Why I Hate People

or, a smattering of the crap that goes through my head on a daily basis...

Friday, June 30, 2006

Latest entry...


... in the "How did I turn out to be such a sarcastic ass?" File.

If you were not aware, my parents dropped by for dinner this week, as they were down at the cottage.

While putting something in the garbage in the kitchen, my dad yells through...

"Son, are you experiencing any psychological distress, or personal issues that you haven't been sharing with us?"
Me (somewhat startled): "Um, no... and......where did that come from??"
Dad: "Well, I was just wondering why you have an empty case of Red Cap."


Har har har.... and me without my high-hat.

PS: For the record, that's Neil's. Not to say I didn't finish a couple before going to Players, but they were mostly Neil's........

More than meets the eye!


If you haven't seen it yet, go here now.

And if you're thinking to yourself, "Next 4th of July?!? I couldn't even wait until this 4th of July!" .... then, well... that's what I said.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

NBA Draft Hilarity!!

For those of you familiar with Bill Simmons' work, you've likely already read these... but if anyone is interested in a sarcastic, pop culture reference ridden take on the draft, I suggest you check out his preview, and running diary from last night.

The NBA it's faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantastic!

Some Random Thoughts...

....while wondering if there's a good way to end a sentence that starts, "So, if I understand this cease and desist order correctly..."

Never get a Panic! at the Disco song stuck in your head just as you're going to bed. Their repetitive lyrical structure makes it rather painful unless you know his voice inflection that will kick you to the next stanza.

[Now, as a bit of a digression, I'm holding off my verdict on these guys for a bit. I've heard their new track once, and it's a bit similar, but not the same. The potential for a one-trick pony is there, but I think it has been averted. They're certainly original, and creative, but I also haven't decided if their song titles are pretentious or funny. I think I'm going to have a see an interview or two to see where they're coming from. Moving on.]

Is there anything worse than being stuck in gridlock when the humidex is in the 30's.... and beside a pig truck?

Star Jones is a fucking cunt. Don't screw with Barbara Walters if you want to get ahead in this business. Not to mention that this is the biggest non-story in a long time. Please stop reporting about it, mainstream media, I don't care. Stop making me think about it.

Ashlee Simpson turned down $4 million for Playboy. I have never bought a Playboy, but I'd have bought that one. The day it came out. I like her better than Jessica... and it's not even close. Jessica is getting way too close to Pam.. and no, that's not a good thing.

I chime in with a, "Haven't you people ever heard of, closing the goddamn door?"

See? Now I've ruined your day, too! :)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Football Frenzy!

One of the many reasons I have been somewhat derelict in my posting in this space is that I have been spending more time than usual sitting in the pub watching the World Cup.

As such, I have more than a few things to rant about, and as it's an off day, I also have time to post about it.

So, seeing as we're in the Round of 8, with 6 former WC Champs (a record of some sort, I'm sure), I'm going to attempt to organize my rantings as they relate to the various Round of 16 matches that led to where we are...

Germany 2:0 Sweden - As if anyone thought Sweden had a chance against the home side after England basically had to let them through... which kinda sucked, cuz I would have loved to see the Soca Warriors make it through...

Argentina 2:1 Mexico - Apparently that was quite the goal. I still haven't seen it, as I was drinking myself stupid in the sun in Hamilton with Justin.

I'm going to say Germany wins this based on the fact the game is in Berlin. Neutral site, I'd have to go with Argentina...as much as that pains me to say. They've just been that good.

Italy 1:0 Australia - It would have been nice of the refs to at least take the Socceroos out for dinner, or hell... maybe even chocolates and flowers... but to fuck them that badly without even a kiss, is just wrong. I'm going to have to stop talking about this before I get too riled up, but I'm going to miss being able to say "Socceroos" on a regular basis.

Switzeland 0:0 (0:3 PK) Ukraine - Who cares. Easily the worst game of the round.... but really, Ukrainian fans? What happened to "Act Like You've Been There Before"?!? I could have sworn you won a game every day last week! Cut it the fuck out!

Italy's going to kill the Ukraine, and end up with a gift wrapped trip to the Semi-Finals. Thankfully, the Fatherland (Germany) will put them back in their place by beating them black and azzurri (see what I did there? I'm witty, damnit! HA!).

England 1:0 Ecuador - Yikes. Apart from one magnificient goal from Mr. Posh Spice, the English looked pretty mediocre. Thankfully, they were playing Ecuador.

Portugal 1:0 Netherlands - Wow, this was a virtual bloodbath. Players were practically going out of their way to spike one another! If it wasn't for USA-Italy earlier, this would have been the most brutal match, hands-down. Hell, it still might have been.

I like to think that the suspensions and injury to the Portuguese Ronaldo should allow England to handle Portugal just fine.

Brazil 3:0 Ghana - Not exactly a shocker, here. My favourite part was getting to see a guy built pretty much like me set the all-time goal scoring record, which he should really be able to just run away and hide with. Can you believe Ronaldo's only 30?!? I honestly had him pegged at about 38.

Spain 1:3 France - I enjoyed seeing France show up, finally. Or was it just the Spaniards reverting to form? Either way, I'd have called this game 3-1 the other way around before it started. But what do I know.

Brazil should avenge their 1998 World Cup Final loss to the French, but I'll be it'll be closer than you think. They'll be by FAR the best team the South American squad has played. Many thought Spain might topple them, but France beat them before they got the chance, so watch for a potential repeat of the '98 upset.

I'm hoping for a repeat of the 2002 semi-final, with a storybook redemption for Becks.... but let's be honest. England has yet to show their true form, and even if they do, it would be a substantial upset for them to advance to the Final.

In reality, the home side are the only ones that I can see beating out a pretty well-oiled Brazil (that's as in smooth operating... not drunk..), which would make the Germans the second home team in 3 World Cups to beat Brazil for the title.... but apparently numerology is on the Brazilian's side on two counts... so who am I to argue?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Random thoughts while missing Chacin Cologne Day

As I had a free evening due to a saftball rainout, I decided to clean up a the place a bit... and here's what crosses my mind:
  1. I have 10 pairs of shoes out. Seriously. And it's not because I haven't cleaned up in that long (I haven't, but whatever). I have honestly worn them all fairly recently. I swear I'm straight.
  2. Nice to see you show up, A.J. That would have been a big help a month or two ago. Now just don't get hurt again!
  3. I had forgotten how much of a cramp competing at a high level in piping can put in your social life.
  4. Turns out when I'm busy as work, I blog less. Who knew.
  5. I was actually sitting at home thinking about work last night. Yeah, I'm scared, too. And stunned I'm admiting it. It ended up being a great idea, but still.... that just ain't right.
  6. As predicted, Hardball Dynasty on WhatIfSports.com has drawn me in hook, line and sinker.
  7. Rib Fest is coming this weekend. I'm very excited about this. Very.
  8. Am I the only person that just noticed that July 1st is this Saturday? What the hell? When did this happen??
  9. I have no idea who the Raptors are going to take tomorrow, but I'm even less surprised that they won the NBA Draft Lottery in a year with no real star in the draft. Warrants mentioning. {cough} only Canadian team {cough}
  10. If you have half a day to kill, try this. Don't say I didn't warn you.
  11. Outfield assists have to be the biggest bullshit stat in judging outfielder skill since wins in judging a pitcher. Don't you think that teams will only challenge the bad outfielders?!? Is it just me?
  12. Why do I keep forgetting that I have a BBQ this Friday afternoon, and that we're all getting off work early to be able to go? Don't you think that this would be the type of thing that sticks in one's mind?
  13. Those two dancing shows that Much has picked up are like tele-crack. MC Hammer in the one in Vegas, and the cruel Brits in the other? I can't stop watching.
  14. It helps that I'm oddly awed by the fact that the American one is in Studio 54 in the MGM Grand, which I have been in. All they've done is put up a big screen. I'm sure that the show would have crappier ratings if they told viewers that Studio 54 is on the same floor of the MGM as the lions and Vegas's Rainforest Cafe. Or maybe they'd be better. I'm not a producer. But I just can't help imagining MC Hammer getting his picture taken with the lions........ and playing the role of Roy in another jungle cat mishap. Yes, I'm a bad person.
  15. In case you were wondering I watched exactly none of the Stanley Cup. Okay, I saw the last 3 minutes of Game 7. I just didn't care. I guess I tried... but whatever. Call me a bad Canadian.
  16. I actually cared more about the NBA Finals.
  17. Like, a lot more.
  18. I don't see why everyone is saying that the Blue Jays need to get another "top" arm to seriously challenge the Red Sox and Yankees. First of all, neither of them have dominant staffs. The Yanks don't have one starter that can carry Doc's jock! The Jays just need fewer BP pitchers attempting to throw meaningful innings. It's the middle-to-end of the staff that needs upgrading, not the top. The top guys have been incredible, and even the lesser known Casey Janssen types have been decent. It's the bottom end that has been painful to watch.
  19. Hell, look at 1992/1993... as if Toronto had more than a couple of top pitchers. They just didn't have as many Vinny Chulk, Josh Towers, Jason Frazor kinda guys... you know, guys with the ERAs that look like shoe sizes...
  20. I still haven't put in my air conditionners. I guess you can refer to number 8 (above) as a partial explanation, but still.... Wow.
  21. Last point, but by no means the least important: There were no less than five recent (since 2002) Queen's Bands grads competing and placing in (at least) the top 5 in their respective grades at the Canadian and British Championships this weekend. A shout-out to Titus for being the only one of us at the British, and also the only one that won!
PS: As for the title...yes, I'm serious...

Saturday, June 24, 2006

And the award for most awkward handshake between two otherwise cool people goes to:

Orlando Bloom and Chamillionaire tonight on Leno.

I can't even begin to it justice.

Friday, June 23, 2006

The Road to Hell, and all that....

So I go to the pub after practice with only $10. This was intentional, as it meant that I could afford exactly one pint, and coffee in the morning with what was left of my cash after tip.

Good idea, right? I even left my wallet in the car, just to make sure (debit, and such).

As I decline a second pint to the horror of our bartender, Jen, another server (Sonja, who was off duty) and a couple of the other people in the band, I almost get embarassed.

"You can't leave!"
"Have another!"
"C'mon!"
Me: "I can't, I dont' have any more money...."
Lynda: "What if I buy it for you?"
Me: "Damnit."

What's a guy supposed to do? Turn down free booze? From a girl, no less??

Later, Jen "accidentally" poured another pint while ringing in Lynda's bill, and so we split that.

In short, I paid for 40% of my beer tonight... I like this game.

But I have to be up for work in 5 1/2 hours.... so maybe I should reserve judgement.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Today's Math Nerd Joke


PS: A fresh cookie to anyone who knows the answer without having to calculate it!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Welcome to the 21st Century, dick...

The following email exchange took place this afternoon... I laughed, so here you go... Ctrl-C/Ctrl-V'd for your "enjoyment"...

Amr:
Subject: The moment you've all been waiting for has arrived

I have a cell phone.
It's mine.
Now you can all call me and text message me, and stop bitching and moaning about the fact that I don't have a cell phone. :)

xxx-xxx-xxxx [number redacted, as I'm not a total asshole]

DC:
With who?

Me:
I promise I won't stop bitching and moaning.
You're still a douchebag for waiting this long! :)

Amr:
The funny thing is that I didn't get the phone myself. My company got it for me. So really, I did nothing.

And Dave, I'm with Rogers. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but from what I've heard, they all suck.

Me:
It's awful.
Enjoy waiting anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours to get your voicemail notification....

DC:
Rogers?
Thats to bad because I was going to call your cellphone from mine to congratulate you, but now it will cost me airtime and I'm cheap

Me:
I was going to call and congratulate you.... but then I remembered you're a Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey. [Amr was born in Paris]

Amr:
Hey, I have some terrorist blood in me. So unless you're careful, I could blow you up! [but is of Egyptian descent]

Steve:
you are lucky that this isnt the US, otherwise these emails would have been monitored and your ass would be in Guantanamo bay right now

go telus!

Amr:
I hear the beaches at Guantanamo are beautiful. It'd be a great place for a nice vacation!

DC:
The beaches at Guantanamo are beautiful, you're right, but I'm told you won't get any cellphone reception there

Me:
Especially not with Rogers...

To borrow from The Sports Guy...


Some World Cup Ramblings, as I try to figure out what I'll eat for lunch:

  • So how badly did Sven want to let Sweden tie that game?
  • Please, please tell me he let them tie the game.
  • I loved the idea of the All-Liverpool-Born Forwards.... but the fates intervened.
  • Is Michael Owen made of glass?
  • Or is glass too durable a substance?
  • Can someone please teach Peter Crouch how to kick a ball?
  • Will Frank Lampard ever score a goal?
  • It was nice to see Mr. Posh Spice show up...
  • Ecuador will be a tougher match than you think... they apparently rested their TOP FIVE players while getting smoked by Germany. Consider yourselves warned.

And some Bonus Ramblings from Page 2's Michael Davies:

  • Rooney is getting stronger
  • Joe Cole is playing like a star
  • Gerrard is scoring goals
  • Crouch is very tall

We are all Scary and Damaged

I forget who I was driving with, but Hinder's "Get Stoned" came on... and of course, when it got to the line in the chorus:
Go home and get stoned
'Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
As I do every time I hear the song, I burst out laughing. The person I was with did not (don't think I'm hiding who it was... I honestly can't remember at this exact moment)...

Me: Isn't that line hilarious?
Them: No, not really.
Me: No? You have to be kidding...
Them: I don't see what's so funny.
Me: Hm... I guess you have to have been in a pretty fucked up relationship at one time or another to find that remotely funny, huh?
Them: I have no idea.
Me: I'm going to stop talking now.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Today's Highly Underused Phrase That Can Only Lead To Hilarity:

Now, I may not be a doctor...

I can't help myself...

With Paul McCartney recently celebrating his 64th birthday, a reporter asked...

Reporter: "So, would you ever go down on one knee again?"
Paul: "I'd really prefer if you called her 'Heather'."

Monday, June 19, 2006

Time for a laugh?

Take a second to ponder this...

Heard any good jokes lately? You might want to dust them off and give them an airing, because it's now official: laughter is seriously good for you.
You may have read or heard about how laughter can help reduce pain and help healing, because it can boost the immune system, lower blood pressure, and improve brain functioning. As the poet Lord Byron has said, "Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine." But it also helps us deal with stress and cope with life's aggravations and anxieties. In other words, it's good for your mental and emotional health as well.

An interesting statistic I ran across is that the average American adult is said to laugh about 15 times per day. Compare this to four-year-olds, who laugh once every four minutes. So what happens to us in the meantime? Well, you could say, we all have to grow up, and that's a serious business. But it doesn't mean that you have to lose or stop using your sense of humor.

The next time you find yourself in a tense situation or feeling frustrated or angry, why not bring a little humor to the rescue? It's well-known that laughter can defuse and dissolve any tension or anger, and bring a burst of welcome relief and a sense of clearing the air. Looking at the funny side of a situation can help you relax and be more open to solving any problems, or help you get perspective as to how "serious" something really is. As the master comedian Bob Newhart has said, "Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."

So, a good prescription for a healthy mind and body is to be sure to take several doses of laughter each day. And I'll just leave you with this thought from Woody Allen – "I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

You know what? I've often noted that my best friends are also the ones that I laugh the most with. Sometimes if I haven't seen someone for a while, we'll literally sit around laughing until our sides and faces hurt.

Laughter = Good Times. This is not up for debate...

Weekend Musings

Friday night Jason and Sonia had a lovely garden party at Sonia's parents' place for their engagement, after which I had the joy of driving up to the cottage to see my parents for a little while (yesterday being Father's Day and all, I thought it would be a nice idea). Fortunately, I got a call from my friend Myalee, who is out in Calgary right now, and that helped me to pass the time.

The main reason for her call was to tell someone the story about how she asked a guy out at work, only to find out he has a fiancé.

Myalee: Really, I think I learned a lesson here. When a boy seems to like you, and he's not making a move, it's not just cuz he's shy. Sometimes he's engaged! I didn't think I was at an age yet when that's a concern, but apparently I am.
Me: When you first called me, I was at an engagement party, talking to Paul and Andrea. [whom Myalee knows, and knows are married]
Myalee: Right, I forgot about them. I guess we are at that age, huh?
Me: It would seem so.

And so with another hour and change of driving to contemplate that thought, I got thinking... I know that I like to bitch about people getting married, getting older, becoming adults, whatever... but you know what? Generally speaking, I couldn't be happier for my jewellery-exchanging friends. Why? Because they all seem to thoroughly enjoy one another's company. They're all clearly in love. I guess I'll become sad and jaded once I start to see my friend settling for someone just for the sake of getting hitched, but until then, I'm just going to enjoy the party.

Anyway, I rolled into the cottage at about midnight, and I proceeded to chat with my parents for like two solid hours. We really only went to bed because we had all been up fairly early that morning, and so 2-2:30am was starting to get late.

Saturday morning, we were all up between 9 and 10, and then kept talking about anything and everything until about 2pm, when I decided that I really needed to get rolling. It's little snippets like this that make me realize that I have a far more egalitarian relationship with my parents than I used to. We basically discuss topics as equals, and I really think that they give creedence to my views and opinions. Obviously they're still my parents, and they have a wealth of experience that I like to draw on, but we can still talk about life, people, and events as equals... I enjoy that.

Saturday night, I went to Queen's Players Toronto with Nora, her sister Frances, Ian and Maya (another engaged couple!). I got that special kind of drunk. I'm going to have to email Nora to find out how I got home. Judging from the cash I had left on Sunday morning, I'm going to guess cab, but we'll see.

Sunday was, of course, band practice. I had a minor revelation. I've been to band practice feeling crappy before, but this was weird. I actually had a waaaaaaaay better practice Sunday, after being out late the night before, than I did on Thursday, when I hadn't had a drink in several days. The difference? I had played my pipes Thursday, Friday, Saturday leading up to yesterday... however, leading up to Thursday I hadn't played in a couple of days due mostly to having gotten two fillings on Tuesday.

Weird, huh?

Friday, June 16, 2006

For Any South Park Fans:

This is great...

Exposing My Inner (Baseball) Nerd


Okay, play along for a moment as I do a slight statistical analysis here.

Ignoring the "traditional" statistics in baseball, which are mostly result-based (such as Batting Average, RsBI*, ERA, etc.), take a couple of metrics which are far more accurate in predcting outcomes in baseball.

No single statistic likely gives you a better perspective on run production than OPS (On-base percentage Plus Slugging percentage), and for pitching, while few give a good indication or predictor for success, but the best we can do right now is WHIP (Walks plus Hits per Inning Pitched).

Now, the Blue Jays are positively killing the rest of major league baseball
in terms of OPS, but have a realtively modest lead in Runs. This should indicate that they are more likely to score more runs in the future, as satistically speaking, their wide lead in OPS should translate to an equally wide lead in terms of runs. This can be attributed to the nonsense statistic of "clutch hitting", for which any meaningful statistical analysis has either found it to be somewhat random and unpredictable or virtually meaningless. It's existence as an ability is, in any event, contentious.... but it's existence in terms of explaning run production (or lack thereof) can't be ignored. In short, as powerful as the Jays' lineup has been, they could arguably be scoring more runs... which is actually kind of scary.

The other end of things shows the pitching staff (a point of contention all year) is, as a group, not all that bad in terms of
WHIP (12/30 in MLB), with a relatively awful ERA (24/30 in MLB). This actually shows that the team hasn't pitched all that badly, but has been screwed by lady luck.

In short, since they sit only 1 game out in the AL East, these statistical trends show that they've actually done so while not getting full production from their lineup, and disproportionately bad support from their pitchers. I think this bodes well that the Blue Jays aren't some flash-in-the-pan team doing it with smoke 'n mirrors... they're legit.

* - Annoying habit I've picked up from Fire Joe Morgan.. seeing as it's "Runs Batted In" (or RsBI) not "Run Batted Ins" (RBIs). Play along.... nod 'n simle.

I'm not even CLOSE to the only one

If you think that I'm a nutjob for the flag, and the wristband, then you are sorely mistaken. There are millions more like me...

A sample.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

An interesting point...

[as taken from The Atlantic]

Extreme Parenting: Does the Baby Genius Edutainment Complex enrich your child’s mind—or stifle it?

by Alissa Quart

.....

Common wisdom holds that it is wholesome and American to give children the best chance for success: to fill their rooms with lush playthings, to adorn their walls with bright alphabet letters and their plates with mercury-free salmon. Lately, however, the pursuit of advantage has taken an extreme turn. Not long ago, words like gifted and precocious were applied mainly to older kids who read a lot, calculated in their heads, or took more than the average number of after-school classes. (I was one of them.) But in recent years, as a new child-enrichment business has marched into babyhood, right through infancy, and even into the womb, it sometimes seems as though any parent who doesn’t aspire to have his or her child show early evidence of “talent” is somehow being less than fully American.

The vast giftedness industry has expanded to include such disparate phenomena as the teaching of baby sign language, the IQ testing of toddlers, and the proliferation of video programs like the Baby Einstein series. (Never mind that Einstein himself was a late bloomer; he didn’t speak until he was three, and no one thought him “gifted.”) Specialized camps and competitions are now enrolling the youngest of children; classes include soccer for three-year-olds and Broadway Babies for starlets of only six months.

I call it the Baby Genius Edutainment Complex, the first stage of the American passion for making gifted children. It reflects a faith that if babies are exposed to enough stimulating multimedia content, typically in tandem with equally stirring classes, bright children can be invented.

Parents who press their children to succeed do so in hopes of preparing them for an adulthood of high achievement. Economically anxious, many parents see their children’s accomplishments as a sort of insurance against the financial challenges of old age; high-achieving kids, this logic goes, will become high-earning adults, and therefore be better able to help Mom and Dad pay for the assisted-living facility in a few decades. And, of course, kids can be a handy vehicle for combating status anxiety: even if your net worth is failing to keep up with the Einsteins’ next door, you can still take solace in the fact that while the Einsteins’ son is barely speaking in complete sentences, your son is already reading Heidegger.

But with so much competition for everything from preschool to summer camp to college, children must work harder and train more extensively than ever to out-achieve their equally avid young rivals. It’s into this nexus of anxiety and aspiration that these new brainy-baby products have flooded, promising scientifically demonstrated mind enrichment for your children. But the line between activities that nurture and those that merely waste time (and money) is not always so clear. Which raises the question: Whose purpose does all of this aggressive early learning serve?

Until 1997, there was no such thing as Baby Einstein. Six years later, one American child in three had watched a Baby Einstein video, seeing such ostensibly mind-developing scenes as the one, in Baby Van Gogh, where a puppet called Vincent van Goat trots through the six primary colors as they appear in van Gogh’s Starry Night and Wheat Fields With Reaper at Sunrise. Some parents may have also exposed their children to competing products: the So Smart! two-disk set, suggested for infants of nine months and up, features interactive alphabet games an infant can play on the TV screen, using the remote control, while the V.Smile video game system promotes itself for toddlers with the slogan “Turn game time into brain time.”

DVDs with characters like Vincent van Goat may be cute, but their selling point is that they offer their young viewers a great deal more than entertainment. The Baby Prodigy DVD claims to give your child “A Head Start in Life!” The disc’s back copy reads: “Did you know that you can actually help to enhance the development of your baby’s brain? The first 30 months of life is the period when a child’s brain undergoes its most critical stages of evolution … Together we can help to make your child the next Baby Prodigy!”

Walt Disney, Warner Brothers, and other studios have spent the last decade developing children’s programming with an educational component (Disney owns Baby Einstein). Toy companies have also entered the fray: Fisher-Price, for example, a major DVD producer, is a subsidiary of Mattel. Videos and DVDs for preschool-age children earned $500 million in 2004—and overall sales of educational toys increased by 19 percent. As Dennis Fedoruk, president of Brainy Baby, says, “There’s a bumper crop of new kids each month, after all.”

The Baby Genius Edutainment Complex owes its explosive growth to more than just savvy marketing; it also has roots in actual scientific research. The popularity of DVDs with classical music, pinwheels, and colorful imagery was incited by infant-development theories that became fashionable in the early 1990s. As Liz Iftikhar, founder and president of Baby BumbleBee, puts it, the kid-vid biz emerged on the back of the “Mozart Effect.”

In 1993, Gordon Shaw and Frances Rauscher—researchers at the University of California at Irvine—conducted a study in which a group of college students listened to ten minutes of a Mozart sonata, a relaxation tape, or silence. Then the groups took a paper-folding-and-cutting test. Those who had listened to Mozart reportedly performed better than those who had not. Shaw and Rauscher concluded that listening to Mozart improved the students’ short-term spatial thinking. In 1995, a slightly different study by the same researchers yielded similar findings.

It wasn’t long before someone proposed that the results could apply to infants. (Zell Miller, then governor of Georgia, pushed his state to send a classical-music cassette or CD to every newborn.) Video companies seized on the idea that classical music played to infants, or even to fetuses, would improve their ability to reason. In 1995, they started to make videos for babies, usually with a classical-music component, and touted them as beneficially stimulating. One music impresario, Don Campbell, trademarked the term Mozart Effect and used it to sell what he called “educational” CDs for infants and books.

But here’s the catch: according to the effect’s doubters, no psychologist or musicologist has been able to persuasively duplicate the result that Shaw and Rauscher described. Kenneth Steele, a professor of psychology at Appalachian State University, was one of the scholars who tried several times and failed. He eventually became the notion’s greatest critic, publishing half a dozen papers debunking it, chief among them “Prelude or Requiem for the ‘Mozart Effect’?” in Nature magazine in 1999. To date, the Mozart Effect has failed to be replicated in scientific settings on at least a few dozen occasions. Even Rauscher, although she stands by her findings, has been amazed by the appropriation of her work for corporate ends. In a 1999 television debate, Rauscher agreed with Steele, saying, “There’s no scientific data suggesting that playing Mozart to babies is going to make them ‘smarter.’”

None of this, however, has stemmed the spread of the Baby Genius Edutainment Complex—far from it. The complex has only expanded since the mid-1990s, building on the claim that the creation of infant prodigies can now begin in the womb. Brent Logan, the president of BabyPlus and author of Learning Before Birth: Every Child Deserves Giftedness, promises that his prenatal sound-delivery system, a speaker unit that a pregnant woman wears in a fabric pouch strapped to her abdomen, will produce a higher-than-average IQ. The key to his pitch appears to follow the logic of inversion: infants in Romania who are deprived of stimuli suffer as adults, he notes, and thus infants in America who are stimulated by a product like his will blossom. “Babies and children enriched with BabyPlus,” his company’s ads claim, “are more relaxed at birth, with eyes and hands open, crying little”; they “reach their milestones earlier” and “have longer attention spans.” The pitch preys on parents’ fears that their children might not hit milestones early, or even at the “normal” time.

The claims made by the producers of these DVDs and similar products may seem absurd, but the impulses that drive parents to purchase them are understandable. The wish to raise flourishing children is as old as humankind. Today’s Baby Genius Edutainment Complex yokes together two concepts of infant betterment: first, that parents can help a child develop many skills and aptitudes that are not inborn; and second, that if the child isn’t launched on the route to super-achievement in the first years of life, he or she will be doomed forever to mediocrity or worse. As this notion of a compressed time frame for baby-genius cultivation has become more widespread over the last ten years, parents have become much more susceptible to sales pitches for flash cards, DVDs, toys, and games that promise to provide “just the right level” of stimulation.

Educational stimulation has not always been the primary aim of children’s playthings. Until the twilight of the nineteenth century, what few toys children had were made at home, usually by hand. Diminutive replicas of babies, women, and furniture enabled children to engage the larger world at their level, that of small bit players. Such toys were meant to help pass the time, not to create genius.

The turn of the last century saw a rise of mass-produced toys designed for solitary play. Milton Bradley (founded in 1864), Parker Brothers (1888), and Playskool (1928) were the first three toy companies to specialize in “education games.” The teddy bear emerged in Brooklyn in 1902 and soon became faddish; it was thought to spur children’s emotional growth. Lincoln Logs (invented in 1917 by John Lloyd Wright, son of the architect Frank), Crayola crayons (first produced in 1903), and Erector sets (introduced in 1913) all signaled an increase in time spent indoors by the children of newly prosperous families. A notion of playthings that helped children grow up was on the rise, but these toys did not claim to promote a child’s acuity. (In an article in a toy trade magazine in 1927, dolls were termed an “Antidote for Race Suicide,” in that they would encourage white girls to reproduce.)

Around this same time, the educator Maria Montessori designed toys to teach math concepts and declared that pupils would learn willingly if their schoolwork were more like play. Montessori’s ideas caught on among some educators, but also sparked much debate about the nature of toys. Academics championed free play and urged industry executives to make better-quality toys that appealed to the imagination.

But many toys still left little for young minds to conjure with. By 1957, the cultural critic Roland Barthes was decrying his era’s playthings as products of “chemistry not nature.” He was horrified that there were “dolls which urinate” and other toys “meant to prepare the little girl for the causality of housekeeping, to ‘condition’ her to her future role as mother.” These toys, Barthes wrote, “are meant to produce children who are users, not creators.” He was enunciating what was to become a central tenet of scholars of play: self-directed play is superior, and toys that invite children to improvise and imagine are better than those that are passive and preprogrammed.

The study of toys reached a high point during the seventies with Erik Erikson’s books Childhood and Society and Toys and Reason. Erikson created a developmental timeline, starting with “autocosmic play,” in which infants play with their own bodies, and going on to a toy “microsphere,” followed by the “macrosphere” of play with other children. Erikson underlined that playing with toys is a part of identity formation, and insisted that a child’s world of manageable toys should be interfered with as little as possible.

By the 1950s, toys had become short-term and expendable: Davy Crockett hats and the like—spin-off gear from television shows or children’s movies. This isn’t to say that the “maturational” function of toys vanished. Lego won a large following as an “instructive game” in the late fifties and early sixties, and when the ultimate maturational television program, Sesame Street, debuted in 1969, a line of educational toys followed in its wake. The lessons of Sesame Street were strongly influenced by Maria Montessori’s educational philosophy, and from the beginning the show’s producers, the Children’s Television Workshop, worked hard to connect with young children and their families in low-income areas. In fact the show was viewed as an extension of the 1960s War on Poverty, and was funded in part by the Department of Health, Education, and Welfare.

Some of the early debates that swirled around Sesame Street are echoed today in the debates over the Baby Genius Edutainment Complex. The program’s critics argued that young children benefit from playing inventively on their own, rather than watching television. But there is a crucial difference between edutainment DVDs and Sesame Street: the TV show was not intended for babies, while today’s DVDs are made explicitly for children two and under. And now even Sesame Street has an infant DVD line.

Many infant DVDs are hawked with dubious information about time-limited opportunities for learning. Some products prey on parental fears, invoking the specter of infant brain-cell death. Charles Zorn, a neuropsychological education specialist, told me that he often has to reassure parents that brain-cell counts are not a measure of a child’s intelligence, knowledge, or ability to learn. The brain deliberately makes too many, then lets a bunch wither; which ones wither depends on the environment the newborn encounters. Cell death is actually part of the development process. “When you learn to read, you are killing cells to create a pathway,” Zorn says. Indeed, reducing infant brain-cell death is counterproductive; cell death is a way the nervous system refines its circuits.

But nervous parents are not inclined to make such fine distinctions. And the industry does its best to blur these distinctions anyway. “Parents know about that preschool window of opportunity—it’s very narrow,” says Dennis Fedoruk of Brainy Baby. “Parents want to maximize results in their children without causing their children trouble. Listen, you can’t turn back the hands of time. Once they enter kindergarten, they can’t have the window of opportunity any longer. It’s too late.”

Karen Foster, CEO and founder of Athletic Baby, points to Tiger Woods as she tells me that her Athletic Baby Golf and Athletic Baby All-Star DVDs help parents give their kids a head start. “Everyone has heard about Tiger’s imprinting from an early age by his father,” she says. “The earlier the age, the more successful they will be.” Foster gives the standard edutainment-complex line: if infant deprivation yields negative effects, these “enriching” products must inversely produce a positive effect.

“BabyPlus helps with imprinting,” claims Brent Logan, CEO of BabyPlus. “And soon, the imprinting window shuts off for the pre-infants.” These pitches could make most any parent nervous. (“I do believe that the brain has a certain clump of neurons firing, and that by the time [my baby] is five, it will be too late,” one woman, an educated professional who consumes these products avidly, told me. “It sounds panicky, I know, but if those neurons are dying off … You have to get in there during the first three years. If my baby doesn’t use it, with a stimulating game or class, he is going to lose it.”) But are these pitches accurate? To start answering this question, one needs to separate the popular ideas of “crucial stages” and “imprinting” and “brain plasticity—which is today’s scientized buzzword for “ability to learn—from the science and cultural history underlying them.

Americans have long sought to control natural processes, demonstrating both our faith in the human ability to harness nature and our obsession with using time shrewdly. When the Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget toured American universities in the 1950s, describing the cognitive stages children pass through as they mature, audience members wanted to know how they could make their children go through those stages faster. (Piaget was not pleased.) In the last decade or so, this emphasis on early development has been touted by celebrity foundations like Rob Reiner’s Parents’ Action for Children, whose slogan is “The first years last forever.” This, coupled with the findings of several studies and an aggressive federal information campaign, has generated rising awareness of the crucial zero-to-three period.

But recently scholars have cast doubt on this time frame as an absolute. William Green­ough, whose much-publicized studies of brain development in rats in the eighties helped pave the way for the current obsessions with sensory stimulus in infants, is a vehement critic of the new overemphasis on early learning. His research supports the idea that the brain continues to be plastic—still developing—after infancy. Indeed, many neuroscientists now deny that even adult brains lose plasticity.

“It’s important to point out that windows of development do not slam shut, as the earliest versions of [Parents’ Action for Children] and the Birth to Three movement suggested,” says Bradley Schlaggar, a pediatric neurologist at Washington University in St. Louis. One implication of that claim, he says, is that “when the development windows are thought to slam shut, parents may feel that the case is closed, and must try again with the next child.”

Schlaggar and many of the other neurologists, cognitive scientists, psychologists, and child-development specialists I spoke with questioned the idea that educational toys or DVDs accomplish what their makers claim. In a study by a University of Massachusetts researcher, a sample group of infants learned to use a puppet from a live teacher, while another group studied a video. The tots who had a teacher learned to use the puppet immediately, but the infant video-watchers had to view the instruction six times before they learned the same skill. As Charles Nelson, a professor at Harvard Medical School and a preeminent scholar of the infant brain, puts it, “There is no proof of the value of the early-enrichment toys and videos in terms of brain science.”

A number of scholars also argue that the idea of hard-and-fast “critical periods” is overplayed. For one thing, there is a difference between brain functions that are “experience-expectant” (which are bound by critical periods), and those that are “experience-dependent” (which are not). For instance, the brain requires that the eyes be exposed to light so that vision can develop properly. This must take place at a particular point in the development of all infants—it is experience-expectant. Experience-dependent learning, by contrast, is environmentally conditioned—learning a language or an instrument, or making a dumpling. This sort of learning is less governed by time. As John Bruer, an education consultant and the author of The Myth of the First Three Years, puts it, “critical periods are less likely for traits and behaviors … that are unique to the experiences of individuals, social groups, or cultures.”

According to Fred Dick, a developmental cognitive neuro­scientist and a lecturer in psychology at the University of London, starting early to learn a second or even third language can be a good thing. But “early” doesn’t mean in infancy. Furthermore, language-study DVDs tend to offer only disconnected words, and typically a child must be exposed to a language continuously to acquire it. Teaching a language to two or more children in person, at any age, may well be preferable to using videos, because a normal environment with another child “holds more information than any multimedia film,” Dick says. Studies have shown that the ability to learn the grammar of a second language doesn’t begin to decline until puberty—quite a while after the age of three.

Academics who study cognition also question the value of prenatal enrichment products. Gary Marcus, a professor of psychology at New York University and the author of The Birth of the Mind, says that while it is possible to learn something in the womb, it isn’t good to give a fetus too much stimulation. And given the paucity of long-term research on the subject, it’s hard to gauge what would be overstimulating: “We don’t know enough about early brain development to say.”

It’s one thing if these products are ineffective. But what if they’re actually damaging? A number of scholars have started to investigate whether children who have grown up watching educational videos have actually been hurt by their intense orientation to television. (In May, a child advocacy group filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission, arguing that Brainy Baby and Baby Einstein product labeling should include the American Academy of Pediatrics’ warning that children under two shouldn’t watch any TV.) One study found that today’s high level of indoor activity and play—even if it involved “learning—harmed children’s young bodies and minds. (The study was financed by Wisk Laundry Detergent—perhaps in an effort to promote grass stains.)

Despite these negative findings, and for all the fuzziness of the product-makers’ claims, even the most sophisticated parents can be drawn to edutainment for babies.

“There are some guarantees with these products,” says Lynne Varner, a forty-two-year-old newspaper columnist who lives in Seattle. “My son may not see all the colors in the prism every day. He may go outside and see a green tree one day and a roaring bus the next day, but I have to hope that nature and life offer everything to him. I want our child to always be doing something that stimulates him. And so does everyone I know.”

Varner’s accumulation of educational toys started with Baby Einstein and grew to include Baby BumbleBee toys purchased at the Imaginarium and the now-defunct Zany Brainy. The stores and products made reassuring promises that her kid was going to be smart, she says: Baby Einstein markets itself this way to the “über-parents” she knows.

On Amazon.com, parent reviewers likewise emphasize that displaying these videos is part of their responsibility to adequately stimulate their children. “My 1-year-old is growing into a Brainy Baby,” writes one. “How many [babies] can tell you what an orangutan is, or the difference between a circle and an oval, or that the color of our van is ‘silver’? My son could—from watching these videos!”

Of course, many parents don’t entirely trust the pitches from the companies. Lynne Varner recognizes that they aim to capitalize on her worst fear: that her child will fall behind. But she still buys the products. Many parents, like Varner, buy them even as they remain skeptical about their claims. They don’t want to fail to do the right thing for their kids. They want them to have every edge.

It seems to me that the Baby Genius Edutainment Complex also arises from a simpler fear than those about lost brain cells and missed opportunities. The edutainment products are, at bottom, meant to reduce unproductive time—to prevent idleness and stave off boredom. But what exactly is boredom for a child? “One of the most oppressive demands of adults [is] that the child should be interested,” writes Adam Phillips in On Kissing, Tickling and Being Bored, “rather than take time to find what interests him. Boredom is integral to the process of taking one’s time.”

Some experts even argue that a certain amount of boredom is important for children’s development. Fred Dick, the developmental cognitive neuroscientist, says an infant’s caregivers should obviously attend to a child but not feel obliged to provide constant stimulation. But in the new, improved infancy, taking one’s time—waiting for desire to awaken—goes against the grain.

One specialist in educating gifted children suggests that for an infant, watching a waving adult finger or playing with a set of keys can be just as stimulating as the whirling dervish of rainbows on a Baby Einstein DVD. Such simple pleasures, which adults find boring—and this is part of it: we can’t remember how easily we were once entertained—are often just what infants need.

In the Baby Genius Edutainment Complex, the palliative for child boredom is always a new product, and it can seem that price is no object. In effect, these products are mostly intended for the reasonably well-off. The Leapster Multimedia Learning System is $70. BabyPlus runs to $150. The by-now-classic Baby Einstein videos—Baby Mozart, Baby Bach, Baby Beethoven, Baby Einstein Language Nursery, and Baby Einstein Language Discovery Cards—come as a special boxed set at $69.99.

Like other elements of childhood for the precociously gifted—private or home schooling, overstructured activity, and proto-professional training—edutainment products are part of a system that divides children into haves and have-lesses. The infants inculcated with the early-reading DVDs and flash cards are supposed to deploy their early advantage to get ahead of other reasonably affluent children. For those who can afford them, the DVDs and toys are just the beginning. After all, the educational-toy-and-video industry is a gateway into the larger giftedness culture; it’s the start of the voyage on which America shapes its children into champions.

Screw hockey, I'm going to bed...

Last night marked a monumental decision, and likely one that will mark me as a "Bad Canadian" forever.

I chose sleep over hockey. And it wasn't even close.

What makes my decision even more justifiable? It was 3-2 when I went to sleep (I checked the score online... never even turning on the TV) and it ended 4-3 in OT. Basically, I'd have been watching guys skate around for two hours, and then gone to bed likely pissed off that I didn't go to bed when I knew I should have.

The other side of this, is that this morning as I was getting out of the shower, I realized why people find my anemic sleep habits so odd. I had slept for about 9 hours, and I felt invigorated... refreshed... energetic, even! Turns out I have just gotten used to waking up feeling like a bag of smashed arseholes every morning, so I forgot what I'm supposed to feel like after a good night's sleep. You could likely compare my typical feeling in the morning to a mild hangover... but not today!

You'd think that this would pave the way for a new me... and new pro-sleep approach to life. But you'd be wrong. I'm going to go to the pub after practice tonight, and I'm going to drive up to the cottage late Friday after Sonia and Jason's thing, and I'm going to Player's on Saturday, so I don't foresee much sleep in the next few days.....

But at least I know what I'm missing again, right?

So this is how it feels like to be a Pariah

I thought it worth noting that it now makes exactly a month since I had any contact with anyone else who lives in my building. Do you think it's a coincidence that it has also been exactly a month since that little incident with my downstairs neighbours?

I'm guessing no....


PS: I've decided against including a picture of a lepper with this post, cuz, well.... that's just wrong.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

This Just In

In case you haven't heard the news...


Thanks to WWTDD and a totally insane Jenna Elfman.

Startlingly Accurate

Just got this email from Maira, who works beside me....

-----------------MAY BABY -----------------

Stubborn and hard-hearted . Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. [emphasis hers] Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards oppisite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.


While I don't agree with everything here.... wow. Just, wow.

PS: Some people just innately know how to push my buttons... the large type above should show you where Maira falls in that respect.

This year's Summer Anthem?

I know it's still June, but I think it's time to break down who's in the running for this year's Summer Anthem.

Previous winners include Terror Squad's "Lean Back", 50 Cent's "In Da Club" and 2Pac 'n Dre's "California Love".... just to give you an idea of what I mean. In short, what song that sounds really hot right now will be played ad nauseum until you hate it in August, and then not again until about January, when you'll hear it when you're out somewhere, and remember why it was such a damned hot track.

So anyway, on to this year's contenders...

Leader so far:

"Ridin'" - Chamillionaire
Holy crap... what a thick baseline, and a simple, catchy hook.... the closest anyone has come to lightning in a bottle since 50.

Other Contenders:
"Promiscuous" - Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland
Hot track, but despite the subject matter, a little girly to expect to see gang bangers and wiggers alike cranking it while low riding down the street.
"Crazy" - Gnarls Barkley
Another great one, but maybe a bit light in the baseline department to really be a clab favourite. Strikes me that it'll be a "Miss Jackson"-esque kind of hit.
"Love Generation" - Bob Sinclair feat. Gary Pine
Same kinda vibe as "Crazy"... likely more of an on-the-beach kinda track.

Outside Shot:
"Hips Don't Lie" - Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean
Mostly with the World Cup remix being so topical... would this be an appropriate time to mention that I'm going to her show in August?

Something we haven't head yet:
T.I.'s next single?
The dude's on fire. Between "What You Know" and "Why U Wanna", I almost think he's biding his time... but I don't know the album at all, so maybe those were his best shots.
G-Unit
Any one of them could pop off with a killer track at any time.... I think 50's in the studio working on stuff for his next album, and there aren't any real contending tracks left on the Mobb Deep CD, but any of the rest of them could drop one without much notice...

Outkast
They've got something new out now, but they haven't really had a Summer Anthem since "Bombs Over Bagdad"... so we'll see.....

(no, "Hey Ya" doesn't count... I will not debate this point)

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Dave and I are jerks...

I have a ridiculous tendancy to hit "Reply All" to almost any mass email I get. DC tends to do the same, so whenever we are both included on a mass email, be prepared for some spam.

Our buddy Kyle is travelling in Belize right now, and so sends periodic updates... needless to say, we rib him endlessly... today's example:

Kyle:
Hey kids,

First off I gotta give respect to Meghan for being the best email correspondent of the lot of ya! And yes, that is a challenge Steve... [the email continutes, but whatever]

Me:
Wow, man... between the "guy time" with Ian [reference to a previous email that numerous gay comments were made about] and Meghan's email proclivity, Steve's really taking a beatdown in the friend department...

DC:
Kyle

Just to let you in on something, Steve is throwing the email competition as a retaliation for not being included in 'guy time' three emails ago.

Dave

P.S. Sorry for taking the joke too far but "When in Rome..."

Me:
Dave... he's in Belize, not Rome. Do you even read the emails?

:)

Now, this might not seem terrible at first blush, but keep in mind that there are almost 40 people on this email list (many of whom DC and I haven't even met), including Kyle's parents.... and the fact that Dave and I work together. I could literally walk from my desk to his in the amount of time it takes me to write an email.

But we're just jerks.... :)

I like the Barter System!


I like it a lot.

Last night I was able to trade the copy of the Grey's Anatomy Season Finale that Steph sent me because I missed it to go drinking on my birthday to Jenna (who missed it for the same reason, and has voiced her displeasure in my blatant flaunting of the contents in the space) for a sweet "C'mon England!" Roots bracelet.

Of course, in order to make this little trade, I trekked out to Waterloo... which meant that I had the joy of driving into a sunset. And also the joy of driving into a sunrise upon my return. Well, not quite the sunrise, but it was certainly starting to get bright.

Now that I think about it, that's
two nights of sleep that this CD has cost me.

Turns out I like the Barter System better than sleep.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

A Moment for Reflection

So Saturday marked my return to the competitive piping ranks. I've never felt so relaxed and played in a band that sounded so good in my life.

I'm not going to suggest that I wasn't nervous... that'd be ridiculous. But it wasn't the incredible black-out panic that I used to feel "back in the day". Now, maybe I've grown up and gained some perspective, or maybe I'm just more confident in general, but whatever it was, I couldn't be happier with things piping-wise right now.

Oh! I also think it has to be pretty cool that we got our drones tuned Saturday by our very own minor celebrity. Glenn Healy is a non-competitive member of our band, and honestly did a great job setting our drones. It's just matching everyone's drones to our PM's with a meter, but some people manage to fuck it up, and I'll admit I was apprehensive at first, but Glenn did really well. He has a good ear, and moves quickly... He also felt the need to tell me his name when we met. I thought that was kind of humble of him.

That's not the only celebrity that our band gets to rub shoulders with! When Sir Paul was in town in the fall (sadly before I joined... ) they got to play Mull of Kintyre with him (careful... the picture gallery has a recording of the performance).

That's about it...

Saturday, June 10, 2006

I promise I didn't find this, but....

Just in case you didn't believe me, I am officially a Q-list celebrity.

Friday, June 09, 2006

It's always funny...

...to get a different perspective on people.

Especially when it's by one of their supposed best friends!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

My reputation preceeds me

Tonight was the band's last practice before our first contest on Saturday in Georgetown. This can begin to explain why I have been somewhat neglecting this space, that and work is actually getting remotely taxing, thus giving me less time for idle thoughts and rumminations....

Anyway, with that scene, we start to get the classic pre-highland games speech from the Pipe Major, and he continues on... "don't worry about the judges....blah, blah, blah .... just do what you know you're capable of ...yadda, yadda, yadda..... don't get into any fights in the beer tent, etc." (these are Scots we're dealing with....)

But then comes the clincher... "And don't go getting all hammered on Friday night, and showing up hungover..." to which about half the band goes, "Iain?"

Motherfucker.....

Reversing Field

Okay, so maybe I am going to miss Izzie on Grey's Anatomy next season...

Beer out my nose..... almost...

Tuesday night at the pub, our Pipe Major was discussing why he doesn't really talk much with our Drum Major...

John: "I don't really strike up many conversations with Steve."
Me: "Why is that?"
John: "Well, he knows that I know he's a tit."

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Simple Solutions to Simple Problems


I guess all that's left to say is "Simple People"...

I couldn't agree more

Credit where credit is due....
Her: “So, who do you know here?"
Tucker: “No one. I just heard there was free liquor, so, you know…game On."
Her “Nice. Drinking alone is one of the beginning stages of alcoholism."
Tucker: “Oh I’m way past the beginning stages. I already sit alone in the dark and drink, and hide liquor around my house. I’m a full blown, irreversible alcoholic."
Her: “Nice. Excellent."
Tucker: “But you know, I think alcoholism is highly underrated. It gets a bad rap. Think about: What really are the detriments to being an alcoholic?"
Her: “I don’t know. You tell me."
Tucker: “OK, well, let’s think about it: 1. It hurts relationships with family and friends? I don’t like those people anyway; 2. Causes long term health problems? I drive way too fast to worry about anything long term; 3. Costs money? I’m going to spend it recklessly anyway, better on alcohol than on drugs or pornography; 4. Causes rude and aberrant behavior? I’m an asshole when I’m sober; being drunk actually calms me down. Now compare that to it’s benefits: It makes me invulnerable to criticism, makes ugly people attractive, makes boring people seem interesting, and makes hot girls like me. For my money, the choice is obvious."
Raise your hand if you see a single flaw in that argument.

All hail the King....

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Another Entry

From the "Things that only happen to me" File....

Today, while at a wedding on Ward's Island, I was asked to stop playing so that a cop could make an announcement regarding a "Mad Cow that [was] pregnant, pissed off, and has been charging people".

I did, however, confirm that this was just a poor choice of words, as the cow was merely upset.

But still. What the hell?

Just Fucking Wrong

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person in the world that things like this happen to...

First I must set the scene: Parking lot of a Jack Astor's. Raining... 12:30am

So I'm innocently going back to my car, talking to Naing about plans for tomorrow's stupidity, and as I approach my car... I notice the car beside mine. Or rather I notice that I can see right through the front seats... like they're not there.

Huh...

I get closer. I see hair. I see people.

I see the back window is fogged.

You have to be fucking kidding me.

And the best part is that they're on the driver's side of my car, too....

Small silver lining: I get to look over my right shoulder as I back out of the spot.


PS: It's almost 1am. In the last 42 hours, I have slept for exactly 2 and a half of them.

This is going to change very very shortly.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Why the World Hates Scotland


If you know enough Scottish people, you will notice that we are generally a mean spirited group of people. Cruel would be a good word. Miserable is another good one.

Oh, right... can't forget cheap.

But last night at the pub, I heard the granddaddy of them all.

Apparently quite a few years ago, there were a number of European soccer teams that came to play a series of exhibition matches in Toronto. Among them, Glasgow Rangers and Bayern Munich. My Pipe Major had the luck of getting in to see this match.

Sitting in a mostly Scottish section, with just a few Germans in the front part of the section, everyone was hooting and hollering through the opening ceremonies, and "Flower of Scotland" (as they are provincial arseholes, Scotland refuses to play "God Save the Queen" prior to sporting events) as, of course, they were quite drunk.

Then came the German National Anthem (I have no idea what that is).

The Scots immediately start chanting...

"Who won the war?!? Who won the war?!? Who won the war?!? Who won the war?!? Who won the war?!?"

The Germans got up and moved sections...

For Anyone Who Cares

I know that some people have been to a few highland games with me, and generally people enjoy themselves.

Mostly it's the sword guy and the beer tent, but I'll pretend it has something to do with me. Even vaguely.

In that spirit, here is where I'll be, and when:

June 10 - Georgetown
June 24 - Hamilton
July 1 - Kincardine
July 8 - Chatham
Aug 4/5 - Maxville
Sept 2/3 - Pleasanton, CA

There are other games, but we're just not going because they don't have Grade 1 contests, or in the case of Fergus on August 12th, I'm just not going.... what with playing at Lindsay's wedding and all.

Even if you couldn't care less, but happen to live near any of these places, be prepared for a slightly drunk and possibly sunburnt Iain potentially looking for a place to crash.

And with regards to Maxville, unlike in past years, I won't be passing through Kingston.... the band is actually taking a bus to Ottawa Thursday night. However, I'm going to be at the games all day Friday and Saturday, with a practice Friday night... so I have no idea how much time (if any) I'll have in Ottawa.

Somewhere, somebody just exhaled.

Today in a Nutshell


Iain: I'm hungry
Stephen: you mean sleepy
Iain: I can be two things

Turns Out People Trust Me

This might be the oddest way to follow up my previous post, but it's starting to become apparent that the general public considers me trustworthy.

Yes. I laughed, too.

On top of the Master Key to a church and a pass card to get into a Petro-Canada Terminal, I now I have a Peel Police Services ID. Granted, it's a Non-Employee ID, but still. Turns out my background check came up clear.....

Sweet!

Or maybe they're just letting those two dead hookers they found in my trunk last year slide...

Cops can be cool like that sometimes.

Playing Insomnia

Okay, so maybe this isn't always the best game, and really there are no winners.... except hilarity!

Wow. Maybe I should go to bed...

But first, an explanation.

Earlier this evening I finally got around to watching the first of the half dozen episodes of Grey's Anatomy that Steph was so kind as to burn onto CD for me, as I actually managed to miss the end of the season for various reasons.... okay, well, the reasons were going out drinking and such, but still... I missed them. For that, she's the best.... tho I might suspect my boss might not be her biggest fan in about 3 hours.

Well, I got one episode in when I got home, and spent most of band practice wondering what happened next... however, I also got convinced to stay later than I had planned by Lynda and Chris, as ....well.... I was going to leave, but then Lynda uncharachteristically ordered another pint... so what am I supposed to do?

Anyway, I get home at like 1 or so.... but I still want to watch more GA.

Bad idea.

So here I sit, shortly after 5.... (Damnit) And as I sit here, I can't help but make a couple of observations about the end of GA Season 2:

First, if that's the end of Izzie's charachter, then I'm at the point that I'm glad to see her go. I know I've gone on and on at length about her.... but man.... that was not cool.

Ellen Pompeo (Meredith) is now officially the Calista Flockhart of the 21st Century. Somebody get that girl a sammich....

Who knew Alex could be human?

Alright. That's it. I've had enough... um... spontaneous allergy attacks for one night.

Bedtime.

Fucking hell.... are those birds? Those are SO not birds chirping....

Damnit, those are birds....

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Just Throwing It Out There

(no pun intended... seriously... I swear)

How come people keep trying to lynch Barry Bonds for steroids and let Roger Clemens off scott free?

They're both jerks, and have both had some of their best years when most players have long since retired. If anything, Barry is more endearing because he has shown even the vaguest loyalty to the Giants. I guess the same can be said once Roger got to his hometown Astros, but whatever.... He's a hired gun, and that's all there is to it.

But most importantly, their bodies have both changed considerably, which is the main cog in the Barry Bonds Hate Machine....







































I hate to agree with a dickhead, but maybe Barry's right. The only difference I see is skin colour.

And that's just sad.

You know, other than "Asshole"


I have no nicknames. At least none that have stuck.

Not that people haven't tried.


In high school, the football team started calling me "Gummi Bear" (mostly because our coach liked to have nicknames for everyone), but only Steve ever called me that outside of football (well, he just calls me "Gummi"), and I never see any of those guys anymore.

Neil and Mark tried calling be "Golden Delicious" (that just sounds wrong, doesn't it?) after Mark put an apple sticker on my jacket and I didn't notice for an hour. Needless to say, that didn't take.

Kyle called me "G" for a while, but his names for people are very fluid, and so he kind moved on not long after that.

Pat calls me "Gomer", and Melis has picked that up a bit (just as you can see I have also picked up his painfully lazy shortening of Melissa), but nobody else really goes with that.

There was a time when I was younger that my dad called me "Chick", extrapolating from the habit of Scottish men calling their wives "Hen" (watch "So I Married an Axe Murderer" if you don't believe me), but now he most sticks with referring to me as "The Boy". I've chosen to find this endearing....

I do, however, have many Alter-Egos.

Electric Circus Iain (should be self-explanatory)

Frank the Tank (again, shouldn't need much explanation...)

Serious/Work Iain (you'd never believe how good I am at playing "responsible"... I apparently even sound different talking to co-workers)

But really, those are all just caricatures of certain aspects of my personality.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that there really aren't any short forms for Iain.

Oh well...