Have you ever noticed?

I know I'm not the only person to catch this... but almost every week I get more and more startled by the sheer volume of now-famous actresses that played Jerry's various girlfriends along the way on Seinfeld.

This week's shocker was to see Melinda Clarke (a.k.a. Julie Cooper from The OC) sitting on Kramer's J. Peterman Reality Tour bus complaining that he used cinnimon raisin for her pizza bagel. Check entry 25 from 1997 on the above link or here if you don't believe me.

Others who, as far as I can tell, made their TV debuts, but went on to bigger and better things include Kristin Davis and Jane Leeves, among others, but I swear I've seen Helen Hunt on there, too... IMDb is just failing me right now........

Anyway, it's like a game to see what big stars landed bit parts on old Sit-Coms... or maybe I just need to get more creative in my hobbies....... ?

Evidence is starting to suggest

I've been thinking for a while that while I know more stuff, I have actually become dumber since I finished high school. Now, I'm not even sure I can say that....

Last night, for the first time in a long time I watched Jeopardy. Wow. I haven't sat quietly for that long in a while. Now, normally, even when alone, people will blurt out answers to any questions they know.... well, I would have......... had I any answers to give.

At the risk of sounding like a smarty-pants (contain your laughter...), I'm going to say that I used to watch Jeopardy almost daily when I was younger. It was virtual mandatory viewing each night after dinner for my parents, and with little else to occupy me, I tended to join them. Okay, so when I was really young, I just kinda watched.... but around when I hit high school, I actually started to know stuff! I'd even beat my parents on things and blurt out answers to stuff they didn't even know! Now? I sit quietly, answering only the real "gimmies" (exmaple: the category "Nov"-ember had answers such as "Cape Breton is part of this Canadian Province" and "The anesthetic you thank the dentist for").

You know what? Since there really isn't anything else worth watching at all at 7:30pm, I think I'm going to take up Jeopardy again.... unless I start to feel especially dumb. Which is a safe bet...

Doritos and Coffee

The NEW Breakfast of Champions!!

What a difference a year makes

So yesterday I stopped in at my old job to pick up the Bills-Dolphins tickets from my old co-worker. I realized when I showed up there that I used to drive that ridiculous distance every day... now I see why people thought I was nuts for still living in the city, but things have corrected themselves, so we're good.

But that wasn't my point, actually... what I also noticed was that I used to show up there in a shirt, tie, dress pants and leather shoes. Yesterday I arrived in jeans and a gold shirt, wearing running shoes (I can get away with that now, as I'm wearing steel toes almost all day, so when I don't have to, I wear something comfortable). Now the jeans are mostly due to being at site, but just the idea of even being there so casually dressed felt a bit awkward.

And it also reminded me why it feels oh so good to be elsewhere on a daily basis... :)

Signs I'm Getting Old

Last week, I'm listening to the radio, and I happen to hear the business report. During this little segment, they mention that the TSX might be a little artificially inflated, and thus might be due for a "market correction" as they say. In other words, a fall. And this actually concerned me slightly. Like, not in the sense of the larger economy, but for me personally.

And the fact that this concern was justified actually scared me more. I'm now one of "those" people who pays attention to the stock market, if even peripherally.

Shit.

Further signs I'm getting old came up last Saturday night on my way home... Nora and I are just about to grab a cab, and she notes that we'll likely be home by about 2, and that neither of us are overly drunk. We agree that it'll be nice to get a good sleep, and not wake up any worse for wear in the morning.

We also agree that we're clearly getting old if we're pleased by this, as being out unbelievably late and waking up feeling like we've been hit by a bus used to be the sign of a good time.

It's worth noting that I passed on a party in Guelph that had the cops called on it in order to attend the particular shindig that Nora and I were coming home from.

I'm almost disappoined in myself. Almost.

Jays Talk

Well, it's nice to see the Blue Jays aren't totally insane. J.P. does have a brain in that head of his. I was getting a little worried that too much blood was going to his nose, but alas, my concerns have been alleviated.

They re-signed Gregg Zaun.

Now, this doesn't seem like such a big deal, but seeing as questions about Zaun dominated the press conference about the Frank Thomas signing (more on that in a moment), I think it warrants mentioning. The other catcher they were talking to was Rod Barajas, who is basically a crappy version of Bengie Molina, whom they already dumped.

Zaun's turn as an analyst on Rogers Sportsnet showed him to be a great baseball mind, not to mention pretty well spoken, which is a huge asset as a catcher. Not to mention the guy's a swtich hitter who has just been getting better and better offensively, to go with his solid defensive skills and great handling of the pitching staff. I actually liked him better than the highly touted Molina behind the plate.

Now, as for Thomas, I think it's a great signing, even though the money could have conceivably been better spent on pitching. I think he takes a lot of pretty off Troy Glaus who tailed off noticibly after a few nagging injuries took him off his game and he started pressing. Now, with The Big Hurt in the lineup, Glaus can bat as low as 6th if he gets into a funk again, and won't feel the same pretty to produce from the clean-up spot as he did last year.

Wells-Thomas-Glaus-Overbay.... now that's a murderer's row from 3 to 6 I'd put up against the Yankees' lineup any day... and with Reed Johnson and Alex Rios setting the table, I think they're in business.

Now they just need a few arms to keep the other team from scoring.......

A Little too Close to Home

Seeing as I apparently keep my head thoroughly planted up my own ass, I just found out about this last night.

It's a guy I went to high school with, and while I only vaguely knew him personally, we had many common friends.

And now he's dead.

The bar he was at, Bryden's? Probably the one I've frequented most in Toronto. The TD ATM across the street he went to? Been to that about a million times. The alleyway he was killed in? Leads to the Jane Subway Station. I know it well enough that I could probably picture exactly where the fucker was hiding.

Some details you won't hear in the news, but I know becuase Neil's sister knows that group of friends really well:

Mike was apparently brain dead when he arived at the hospital, and was pronounced dead almost immediately. The fact that the news kept saying he was in critial condition was a little inaccurate. He was on life support because he's an organ donor. Having people asking you how your friend is when you already know he's dead, but the news is reporting otherwise, is a little traumatic, to say the least.

Also, the murderer almost immediately sped away in a cab. As the ultimate Good Samaritan, a guy in a car nearby who saw the whole thing offered to give Mike's friends a lift, and they caught up to him. After a brief chase on foot, they apprehended him, and since one of (I think) Mike's cousins is like 300 lbs., he just sat on the shit until the cops showed up.

Anyway, a little more drama this week than I'd like, especially considering the premise for Neil's phone call last night was to set up the details for me playing at a Memorial Service for his grandfather on Sunday... which is creepy in and of itself, as I played at his 80th birthday 7 or 8 years ago......

I'm a sucker for nostalgia

Okay, so Monday night I catch that the 10:30 Friends on FOX is actually Part 1 of the Series Finale.

Now, I was a closet Friends fan. I used to find excuses not to go over to the guys' place on Thursdays until after it was over, as I knew they most of them hated the show on principle, and thus it woudn't be showing in their living room.

It's weird when you think about it... the show was on for 10 years, and those 10 years pretty much encompassed my entire high school and university career. I had people I considered some of my best friends in the world that I had "known" for half as long as the characters on that show....which really sounds kinda sad, when you say it out loud... but whatever.......

Point is: Friends was around for a pretty important part of my life, and really, for most people around my age, as it was the show to watch for a long time....

Now for the weird part. Since Monday showed Part 1, I assumed Tuesday was Part 2. I was right. And while I'm not sure why I feel the need to post about this, but I'm going to anyway....

Do you remember the part after Rachel gets on the plane, and Ross goes home to check his messages? He's listening to one from Rachel as she's trying to get off the plane... and then just after it ends without any resolution, you hear her say from off camera, "I got off the plane."

How sad is it that that exact moment (the first time through... not last night) is about the only time in the last 3 or 4 years that a single tear actually ran down my cheek?

I'm not suggesting that it wasn't incredibly well done, or emotional, or touching , or any of that bullshit.... but, seriously...... what the fuck?

Black Friday? What the cock is that shit?

Today is apparently the first "official" day of Christmas shopping. Personally, I think that should be December 23rd... I'm pretty proud of myself for even thinking of Christmas before that.

And while this mid-week Thanksgiving stuff has it's nice aspect of mid-week NFL... there's also the downside of the fact that getting in touch with anyone in the US started off hard on Monday, and progressively becomes impossible by noon on Wednesday. Yes, I'm just bitching again.

PS: First person to guess where the second part of the title to this post comes from gets an empty promise for a cookie!

I can't stop laughing...

...but this is hilarious!
(in reference to Ashlee Simpson being spotted with Taye Diggs, and potentially moving on to other black guys)

"And you'll know when she starts getting hollowed out by dudes like that because every time her skinny ass opens her mouth, a beam of sunlight will hit the floor between her legs."

I am already sick of winter... and it's not even winter!

I live in Canada, so I should be used to this.... but the one thing that I can't get used to is cleaning off my car in the morning. Last year, I was starting work late enough that most light frost was burnt off by the time I needed to drive anywhere, but with the project I'm on, I need to be at site by the time the contractors are starting (which tends to be early...) so I've been cleaning frost off my windows all week.

I am not impressed.

Warm days are nice, and all, but a warm night or two would be even better.

Further evidence that I'm a bad Canadian.

O.J. Simpson can suck my dick, but that doesn't mean he wasn't a good running back

I'm sure you've all heard by now that FOX has (thankfully) decided to pull the ridiculously titled "If I did it" TV special and book about O.J. Whatever. That was going to be a cash cow, because, well... everyone loves a good tranwreck. O.J.'s appeal, in my opinion, was based on the fact that he was the ultimate "Uncle Tom" for the NFL, broke the Unintentional Comedy Scale in the Naked Gun movies, and then seemingly out of nowhere killed his (white) wife and her lover. The dude made Bryant Gumble seem like the long lost 5th member of NWA, and now he's killing people?? It was insane.

But before that, the dude was a really really amazing running back.... and that brings me to me biggest problem with O.J.'s recent publicity. It has brought up the idea of taking his name down from the Ring of Honour at Ralph Wilson Stadium, home of the Buffalo Bills. Now, yes... I will admit that what he (probably) did, but was never convicted for in criminal court (although he lost the civil suit) was horrible, but that doesn't mean he wasn't an incredible football player! He was the first player ever to rush for 2,000 yards in a season, and that was when a season was only 14 games! Only like 3 other guys have run for more than 2,000 yards, and they've all done it since the schedule was expanded to 16 games. This is about equivalent to Babe Ruth's 60 homeruns in 154 games being eclipsed by other 60+ homerun hitters in a 162 game schedule... but nobody seems to bring that up anymore.

Yes, the dude should probably be rotting in a prison cell, but he's not. Thank the American court system for that one, but it still doesn't mean he didn't do some mindblowing things on the football field.

Random O.J. Fact: Obviously, his nickname was The Juice (not creative, but still pretty decent). But what kills me (poor choice of words) is that his Offensive Line on the Bills used to be called The Electric Company... Why? Because they turned on The Juice! Get it? Get it??

Other Places I Wish I Was

Like here.

Figured it out

I've been trying to figure out my fascination with Grey's Anatomy for a while. And while Izzie used to be a damned good reason to like the show, it didn't seem like it quite justified the level of rabid attention and emotional investment that I was giving it. And then a couple of weeks ago, it hit me...

The various (admittedly fucked up) relationships in the show, are really just one-dimensional representations of different aspects of real relationships I (and I hope some of you, or I'm going to sound like a pretty big nut job) have with people. I'm not saying I actually have relationships with anyone exactly like those on the show. They are basically caricatures, but some of them ring true, and often you find yourself cheering for the resolution that perhaps you'd like to see.

Or maybe I'm over-analyzing, and I'm actually just a big bag of crazy.

Life Evens Out

Now, I'm not going to get into all the details, but the last two or three days have fucking sucked. My little post a couple of days ago about blowing a gasket at one of the contractors got blown all out of proportion, and while I was trying to explain to my boss and even our client what happened (thankfully, they agreed that it wasn't that big a fucking deal) I was still having to deal with a couple of time-sensitive disasters that needed to be fixed by the end of this week. In fact, that's why I sit here at 6:30am waiting for the workers to show up so that we can get some shit straight before the weekend...

I was in an awful mood yesterday, and while I'm moody at the best of times, this was exceptional. I just didn't give a shit. And frankly, I hadn't in a few days. Everything I was doing was just to avoid getting buried deeper under the giant pile of shit that I felt I was living beneath. Believe it or not, I actually take pride in my job, and I was just getting shit on from every direction, and for reasons that were somewhat beyond my control. I had pretty much given up after the meeting with my boss and our client's project manager, which felt more like going to the principal's office than I'd like to admit. I guess, while I have a pretty quick temper, I also have more than enough self-control, so I rarely show it, and thus don't often have to deal with the fallout from it.

Anyway, there I was... walking back to my office, ready to spend the afternoon wishing time could move faster, when I got the call. Turns out the buddy I used to work with that has hooked me up with Bills-Dolphins tickets the last couple of years (I spaced on it this year until August, which was too late) has to go to Taiwan for work, and is leaving next week. The Dolphins are in Buffalo on December 17th. He'll be away, and guess who he called to take his season's tickets seats? Yup! ME!!

I was willing to take the first couple of days of shit to make up for a great weekend, but it was getting ridiculous.

When in doubt, always know... when life seems like it's fucking you in the ass without so much as a pillow or leather strap to bite on, something great is juuuuust around the corner! :)

Should have brought this up yesterday

Okay, so it's not entirely topical anymore, but I just have to laugh about this one....

Apparently while co-hosting on Regis & Kelly, there was a point when Clay Aiken put his hand over Kelly Ripa's mouth to make her shut up. Now, I'm not suggesting that I haven't wanted to do the same (or worse) to her, but to do it on national television when you're guest host seems a bit presumptuous. It might also be worth noting that Kelly is (apparently) somewhat of a germaphobe.

Well, right after this action by Mr. American Idol Runner-Up, Kelly spits out (something along the lines of), "Get that hand out of my face... I dont' know where it has been!"

Well, believe it or not, everyone's favourite rampaging diesel dyke Rosie O'Donnell decided to weigh in (something you can't take lightly... ha! get it??) on this. She went on to say that she thought Kelly would have had a different reaction if Clay was "straight or cute".

Wow.

If I'm Clay Aiken, I'm not sure I'd hire Rosie as a lawyer. As Maureen Holloway (of "The Last Word" fame on Q107 among others) said, "Straight and cute? Aren't those two things that Clay Aiken maintains he is?"

Anyway, my favourite part was when Kelly Ripa actually called in to The View and tore Rosie a new one, saying that it was flu season, she has 3 kids and that Clay had just shaken hands with everyone in the audience.

I'm almost embarassed to mention that I used to watch Rosie's show... but that was back before she outted herself and became unfunny. Now she takes herself too damned seriously... I liked her better when she pretended to love Tom Cruise (don't even get me started on that little game of "I'll cover for you, if you cover for me") and shoot squoosh balls into the audience....

Scary, or funny?

In the midst of my bitching on Tuesday, I neglected to mention some of the funnier things about visting my grandparents...

First, let me get this out of the way.... in retrospect, there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to visit on my grandpa's birthday. The dude's 80, and he's not exactly getting stronger. I'd feel like an ass if I didn't go... after all, I'm the only grandchild. Apparently, from talking to my mum, he loved the cake and stuff, so yeah... it was worth it. And screw off, I'm allowed to have a heart once in a while!

Now, on to the funny.... with his 80th bday coming up, my grandpa had to take a driving test. This doesn't seem overly funny on the surface, until you know that he's a fucking scary driver. It's not that he's dangerous, it's more that he knows how to get his way on the road... and does. he regularly cuts people off because he knows he can get away with it (he's clearly old, but the handicapped sticker b/c of my grandmother being in a wheelchair seems to give him extra powers). Now, he passed his test (it sounded basically like a longer version of the G1 test).... but when he went to get his licence renewed, he forgot to bring the proof of passing with him. That should have been a sign to the licencing people, no?

Anyway, after that, I made some off hand remark about how he had been driving for 60+ years, so it probably wasn't a big deal. He agreed that it was pretty straight forward, but then his me with this little nugget...

"60 years? I've been driving since I was 10! And you know what? I never actually took my licence in the old country."

That makes me feel safe on the roads. It really really does...

Toronto Sports

Yesterday was a pretty big day for Toronto sports....

After re-upping JFJ for another year, in a nod to the unexpectedly successful run thus, the Leafs gave the league leading Buffalo Sabres just about all they could handle, in Buffalo no less! While the 7-4 final might look like a blow-out, the Leafs had them down 2-0 at one point, and had it tied 4-4 in the third. Only a poor clearing play, Andrew Raycroft they proceeded to get tripped by his own player, making it 5-4, and after a HUGE save from Ryan Miller, the boys from the B-lo potted two empty netters.

Now, admittedly, I was only kinda watching that game, as the Raptors were playing LeBron James (and, I guess, the rest of the Cavs) at the same time. After jumping out to a big first quarter lead, the Cavs fought back, but were held off by a Raptors team that didn't panic like I thought they would (and apparently did a lot while going 0-5 on the west coast last week). They actually showed the high tempo play that sent them to a 7-1 record in the pre-season. It was also my first chance to see some of the new faces on the Raps, and let me say... they looked good! Garbajosa looks like a tall, slightly slower, Manu Ginobili... and slightly slower than Manu isn't all that slow.. not to mention Fred Jones and Anthony Parker are starting to settle in nicely.

I also noted how many new players the Leafs have... now, I guess some of these are results from injuries, but holy crap... I honestly hadn't heard of 3 or 4 of these guys. And they actually acquitted themselves well!

Now, as long as Montreal keeps playing half decently, I'm sure I'll be able to stomach the inevitable Leaf Mania, but I just hope their ACC roommates can step it up and paly like they did last night more often. With the shitty Eastern Conference in the NBA, anything can happen!

Sometimes I'm just that thick

As some of you have been oh so lucky to find out, I can be pretty thick sometimes. In fact, I know that I can be downright dense.... and here's an example from everyday life to show that, basically, I'm just a moron:

Scene: A car and a truck travelling in opposite directions. They stop, and the drivers lean out their respective windows.

Other Driver: Hey... how do you like your coffee?
Me: Meh, whatever... doesn't matter.
Other Driver: Would you take a double-double?
Me: Well, I'd prefer regular.
Other Driver: But you'd drink a double-double?
Me: Actually, I'd prefer regular.
Other Driver: Okay, I have a double-double right here. Nobody wants it. Will you drink it?
Me: OH! Yes... yes I will. Thanks.

Well, if you hadn't been so fucking stupid!

Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I've actually yelled in anger. Now, that's not to say that I haven't yelled before, but it has mostly been to make a point, or just generally when the situation requried it (I'm on a fucking construction site!). This was the first time I've yelled without meaning to. I'm not saying that this is overly noteworthy, but it's very rare that I lose control for even long enough to yell a sentence... so I gues in that sense it is noteworthy... but it was such an odd sensation to get upset and yell without expressly meaning to. Like, really, I yell a lot... but 99.9% of the time it's for emphasis, or just to shout people down to make myself heard (as I'm overly prone to do).

But yesterday stunk to high heaven.... or should that be the depths of hell? Oh well. It's over. Life goes on.

I'm such a fucking good guy it hurts

Yesterday was the second-to-last episode before Prison Break goes on its (now seemingly traditional) multiple-month hiatus, for what I can only asume is 24.

I was also still feeling the effects from Saturday night, and to a lesser extent Sunday afternoon (which really just served to prolong the effects of Saturday night).

I am also getting sick.

Dealing with my grandparents invariably makes me want to drink.

Yesterday was my grandpa's 80th birthday.

Guess where I was? With a card and a cake, complete with candles.

Yeah. I'm such a wonderful fucking grandson I can't believe it, either.

Hell? I don't think so...

In a recent email exchange with Justin, I started to get a little theory....

Between a lot of our friends, it has become a running joke that we're all going to hell. Most of us have started to joke, well, hey... at least it'll be a good party, right? But then you remember the beer'd we warm. And the local TV station would only show Arizona Cardinals games on Sundays. And it got me thinking.... you know, for all the vile things we joke about, and awful things we say, we usually at least follow them up with ".. and I'm going straight to hell". Which, in my mind, at least kind of conceeds that we know it was vile and/or awful. Now, doesn't that make us better than the people who, when they get a disgusted look from someone after they shoot their mouth off, "What? I'm just sayin'..."?

Also, is it really fair to lump in people who haven't done anything worse than laugh at the odd dead baby joke or racially insensitive comment, with mass murderers and stuff? Seems a bit harsh.

Funny Thing

I guess this is more "funny peculiar" than "funny ha-ha", but still... from all the discussions I had with all the people I both did and didn't expect to see on Saturday night (in fact, I likely spent more time talking with people I didn't expect to see... if only because I talk with the people I expected to see on a semi-regular basis, you know... seeing as I knew they were going to be there, and all.... but whatever...), the one that kinda stood out was one with a fellow blogger.

You see, I've kind of known this person for a number of years, but really, we've never talked much. We have many mutual friends, and this is basically how we became aware of each other's blogs. And yet, after many months of reading blogs, you get a certain feeling like you know the person. Granted, it's mostly a distorted charicature of that person, but still... it's a level of familiarity. I guess it's funny how much of one's personality can be gleaned from one's writing. You get an idea of sense of humour, general speech pattern... I guess it just feeds that inner voyeur that just about everyone has a little of.

Anyway, that was a thoroughly disorganized thought. I hope you followed it, as re-reading it, I think it's just dreadfully written. The problem being that I still don't feel so hot due to a combination of lack of sleep and getting sick, among other things.... but my brain's fried, and I doubt I could make it any more coherent at this time. So bite me.

PS: Yes, I am fully aware of irony. Please restrain yourselves at pointing out that I'm bringing this up in a blog.

Mailbag Hilarity

Actual emails from actual readers (with responses from Bill Simmons):

Q: I'm 99 percent positive that Randolph and Mortimer Duke recently wagered $1 that they could turn the funniest, most successful stand-up comic into a disturbed bum on the street and turn a random unfunny guy off the street into the hottest comic in the land with TV specials and a feature film. How else can you explain the fall of Dave Chappelle and the rise of Dane Cook? It is the only answer. Looking good Dane Cook! Feeling good Dave Chappelle!
--DeVito, Washington

SG: There's still a month left in 2006, but that's the E-Mail of the Year so far.

Q: My buddies and I were talking about appropriate punishments for dictators like Saddam Hussein, and we came up with an idea that works for everyone and could raise money for the International Criminal Court without using tax dollars. Why not charge admission for people to look at convicted dictators in their jail cells, kind of like a zoo for genocidal megalomaniacs? Think about it: you put them in small, basic cells behind plexiglass and charge 25 euros to watch them go about their day. Tourists could get baked at a local coffee shop and head over to the jail to gawk at Slobodan Milosevic sitting on a cot watching "90210" reruns. You could even charge extra to feed them falafel pellets and shawarma biscuits. This would be a far worse fate for a once-proud dictator then being executed. Who wouldn't pay 25 euros to watch Saddam Hussein in his underwear eating Cheetos?
--Kris, Washington

SG: DeVito from Washington, you've been bounced! That's the new Greatest E-mail of 2006. And just for the record, I'd pay 200 euros to see dictators in zoo cages.

Q: Where do Jerry's outfits on the "Seinfeld" repeats rank on the Unintentional Comedy Scale? The purple turtleneck tucked into black jeans in the Keith Hernandez/JFK episode is phenomenal.
--Gavin Skeen, New York

SG: It appreciates every year, kinda like a tax-free savings account. Right now, it's an 8.7. Three years from now, it could be a 9.1.

No Parade? No Problem!

I understand that there is a possibility of fluries on Sunday in Toronto.

I'll be hoenst, I have never been happier not to be taking part in the Santa Claus Parade....

Having done it several times in high school while with the Toronto Police, and then with Queen's, I'm not at all sad to be heading out to band practice rather than freezing my fingers, among other appendages, off in the wind tunnel known as University Avenue.

Warm times are good times! :)

Apparently I have no clue

Turns out the new PS3 came out today.

Who knew?

I found out about this yesterday on the radio. It seems this is a big deal, as I heard about it again this morning.

Now, the question as I see it is: Am I am getting old, and thereby losing touch with video games? Or am I just not nerdy enough to keep up with video games anymore?

I'm not sure I even care which it might be, to be honest.

A rare example of....

...a woman who understands how men think:

Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA until LeBron starts playing defense consistently. Yes, I know King James led the league in steals, but playing passing lanes and individual D are two different things. The only reason Kobe didn't win MVP is because most sportswriters are men, and to them, Kobe's tattle-telling on Shaq was an unforgivable violation of a dearly held Man Law: Never snitch on your boy.

Guide to Healthy Living

With thanks from Naing:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn! And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Last point, if swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Justin Timberlake has perspective

At the risk of going What Would Tyler Durden Do? on you... I heard this quote when some dumbass reporter was harassing JT in Hawaii, where he apparently just bought a $14M house with Cameron Diaz...

Reporter: Justin, Justin... do you have any comment on the divorce of Britney and Kevin?
JT: Yeah... there's a war going on in Iraq.

Apathy

So apparently David Miller has been re-elected as mayor of Toronto.

Whoopie-fuck.

I couldn't possibly care less if I tried. Municipal elections are the choda of elections. I have dutifully voted in ever provincial and federal election since I turned 18, even casting votes from Kingston for my home riding, or at early polling stations if I happen to be home a week or so before an election... and yet I have an unblemished record of not even noticing that there was a municipal election until it was almost too late to inform myself.

Is it because I don't care? Mostly.

Is it because it doesn't really matter? Yeah, a lot of that, too.

I just can't seem to care about any of the candidates. I'm not sure I could pick David Miller out of a line-up. And I think that says more about him than me.

That said, I think could still spot Mayor Mel's bad weave a mile away.... you just don't forget hair like that!!

My boy Roy

Okay, so that's not supposed to rhyme... I'm not from Georgia.

But I feel the need to point out to anyone that's not aware that Patrick Roy was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame last night.

St. Patrick is the reason I started watching hockey in the first place, back in the '89 playoffs, when Montreal went to the Stanley Cup against the Flames. This was the last all-Canadian Cup Final, if memory serves, so I'm glad I got my Stanley Cup Cherry popped right.

Anyway, it's nice to see the best goalie ever (this point is NOT up for discussion) get his due formally.

Reminding myself why I care

Now, I had heard recently that Lauryn Hill is coming out with a new album…and I was momentarily exicted, as I remembered that her last album was great, but I couldn't really remember why.

Well, after one time through the CD, I recall…and it becomes clear why (if memory serves) she got a wheelbarrow full of Grammys for it!

The beats are very, for lack of a better term, organic. They're almost all using instruments, no samples I could hear, and are just so funky, fresh and soulful all at the same time. You can't help but nod your head to every track.

Also, the lyrics. I know I go on a lot about lyrics, but rarely do you hear an artist being as open and real as Lauryn is on this album. She talks about the pain in her life, as well as the joys, and it all just rings so very true. Not even a hint of anything remotely fake. If you can't relate to a single lyric on this album, then you just haven't lived.

I guess listening to this album again has made me even more excited for her second solo album.

I hang out with minor celebrities!

Now, I know I thought I was all king shit for getting to pipe in Mayor Hazel and Premier McSquinty (and actually being heard on TV tuning up when they interviewed Hazel, as they have to catch her early in he evening before she gets too shitfaced or falls asleep - yeah, she's great… you wonder why people love her??), but in the back of my mind, I was wondering how this job fell to me. I don't ask a lot of questions when I'm getting paid for stuff (yes, this rule applies to my entire life), so I didn't give it much thought, but it did occur to me.

Turns out the reason was a pretty good one… my Pipe Major was playing at the Leafs-Habs game! If you were watching, then you likely saw him at the very beginning. I only got home in time to see the puck actually drop (they hustle "the help" out the door pretty quick at these swanky things….), so I didn't get to see it, but the story has been confirmed several times over, so I'm confident that I'm not totally full of shit.

Why I Leave TO All The Time

You may have noticed that sitting here on Saturday f'ing night I'm blogging up quite a storm. Part of that is that it was another insane week at work, and I've actually been having trouble sleeping again due to the volume of crap floating around in my head, so I had to get it out.... but the greater reason is that while Toronto is the biggest city in Canada, I somehow still get bored here.

Nothing happens.

Granted, that might come from the fact that nobody plans anything, but I just can't get over it. I was used to the case where a Thursday, Friday or Saturday night "in" was because of some huge looming midterm or something... you just always found something to do. Now? Here? It's like pulling freakin' teeth. I'm just at a loss.

It's not that I have any great aversion to going out on my own... I'm a loner at heart, after all... but at what point do I then become a pathetic alcoholic bar fly?

Some questions I'm happy to never really get the answers to.

I am a Remembrance Day whore

Okay, so being a piper I have the unique ability to profit from most major events in people's lives. I get to be paid for attending weddings, funerals, birthday parties, you name it.... and while I don't pimp myself out as much as some people I know, I also don't shy away from a paying gig. And really, who would?

However, Remembrance Day is different. I have no relatives that have ever fought in a war. My grandpas were either medically unfit (flat feet) or too young, so I have no real emotional yardstick to work from.

That said, I played two jobs today, and have thus financed an unmitigated disaster next weekend at John Orr.

Also, having actually not played any paying jobs in a while, I forgot one little detail: Everyone has a story about bagpipes, and when they see a piper, they feel the need to tell it to you. Especially when it's old people, and the one this morning was at an old folks home, so they were plentiful. I can promise you that I'm nothing but polite and cordial (hard to imagine, I'm sure) while they're talking to me, but sometimes I just want to put my pipes away and find the person who's supposed to pay me. And by sometimes, I mean all the time. I've heard too many stories of people getting stiffed, and I don't ever want to have one of my own.

[Minor aside: There was a room in the place with a sign on it "Resident Storage". Am I a bad person for, even just for a split second, wondering if that was the morgue?]

Anyway, the one tonight was actually pretty cool. It was the Mayor's Gala in Mississauga, which was obviously for Hazel McCallion (the mayor of Mississauga), who is a crazy old pisstank that everyone seems to love, and included attendance by none other than our lovely Premier. It was quite the snooty black-tie affair, and it was actually kinda fun to pipe in two legitimately "famous" people. I even got a wink from old Hazel herself! She loves the pipe band.

More joys of playing with the Peel Police!

The more time passes...

...the more I realize House music in North America blows wrinkly old goats.

Not to brag, or show myself off as any great connaisseur of House or anything, but I can't help but laugh when even now, beats that were popular when I was in Ibiza are just starting to get some play over here in the clubs. That was almost a year and a fucking half ago!!

And I wondered why the Guv disappointed me......

Kinda freaked me out once I thought about it

So I found it passing strange this week when (I believe prompted by a certain not surprising divorce this week that I'm not going to dignify by naming) when the Flow morning show was talking about how short most marriages seem to be nowadays. Someone called in to say that either they or their parents (it was still pre-coffee.. gimmie a break on the details) have been married for 30 years. The hosts just about fell all over themselves praising this couple....

Well, maybe it's the fact that I'm not the product of a broken home (although sometimes my behaviour might be more easily explained if I was....), in fact my parents have been married for almost 38 years (quick math will tell you that dates back to the infamous Summer of '69... which may, in fact, explain some of the scarring), and I guess I find this normal. In fact, almost my entire group of friends from high school and a lot of them from university all have parents who are still together. I don't know how this little anomaly came about, but I have found it strikingly peculiar. And only moreso as time passes.

Anyway, all that said, you'll never guess the comment that I got on Tuesday from the Site Supervisor for the GC on my project.... pretty much completely out of the blue, the guy asks if I'm married. I laughed. Actually, pretty hard. Obviously that was a "no"... but it kinda creeped me out once I realized that at my advanced age, that's kind of a valid question.... like, when you think of the number of my contemporaries tying the knot, it's not as unreasonable as I had thought.

And, as usual, I have no idea how I feel about that. Okay, maybe I do a bit. (see title)

Slightly old news, but still...

I hear they want to start showing hockey games at movie theaters.

This is so unbelievably stupid I can hardly put it into words.

Please explain why in this age of HDTV and 5.1 surround sound we'd need to go to a fucking movie theater (where you CAN'T DRINK, btw!!) to watch a hockey game??

If movie theaters are upset that they're losing money, maybe they should complain about the complete and total lack of decent movies that would make people want to go see them.... but maybe that's just me.

New #1

Okay, it's official. I give up. I'm smitten with another person I'll never meet. Like, until I saw her "Born to be..." I did like her a lot, but now that I know she's a cool chick, it's over. This can't be healthy.

But at least she's hot and talented, right?

I think she out did herself

I didn't think that it would be possible to release a more formulaic piece of crap than London Bridge, but I think that in the form of what can only be described as a rebuttal to her previous single, Ms. Ferguson has been able to do just that.

Like, have you heard Fergalicious?!?

Sadly, it has that same "Cos-tan-za" catchiness to it as London Bridge had.. so I can only imagine it will be another huge hit for her, although you could argue that it is already.

More proff, I guess, that while a person can be smart, people are dumb.

Holy Crap

Go see Borat.

Funniest f'ing movie ever.

My sides, face and head all still hurt from laughing.

The move ended like an hour and a half ago.

There are no words. And there never really will be. Maybe I need to invent one:

Borat-tacular!

Last night's line that almost made me fall off the couch:

Summer: So, dad... are you going to take that job in Seattle?
Dr. Neil Roberts: Yeah, I think it came at the right time. Plus I hear it's a hospital known for being quirky. It's called Seattle Grace.

Now... here's the question to you:

Which is worse? That I knew Seattle Grace is the hospital from Grey's Anatomy immediately, or that I know Summer's dad's full name?

Sometimes, there are no right (or wrong) answers.

A sign that perhaps you're not getting as much sleep as you should be

When you go to bed, and the size of the coffee you're going to need in the morning actually puts a smile on your face as you're falling asleep.

Weekend Wrap-Up

Okay, so it has been almost a week since I was in Kingston, but there are some items that need addressing:

1. My cell phone display is cracked almost beyond usefulness. I also have a hockey puck colour and sized bruise on my thigh, around where it is usually located in my pocket. Suddenly a lot is explained.
2. Rhea's = Good Times. Townies are nice people. Very nice. And I forgot how much I love juke boxes!
3. My back is almost back to normal. Maybe it was the three days of sleeping on couches and futons... maybe it was the two and a half hour drive sitting on my wallet, mixed with the 14 hours of sleep (I rarely get more than 6 at any one time), but either way, I'm not moving around like a geriatric anymore. Just in time for the weekend!
4. Word to the wise: If you're going to tackle someone in the park on your way home from the bar, make sure there's a snowbank. Cuz if there's not, you'll likely hurt both them and yourself. Yelling out "JUST GO LIMP!!" to a drunk person just gets them to turn around and take the impact with their head turned... which, while I'm not a doctor, can't possibly help matters.

Not everyone can get away with this

On our way back from dinner last night, I spot the House of Lancaster Gentlemen's Club....

Me: Hey, you wanna stop in for a drink?
Mum: Hahaha... no.
Me: C'mon... I think it's amateur night. Maybe you could make a couple of extra bucks...?
Mum: You have to be kidding.....

Okay, granted, I was.... but I can't believe I said this to my own mother.

Perhaps moreso that I did, and survived to tell the tale.

I kill me

This afternoon, discussing with a contractor over the phone:

Him: Yeah, we should actually be able to get that done today. No need to drag it into tomorrow.
Me: Excellent. That's what I like to hear. I'm gonna get rolling. Don't know if I'll see you anymore today... what time is it, anyway?
Him: It's 2pm.
Me: You're kidding....... I have got to start coming in later...

I think this is why I get along with all the contractors.

At the risk of waxing poetic about The OC

Since we are well into the fall and The OC has just fucking started to air, it has taken me this long to notice that Thursdays are now my official testosterone-cleansing evening of television. It's pretty hard to still think of myself as a man come 10pm on a Thursday. Last week I was this close to going out, drinking my weight in beer and whiskey, and then killing a drifter just to get a rush of testosterone. And an erection... but I digress.....

Anyway, bracing myself for Girly Thursday, I was blindsided last night by a special bonus episode of The OC... and it actually took an interesting turn where, without boring you with the details, Seth actually averted Ryan going to kill a guy in Mexico, while symultaneously ratting out his whereabouts to the Cohens, who needless to say brought him back to the pool house.

Now, the thing is... Seth knew where the guy Ryan wanted to find was, and lied to him, basically setting him up to be taken back to Newport somewhat against his will, even though he knew that Ryan wanted nothing more than to settle this particular score.

Then I thought about it...... I have a number of friends that I consider to be like brothers or sisters to me. Could I make (what is arguably) the right decision, and save them from themselves, or would I actually follow through on my regular assertion that I'd go to the wall for them... in essence ruining both of our lives for the sake of payback?

The short answer is that I have no idea. I think I could see it going either way.

Greatest Invention This Week

Okay, so it probably wasn't invented this week... but still. My life has new meaning. Here's why:

There's not much I like to eat more than stick meat. Um, while that may have come out wrong, the fact remains: Pepperoni sticks are delicious, but aren't exactly good for you.

Now behold.... Turkey and Chicken Pepperoni Sticks.

Probably sounds disgusting, but tastes just like the real thing, and are only 45 calories apiece.

Yum!

This project in a nutshell

The terminal I'm working at is split into North and South by a set of train tracks. They are pretty high traffic, including Via, GO and CN trains on a semi-regular basis.

This doesn't really matter, but the location of my office is in a trailer out in the tank farm of the South terminal, and it kinda makes the following comment funnier as both of us had been over on the North side checking out the progress.

I had just been back to the South side for a few minutes when one of the Operations guys who shares the trailer with me (the same guy that nicknamed me Gumby... which, incidentally, has stuck) comes in, sticks his head in my office.... and says the following:

"So... which clusterfuck did you leave after?"

Clearly, things are going swimmingly.....................

Explanation/Justification

I'm going to sound like a whiny bitch here, but as you'll notice my posting here for the last couple of weeks has been pretty sporadic... at best.

Well, it's not that I haven't been writing anything, or haven't had ideas... I just haven't had a chance to actually post them.

Why?

My computer at home is fuct, and until recently, I've been trying to behave myself on the internet at work. I've clearly stopped concerning myself with that. :)

That said, I'm still not sold on searching for pictures, so you will have to survive with pretty colours for a little while now. You know... at least until Amr gets home from Germany on the weekend and fixes everything for me...

Or I just buy a laptop..........

Normally I enjoy getting fucked...

...but as you are about to find out, this is not one of those times.

I am a bruised and beaten man. And while normally in conjunction with getting fucked, this is pretty righteous as well, I am again leading you astray in my use of the term "fucked".

I just got to do one of those things that always make you feel better, but you still know is pointless. Dude sends me an email giving completely unacceptable news (delivery dates that are basically after the "Drop Dead Date" for the project), and get to reply with a nasty email, followed up with a long phone call where I give him shit, make threats both on behalf of my company and our client, and he back-pedals and gives (sometimes reasonable) excuses.

It accomplished exactly nothing, but at least I got to vent.

And now much like after the good kind of "fucked", I'm kinda tired and could really go for a sandwich.

No More Drama

Sometimes memory is a funny thing. I went to SciFormal this weekend... but something was different. I couldn't figure out how on earth I think I may have actually had more fun this time around than at my own SciFormal...?

Then it came to me. And maybe I have to thank a little convo with Justin yesterday for figuring it out (you know.. the classic "how was your weekend?" breakdown), but it all seems so simple.

There wasn't any drama. Okay, well, that's a lie... but there wasn't any that particularly affected me.

I know that sounds awful at first reading, but you haven't (likely) had to deal with my friends when they're all drinking. For as much as I love them all, it has almost gotten ridiculous at the drama we incite by having more than about three of us in any one place. And drunk... oh how drunk we get. Hmmm... might be onto a root cause here.

Anyway, not having anyone furious about losing their date, who got lost inside a wall (not me!), anyone obviously thinking that SciFormal was going to be their last chance to hook up with someone they'd had a crush on for 4 years (again, not me!), or anyone who was only barely back on speaking terms with their date by dinner, after completely snubbing each other even as recently as the wine and cheese, all while in the midst of a very on-and-off period, to say the least (okay... that one's me).

I guess my point is: You don't always need your best friends to have fun... just some really good ones without any serious baggage. :)

I mean.... um.............

Oh screw it. Like you're not thinking the same things!?!? Do I have to bring up Tremblant? Don't make me bring up Tremblant.

Odd manifestation of something I can only assume is kind of genetic

Here's something that you almost certainly don't know about me, but my dad's family is full of one-time missionaries. I say "one-time" as they're pretty much all dead, seeing as my dad's mum was the youngest of all her siblings, and waited until she was pushing 40 to have him. He's 61. It's not like they died young, but there's no need to be morbid here. I'm just saying. Call it "background", I guess.

Anyway, my great-grandfather was a Baptist minister, and be brought up many of his children in much the same manner he was. That is to say, going to church at least 3 or 4 times a week (often more), and giving of yourself to do God's work. Just about all of my great aunts/uncles and possibly even my grandmother spent time in Africa, and while looking back at that era, one could certainly argue that they were a little presumptuous about who was "right" as far as religion and such goes, I can't help but think that their hearts were in the right place.

Now, my dad was brought up knowing not much more than this. He went through the whole several days a week in church thing, but showing a certain aptitude in his schooling that his father had shown, he ended up taking advantage and going to university (unlike his dad who actually gave up on a university scholarship in England to come to Canada).

So, not having the forum his family had in the past of either the pulpit or missionary work, my dad developed a certain attitude towards helping people in any way he could. Never short on a helping hand, or an open ear, he tried to help his fellow (wo)man in any way he could. Eventually, as times change and people became less receptive, I think he became more jaded and thus reached out less. He will always be there when you need him, but apart from family and close friends, he tends not to offer blind help like he once did. I guess you can say that modern society can only burn you so many times before you refuse to let yourself get burned again.

Now, seeing as my mum is probably one of the most genuinely nice people you can ever meet (it took almost 35 years in the public school board for her to even become slightly jaded... and even then, it was only once she was in the principal's role and didn't get to do what she liked best anymore, which was to actually teach the kids), you'd think that combined with the seeming inherent helpfulness from my dad's side of the family, it would bode well for me. After all, doesn't genetics play a certain role in almost every aspect of us?

Well, it seems that I turned out painfully shy for about the 16 or 18 years of my life. I'm not kidding. If you've met me since university, you probably don't believe me, anyway. But moving on....

This shyness, I think, kind of kept me from opening up to people in a way that I could actually let the missionary side of me care enough to help. However, I think I ended up going too far.

Much like my dad, I tended to save myself for helping family and friends. I hope that anyone close to me knows that there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't do for them.... but then I had my "flying too close to the sun" moment. I'm just glad that I was able to survive, but to suggest that it was (is?) unscathed would just be lying to myself.

I made the foolhardy mistake of falling for someone who, seemingly, was crying out for help. I wanted nothing more in this world than to help her... but it never seemed like anything was enough. The more I helped, the more she needed. I eventually had to turn away from her at, arguably, her darkest hour just to save myself. I never thought I was capable of turning my heart quite that cold, but you never know what you are capable of when you are pushed to the limit.

The only comfort I get is that I know that she's okay now. If she wasn't, I'm not sure I could live with myself. And I have no idea what that actually says about me.

Less nerd, more boozing:

Again, from TMQ:

Wacky Beer of the Week: The tastefully named Gregg Liddick of Athens, Ga., notes a Georgia brewery is offering a coffee-and-stout drink intended to be consumed at breakfast. Note that the beer is 8.1 percent alcohol, roughly double the usual content of beer. Have one of these for breakfast and your plan better be to go straight back to bed.

...I just found a whole new way to stay unproductive!

News from....

More coolness (read: nerdiness) from TMQ:

News from the Edge of the Universe: The Infrared Space Observatory satellite, operational from 1995 to 1998, sent back so much data that some is only now being analyzed. Recently, researchers studying ISO data logs said they had detected, in very deep space, the formation of stars with 100,000 times the luminosity of our sun. The discovery is a serendipitous result of a clever idea by a German researcher named Dietrich Lemke. Operators had programmed the ISO satellite to "slew" its instruments from one point in the heavens to another, in order to collect data on locations that various scientists had deemed promising. Lemke realized that ISO was doing nothing while repointing itself, and asked that the cameras simply be left on during that process; the resulting incomprehensible streams of data were dumped in his and some colleagues' laps. Looking at countless blurry images, Lemke and others had a eureka moment when they came across this. Now it may turn out these ultra luminous suns are ISO's major discovery -- extremely bright stars have been seen before, but these are the first images of such stars forming.

Cosmologists have begun using other telescopes to study the region, trying to imagine what conditions could lead to the formation of objects so big and so bright they defy standard theories of stellar creation. Of course, everyone's assuming the objects Lemke discovered are natural. Readers of TMQ know what when astronomers produce evidence of puzzling events in deep space, such as very powerful gamma-ray bursts, and then astronomers say they are at a loss to explain what natural process could cause the phenomena, TMQ wonders if what we are really seeing is the muzzle flashes of cataclysmic weapons built by advanced civilizations. What if, in these new images from the ISO satellite, we are witnessing the engineering shakedown trials of an extremely advanced artificial power source?

News from the Edge of the Solar System: In September, the Cassini spacecraft in orbit around Saturn took this magnificent photograph of Saturn eclipsing Sol. The camera was facing back toward the inner solar system, so the sun is behind the ringed planet. Look closely at the 10 o'clock position relative to Saturn's disk, and just inside the outermost ring. The little dot you see is -- Earth.

From TMQ:

Wacky Liqueur of the Week: Jason Overby of Charleston, S.C., notes the Sicilian liqueur Cynar is an artichoke-based bitter. The bottle even has a picture of an artichoke on it. "Maybe this is the new way to get your daily serving of vegetables," Overby suggests.

Running Raptors? I think we've seen this before...

Sports pundits (yes, the same ones I regularly rail against in this space) seem to be admitting that perhaps the Raptors, who start their season tonight against that cunt Vince Carter and the Nets, won't totally stink this year. Some folks even have them finishing as high as 9th in the conference, basically saying they could challenge for a playoff spot. A lot of this has to do with the fact they play in an awful division, and so even a marginal improvement could catapult them in the standings, but I might be willing to go so far as to submit that they could do even better than that.

Why?

The dude who took over as GM (Bryan Colangelo) is the same guy that put together the Phoenix Suns, and took them from doormat to powerhouse with the re-addition of a matured Steve Nash, a young stud in the middle (Amaré Stoudemire) and some unselfish spare parts that Nash makes look good with his unselfish style. My belief is that Colangelo is trying to repeat history and has traded for the greased-lightening-fast T.J. Ford to play the role of Nash, while Chris Bosh could ably play the role of Amaré in this version of the run 'n gun offense.

"T.J. Ford is no Steve Nash!" you're probably saying... well, yes and no.... we have no idea how good T.J. might become, as he has been injured for most of his professional career, but the dude was a star at Texas, and led an otherwise unremarkable team to a Final Four appearance (if memory serves). The injury bug has not been kind, but it wasn't kind to Nash early in his career, either. I suspect with someone like CB4 to lean on, T.J. Ford can mature and become an elite point guard in the NBA.

The real wild card here is if any (or all?) or these European imports the Raptors have signed can live up to their billing. In the pre-season, they did pretty well, helping the team go 7-1, so I'm hopeful.

I guess we'll find out tonight.