

. . . . . curses

2. Me: Greg takes Badder Santa. [he conveyed this to me via MSN, apparently his email is fuct]

I had that in the back of my mind... :(

I have no idea what "Cannibal the Musical" is....???

Seconds later, on MSN:

Gabriela says: You don't know Cannibal the musical? Its the movie that mattparker and trey stone did as either their final project at film school or shortly thereafter... Its about people who go to Colorado for the gold rush, get lost, and have to eat each other.
Iain says: never even heard of it
Gabriela says: its better than supertroopers
Gabriela says: you know the plane at the end of every southpark episode? The music playing is the cannibal theme
Iain says: huh
Iain says: and I resent your "it's better than ST" implication...

3. AC: I'm going with Rocky 4

you're drunk . . . it's late . . . and then you get to see Apollo Creed die, a hugely over-the-top Dolph Lundgren, an amazing Russian montage training scene, and then Rocky wins the Cold War.

I must break you

Gab: Is it wrong that I've never seen a rocky movie? I've also never seen the godfather movies. I think perhaps this situation needs to be rectified.

Me: I own all four Rocky movies.... 5 and Rocky Balboa never happened. [I actually own 1-5, but I refuse to admit that I own it]

I haven't see the Godfather either, actually........... and apparently neither has Dave.

Shortly thereafter, again on MSN:

Gabriela says: Balboa happened... Jess is in it. Therefore it not only happened, its also the one I'm most likely to see.
Iain says: Jess?
Iain says: 5 was awful, tho...
Gabriela says: Never seen it, don't know. The guy who plays Rocky's son is the same guy who plays Jess on Gilmore Girls
Iain says: I see.... that's the worst reason ever..
Gabriela says: Hey, if guys are allowed to watch the gift for Katie...Cruise's tits, I'm allowed to watch that movie for a really hot guy
Iain says: I'm going to say "that's what the internet's for"... I didn't even know the name of that movie....
Gabriela says: Its mentioned in some other movies. I don't actually remember that scene myself. I have to admit, I did see that movie.
Iain says: I wouldn't openly admit that if I were you.....
Gabriela says: It was on tmn on a sunday afternoon... There's really not much else to do on Sundays besides watch movies
Iain says: I go to band practice....
Iain says: I've heard something about "church"...?
Gabriela says: Church? Isn't that the name of some opera singer? That's the only church I know of.
Gabriela says: My band practices are on Wednesdays
Iain says: boo

4. DC: For my second round pick I choose

From the Action Genre "Top Gun" minus the naked volleyball scene.

Especially in the eighties what was Tony Scott thinking putting a scene full of sweaty naked guys playing beach volleyball in an action movie.

On second thought when that scene comes on its a perfect time to get up and take a post bar sh$t. Whitout pausing the video and pissing off everyone else watching the film.

5. Me: to end the Second Round: Old School

"Be honest.. tell me this is the first time you've ever done this kinda thing"
"well, do you want me to be honest, or tell you this is the first time?"

.. and of course, Ear Muffs!

Round 3:

1. Me: To open the Third Round: Swingers

Vegas, baby. Vegas.

...and the most awkward scene in cinematic history, just to make sure you don't do anything stupid that night.

"Hey, this is Nicky.. leave a message!"

(in other news, DC totally ruined my sleeper pick of Top Gun.........)

AC: Iain, I think your ego is writing checks your body can't cash. You didn't own that pick, the taxpayers do . . .

Me: Hey Goose.... she's lost that lovin' feeling....
What? No...
No, she has...
I hate it when she does that!

2. DC: sorry for ruining your third pick, I thought I could actually get away with Top Gun in either the third or fourth round but then I turned all Rob Babcok and picked now just like how the Raptors could have traded down and still pick up Rafael Araujo. But to make you feel better Iain I was going to choose Old School at this pick

So I'm going to go Old School and pick my favourite Adam Sandler Movie "Billy Madison"

"Shampoo is Better I make the hair all clean"

"No"

"Conditioner is better I make the hair all smooth and shiny"

"No...No..."

(Drops both in the bath, and turns to the faucet)

"What are you looking at Swan"

P.S. O'Doyle rules!

[after a pause in the action of really only a few minutes]

DC: Hey Andrew

tt..tt..tt.tt.today junior

3. AC: Hey, in Brockville, the news waits for NO ONE - plus my weather has to be done live

my third round pick is The Rock . . . for I am a winner, and as a winner I will go home and fuck the prom queen

[At this point, after a lenghty delay where I both MSN'd and txt'd Greg, Gab clearly gets frustrated, and jumps the queue...]

Gab: So I'm pretty damn sure greg won't pick these and I have to go out for a bit, so here goes...

5. Help by the Beatles
No explanation needed... its hilarious

ROUND 4:

1. Gab: Aliens

Look! Its Michael Biehn! The eternal marine!
This movie never gets old for me, even though its almost as old as I am. Aliens, space marines, shooting, dirt, cool future technology...

Did I mention I'm an eng chick? Do I make more sense to you now?

2. Me: Greg's picks are Grandma's Boy (R3) and Anchorman (R4).

3. AC: Kung Fu Hustle . . . . . I want to go with an earlier Stephen Chow called The God of Cookery, but it's even more obscure than Cannibal

4. DC: For my fourth round pick I choose Space Jam.

It is the perfect movie when you get home so bombed that you only have a couple minutes before you pass out. The best part of the whole movie is the Micheal Jordan highlight package that they show during the opening credits.

5. Me: I'm going to take advantage of the "sandwich" picks and take Kill Bill I and....

ROUND 5:

1. Me: Kill Bill II.

There's just something way too hot about a chick in full body yellow leather killing 100s of guys with a fucking samurai sword....

Maybe I need therapy.

ps: Nice pick w KFH, AC....

2. DC: I'm going to embrace my inner Geek and choose "Return of the Jedi"

3. AC: Clerks . . . great dialogue and because you're not Dante, you can feel better about yourself

Dante Hicks: You hate people!

Randal Graves : I know. I hate people, but I love gatherings. Isn't that ironic.

Me: I have always been for a ruling class... mostly because I rule

AC: Bunch of savages in this town

4. Me: And G-Higgy is down for Die Hard.

At this point I actually ask Greg if he's anywhere near his computer, or if it's actually the txt's that are getting him to get his ass off the couch. It's most assuredly the latter....

5. Gab: And on that note, I pick Die Hard 3! As I said earlier, the Samuel L. Jackson factor is key... And personally, I think Jeremy Irons is a way better British guy playing evil German guy than Alan Rickman. Plus its not contained to one building and there are puzzles :)

Round 6:

1. Gab: And what do you know... I have another pick... This is starting to get tough...

Star Trek: First Contact

I'm showing my scifi geek side again... Borg are awesome. Is it wrong that I have a crush on Patrick Stewart?

Definitely not Swedish,
Gab

2. Me: continuing from home.... Greg has advised me that he is taking..........

Raiders of the Lost Ark

3. AC: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

. . . . and Abe Froman smiles

Me: DC's gonna be pissed..........

AC: it's my late round sleeper

4. DC: Well, since Andrew took my sleeper pick, I'll have to go with my favourite Bill Murray flick.

"Ghostbusters"

5. Me: Wedding Crashers.... I clearly have a thing for Vince Vaughn, but that's okay...

It's like a bullseye!

Round 7:

1. Fight Club

Sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken! (it's probably wrong that somehow that sounded sexual in my world)

Now... a question of etiquette. Do I give you the crotch or the ass?

And, well... I'd have wanted to fuck the living shit outta Helena Bonham Carter, too....

With that, I'm gone for a few hours for dinner and piping.... do continue without me, but I doubt Greg will pay much attention as I was having to txt his lazy ass to get him off the couch long enough to even MSN me his picks...

That said, carry on......

2. DC: Got to go back to Mike Myers and pick Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.

"You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! "

I'll be gone for a few hours as well, I'll be back [later]

With that, things pretty much deteriorated and stopped....

There are a dozen movies, like Team America: World Police, that should have made the cut, but time didn't allow.... please feel free to chastise us in the comments section for any glaring omissions, but I'm pretty sure you're wrong. :)