Why I Hate People

or, a smattering of the crap that goes through my head on a daily basis...

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Probably. But that's just what I do.

What am I making a big deal out of now?

Well, it had been a running last year that the only time I showed up to band practice clean shaven was on Tuesdays or Thursdays (I only rarely shave on the weekend, hence Sundays are clearly unshaven).... but it has been a few weeks now, and the comments about the fact that I'm dressed nicely, and actually looked respectable are getting annoying.

Of course I'm dressed nicer than the old t-shirt and gym shorts I wear to practice on the weekends... I just came from fucking work. And I don't work in a barn.... I have to dress like that. Is it really that big a shock that I can hold down a reasonable job where I have to dress better than when I roll out of bed on a Sunday morning?

Then again, maybe I need to develop a thicker skin.....

Things you need to know

I'm treating this as a bit of a public service announcement.

I ate a 1 lb. bag of carrots over the course of my working day yesterday.

Today, my poo was the colour of this font.

Made me aware that everything's working alright down there, but at the same time... it was just plain weird.


PS: Try a Google Image search for "carrot poo" and you get this guy... coincidence? I doubt it..

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

This is mostly to avoid being cut by someone named after a sweet tasting fuzzy fruit....

I didn't watch a single second of that game.

Honest.

I just checked TSN.ca moments ago to find out the score. Didn't even turn on the TV, just in case it had gone into OT or something.

I guess I have a phobia of girls with knives......

Maybe it's a guy thing?

Just as a warning to Sens fans....

I don't know how to tell you this, but I hadn't been watching Game 1 until the start of the third period... you know when your guys were up 2-1, and looking to take the opener on the road?

Yeah, well... I turned it on, and the Ducks proceeded to score the tying and winning goals in relatively quick order.

I have mostly the same plans for this evening as I had on Monday, involving some piping and potentially some vague semi-strenuous activity, so I'm likely only going to be able to catch the third period again.

I'm not saying I have any effect over the outcome of hockey games, I'm just stupidly superstitious about sports sometimes... and well, I thought you needed to know.

Song of the Summer


I know I might be getting a little ahead of myself here, but with this ball-drippingly hot weather lately, I can't help it.

I think it's safe to say that Chamillionaire's "Ridin' Dirty" (or was it just Ridin'? can I get a ruling? you know I couldn't care less when I can't be bothered to Google something) won last summer, with Paris Hilton's "The Stars Are Blind" coming in as a close second.

This year, we have some good tracks out so far... but still being the end of May, a lot could still change.

I had thought Timbaland blew it by releasing "Give It To Me" so damned early in the spring, but then I found out that he was just whetting our appetite. "The Way I Are" could be offending English teachers and grammar lovers all summer, but he could still out do himself by tossing out "Scream" (feat. Keri Hilson and Nicole Scherzinger of Pussycat Dolls fame) or one of many other hot tracks... safe to say, Timbo will have something to say about this race.

And if not directly, then through JT (who I also thought had made the mistake of dropping his tracks too early), as Justin's "Summer Love" is doing pretty well right now.

Some other tracks deserving serious consideration are Belly's new joint (play along...) featuring those hottie twins Nina Sky called "Don't Be Shy" (a personal fave of mine), T-Pain and Yung Juc's "Buy U A Drank", which aside from stealing the horrific grammar in a song title award from Timbaland, it a shitty song getting massive airplay for reasons I can't understand, and R.Kelly, T-Pain and T.I.'s "I'm A Flirt" (not awful, and somewhat growing on me... also having the adulterous undertones everyone likes to hear in a summer hit - reference: Rihanna, Unfaithful).




All that said, my money's back on the hot Baysian Rihanna, who along with Jay-Z, dropped "Umbrella" recently (a contender in its own right). Aside from the almost painfully catchy hook, you know that she's also got something up her sleeve that we'll likely hear in June or July.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Some comments require no pre-text or explanation...

"Iain says:
look, are you mailing me a sloppy joe or not?"

[copied and pasted directly from MSN]

Monday, May 28, 2007

And now I know how that's going to go...

As an astute reader may recall, the pipe band I'm in is going to Fredericton in July. There's kind of a big deal highland games down that way, and we're going to it. I fully expected that it would be good times....

Now? I know it's going to be an epic trainwreck.

And I can't wait!

How do I know this? Well, a drummer from the Fredericton Grade 1 band named Aaron was up this weekend, ostensibly to check out York, where he is intending to start his Master's this fall.

He was staying with a piper in our band who used to play with Fredericton, but being closer to my age, I was burdened with the job of "showing him a good time" in Toronto.

Fortunately, I also had a partner in crime, as one of the other pipers in the band, Erin, was going to go party downtown with one of her friends, but that fell through at the last minute, leaving us at the pub after practice with nothing but trouble on our minds.

I had a feeling we had a good night on our hands when we had this exchange:

Erin: Hey, uh... Aaron..
Aaron: Yeah?
Erin: I thought you were doing your Master's in Sociology...
Aaron: Yeah, that was the plan.
Erin: Really? Cuz it looks more like you're taking Nursing [points at his full beer]

Aaron proceeds to chug his pint to make a point, and starts ragging on me... "Dude, don't hassle the DD."

So then we pile into my car and get back to my place. We confirm that DC, Amr, et. al. are going to Devil's Martini, and while I confirm with Dave that jeans will be cool (they had better be... we were all in them), he's pretty unsure how sneakers will be taken... meaning, he thinks they'll be pissy, but doesn't want to discourage us from coming along.


I put on sneakers so that Aaron isn't going to be left high and dry, and we get a cab.

Or rather, we get a car that takes us in the general direction of downtown. I swear this was his first day... or at least it had better have been. Asshole gets exact change, and was rightfully thankful for it. Gawd I hate morons.

Anyway, we stroll up... no line! Dave was right! (about the before 10pm thing) And just as we're about to walk in, the bouncer stops me....

Meathead #1: No running shoes. And your buddy, too. Can't have that.
Me: Really? Oh, sorry man... is there anything we can do about it?
Meathead #1: Well, maybe... go see that guy over there [points in the direction of the guy heretofore known as Meathead #2]

Now? I'm getting excited... I know exactly what we're doing, but Aaron's getting pissed off, as I think he's getting the impression that this is some snooty place (it is) that he won't feel comfortable in (he probably won't), but I'm excited, and there's no stopping me now...

Me: Hey...
Meathead #2: Hey, uh... can't let you in with those sneakers.
Me: Yeah, that's what your buddy said, but he suggested there might be something we can do about it?
Meathead #2: There's always something we can do about it.
Me: Excellent.
Meathead #2: I guess we'd have to just look the other way...
Me: Okay, well... how far will you have to look?
Meathead #2: Well, there's two of you.
Me: Right...
Meathead #2: So $20 per shoe?
Me: Excuse me?
Meathead #2: $20 each?
Me: Done.
Meathead #2: Okay, now be discreet about it, and we're good.

So I go back to Aaron and Erin (needless to say I was calling them Boy and Girl at this point...) with a big grin on my face... get the cash outta my wallet and go back to shake Meathead #2's hand.

Meathead #2: Alright, have a good night.
Me: Thanks, we'll try to behave ourslves [a lie].
Meathead #1: No hats, either.
Aaron: Fuck this.....
Me: C'mon, man... dont' worry about it.

So he takes off his hat, and we go in.

Nobody I know is there yet (assholes!!) so we head to the bar...

Me: Shots?
Aaron: Jager!
Erin: Anything but Jager.....
Me: Okay, what, then?
Erin: ...
Me: So Jager.
Erin: {sigh}

Worth noting that she took her shot like a champ. The next round we did Polar Bears at her request... we're not total assholes.......

So we finally meet up with Amr, his gf and her friend. Woo?

Anyway, we're at a table, and Aaron spies an empty martini glass. He grabs it, and pretends to throw it behind him (there's some weird staff access passage, or something).

Me: I'll give you a dollar if you actually do it.
Aaron: Really?
Me: [shows him a loonie]
Aaron: [throws glass behind him, making a satisfying smash]
Me: Sweet! [gives him the loonie]

Then, just as Aaron comes back from the can one time, he tells me to keep my eye out for a guy in a big white and blue checked shirt. Apparently they had a disagreement in the john, and he's worried the guy'll be after him.

Remind me about this next time I try to take a Coaster somewhere nice. Seriously.

It's around this point that Amr and DC have been texting, and Dave's in line, not able to get in. He's late because he spilled a bottle of red wine at his gf Marisa's place. We decide to go meet them and hit up a pub around the corner....

A few pitchers and a mound of wings later (we realised that none of us had dinner), it's coming up on last call... Marisa is nice enough to order two fresh pitchers.

Excellent.

We manage to force it all down, but not without consequence..... by the time we get back to my place, I'm the only one still awake enough to pay the cabbie, but I'm not certain who's money I used. I think it was Erin's, but I'm not certain.

***

Sunday morning, I wake up feeling surprisingly good... but knowing that won't last, I gobble down a mitful of Advil. As does Aaron. Then we heat up the cinnimon buns Erin brought, and I decide to wake her up by taking them to her.

For whatever reason, she declines the Advil, and we make for Timmy's on our way to practice... did I mention we had a two-dayer this weekend? Yeah. Well, about an hour in, our valiant non-Advil taking friend bolts from the circle.

Needless to say, we all hit up the pub, and after a coupla caesars, Erin's feeling right as rain again. After the first pint ("Ugh, tastes like yesterday") I'm alright, and Aaron (who didn't technically participate in practice) is right back in with both feet.

Also, there's this:

Erin [yelling down the bar]: Hey, Aaron... did you hit that guy in the bathroom at Devil's Martini?
Aaron: Oh, him? Yeah. Why?
Me: We honestly thought you were kidding about that.
Aaron: Naw, he made some comment about being from the East Coast, so I dropped him.
Erin/Me: [speechless]

Yup, and two short months from now, we get to visit him! Yay!!

Friday, May 25, 2007

If WhatIfSports.com says it's true.....

I guess we need to start planning a parade in the Nation's Capital!

Just go here, and I'll make sense.

It might not be the worst idea ever...

...but it's clearly not the best.

What is that, you might ask?

The thought process of, "Hm, just one more bottle, and my case is full. I guess I'll have just one more beer."

In other news, I'm like a goddamn kid in a candy store over this... you know, as long as it's better than the 1987 version (which I just found out included a certain Friend!)

Anyway, this is by far the best movie news I've heard since Pirates 3 opened tonight, and that Transformers is coming in July!! I can't believe it's so freakin' soon!!!

As a side note, if you haven't searched He-Man on YouTube before.. do it now!

And even if you have, I still want to link these... if they don't take you back to a simpler time, I don't know what will:





No, seriously... I feel all warm and fuzzy inside right now. This is great. :)

Fuck Me....

Rough week.

This sucks.

Knew him through Scouts when I was a kid.....

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Don't complain when I link to hot girls

I guess AC Milan got something back this year after their monumental meltdown two years ago in the second half of the Champions League final against my EPL boys from Liverpool.

Who gets the last laugh, tho? I say Liverpool. Why? Because regardless of all that, this guy:


...is dating this girl.

Game, set, match.... Mr. Robot himself.

I declare today: Summer Beer Day!

This may or may not be an indication that I've been talking to Jon a lot lately.

This may or may not be an indication of how I spent my lunch today.

But regardless, today is one of those Summer Beer days....

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A short list...

...of things that would normally find me waxing poetic, but instead find me sitting here contemplating that perhaps I shouldn't be making such cavalier jokes about my own mortality.

I called American Idol over two months ago.

A Few Good Men is currently proving that it passes my "I have to watch this movie to completion, no matter how late it is, or how early in the movie it is" test.

There are still people firing off fireworks outside, and I'm still ducking thinking it's gunfire. Being raised in the city isn't all public transportation and 24 hour convenience stores....

Finally, I have most of a post written about the fabulous weekend I had in Windsor, but I'm not in the mood to finish it in the mood it deserves. Do check out Facebook, if you wish, to see photographic evidence of the fun.

I hate these kinds of things

I have some sad news.

If you are/were in Queen's Bands, or attend(ed) Queen's, please go
here.

I hope you aren't finding out about this this way, but I can't imagine letting something like this pass by without noting it in some way.

Only, I don't know what to say.

I'm not going to pretend that we were the best of friends, or anything, but to put it in 21st Century terms, I had her on Facebook, read her blog, and while I had her on ICQ/MSN, we were never really close enough to keep in touch once we weren't attending the same school anymore.

That said, from a medium distance, she is the type of person that this world needs more of, not less. As I said to Titus a few moments ago, "she was always one of those "full of life" types..... the ones that you get inspired to do something with your life by...."

I'm not really sure what, exactly, that means.... but somehow it sums up how I'm feeling at this moment.

This is making people in the office wonder why I'm laughing.... again.....


I think it's the slight smile on the styrofoam head that gets me...

Not just a crappy Americanized hockey movie anymore!


Yes, they're back... the Anahiem Ducks (née Mighty Ducks) are now off to their SECOND Stanley Cup final this decade.

And while that little fact might scare the shit out of most Canadian hockey fans, the fact that they're meeting comfortably the youngest Canadian franchise is likely ruffling a few feathers (har-har), too.

Having my parents up in the Ottawa Valley has opened my eyes. My dad, a lifelong Leaf hater, and likely the second biggest reason I'm a Habs fan (#1 is Patrick Roy) moved there fully expecting to cheer his heart out for the Sens in the battle of Ontario - something we had both been doing anyway, tho admittedly slightly muted, for fear of getting our tires slashed in Toronto.

Then he met other Senator fans.... and he just couldn't align himself with these mouth-breathing morons.

The vibe he was getting was that really, it had nothing to do with hockey. People from Ottawa just hate Toronto and everything it stands for. Hockey is just a politically correct (and very Canadian) way to voice this blinding hatred.

Now, like any stereotype, this doesn't apply to all Sens fans. No more than my blue Kool-Aid drinking characterization of Leaf fans ("No, really... THIS will be our year!") applies to all Leaf fans...... but it is based firmly enough in truth that is does apply to many.

And this, dear friends, is why I'm cheering for the Ducks.

You know, that and they have several of my favourite players (Selanne, Pronger, Niedermayer - the good one - and homie to my homies Greg and Nate, Andy McDonald... not to mention the guy that gives Stuart Scott a reason to "get jiggy" for hockey, J-S Giguerre). But, yes, mostly to cheer against Ottawa.

The only thing worse, in my mind, than Sens fans after a Cup win might be Leaf fans after a Cup win (think how unbearable anyone from Boston has been in the last 3 years!)... but I'd rather not deal with either one, thank you very much....

Because I'm Really This Dense

I have been making jokes about dying when I'm 27 (a.k.a. the Rock Star age a.k.a. 27 Club) for a long time. Well, first they were 25, but then 27 seems more logical, what with the precedent and my propensity to "party like a rock star".

Anyway, to explain the title, it just kinda sunk in that I'm 27. Now, I have only been the age for 8 days, but somehow I feel the next 358 (2008 is a Leap Year) might being my demise.

Or I'll live to 100. I don't do things in half measures....

Those are the stakes, and I'm okay with them.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Today's contribution to society....

....or, how I blew the last 10 minutes at work today.

Remember Duckman?

Yeah, well... someone has too much time on their hands.

At Creighton, of all places......

Monday, May 21, 2007

Sometimes it's just easy to figure these things out...

So I was out for dinner tonight with one of my oldest friends... actually, check that. He is comfortably the oldest friend I still actively see. Like, there are others that I'll see at the bars, and hang out with, talk to, whatever.... but for people I actually plan to see, it's not even close. And by not even close, I mean we've known each other for 10 years longer than anyone else I know.

Sometimes you wonder how friendships last that long. Other times you don't. Tonight, I had one of those times you don't.

While he was talking about some details of the unquestionably tense racial relations in Bahrain (where he has been working for the last two years), he tosses out this gem...

"Yeah, they really don't like Jews. In fact, they don't even have bagels there."

You can't make this shit up.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I think I know how to market Toronto FC:



This is all I could come up with today (and I even just ripped it off from With Leather). I am a comfortable 25+ IQ points dumber than usual right now.

In not unrelated news, a big thanks to all those who braved the apocalyptic rains yesterday... your attendance was very appreciated by lil' ol' me. :)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Just another day on the calendar

So here I stand before you.... okay, I'm sitting, and the odds of me actually being near you as you read this are rather slim, but whatever... let's just move on, shall we?

It's officially the day that I'm supposed to feel all warm and special.

Well, you know what? I don't care.

This might strike you as odd, but I'm not one for the spotlight. I don't crave attention. I tend to seek it, yes, but on my own terms.

Whatever.

I actually took the time recently to look up May 15th on IMDb.com, and you know what? I actually learned something... I had been previously under the impression that former World Series MVP Josh Beckett shared my exact birth date, and that perennial All-Pro, and all-around bad ass linebacker Ray Lewis (1975) were the only people of note born on that day (had I been a believer in signs, I'd say this was my sign that I should have been famous!!), and I find out that defending American League MVP, and New Westinster, BC native Justin Morneau was born one year to the day after me.

No, seriously... check the list. If you can spot anyone cooler, do let me know..... this is a weak day.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Weekend Snippet 5: Piping Snob

So after all the other excitement, I headed over to Hamilton Saturday night for a kind-of-a-big-deal invitational contest.

As with many of these contests, I always feel myself looking back and overanalysing things.

See, the thing with many of these contests is that there are usually the same faces year in and year out. I've been dealing with seeing some of my contemporaries competing, and now placing, at these events, but the one that keeps getting me is when I see the kids that I remember first starting out.... and now they're placing at major events.

To be fair, the contest was won by one of the few "old guard" players there (he has played well enough to win, imho, several times before, but just fell victim to some dubious judging decisions in the past), but it was the first time that I really felt some of the younger players performed as if they belonged.

And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm not such a big asshole that I can't acknowledge quality performances just because they're given by pipers' whose age makes me feel like I've let that aspect of my career pass me by.....

Just means I'll have to work my ass off if I want to get back to that level again. Only time will tell.

Weekend Snippet 4: I get smitten; make questionable decisions

Okay, so decisions, plural, might be a bit much... it was really just one decision, but there were several hundred reason for its questionable nature.

And one reason why it was perfect.

So I'm shopping for a jacket on Saturday, and not having much luck. I was looking for something sort of summery, light gray, and decided that I should check somewhere like Harry Rosen to make sure that such things are "trendy" enough to actually be available. I find exactly what I'm looking for, and content with the knowledge that I should be able to find something similar for a small fraction of the price, I start to leave.... but I linger. I look around, because, really... I love the clothes they have at Harry Rosen. I see some nice stuff....... I deduce that it's currently trendy for your professionals to dress like Florida retirees, but whatever.

I've been in the store for a solid 15 minutes at this point, and have not been approached, probably because I'm wearing my typical "shopping" atire of dirty jeans and an old t-shirt.

Then I hear a voice, "Excuse me, have you been looked after?"

I turn... "Oh my God, I love you!"

Thankfully, my internal monologue stayed internal, and I managed to stammer out, "Actually, I was looking for a sports coat...." to one of the loveliest specimens of the female of the species I have ever laid eyes on.

Anyway, long story short, she got me to try it on, and I was sold. It's like test driving a car that's in a higher price range than you were planning on buying. There's just no going back. It probably didn't hurt that we actually got talking, and she seems like a lovely girl, too.

So, I have her card now, and I'm pretty sure that this will result in me buying a lot of significantly more expensive clothing than usual for the next little while. Or perhaps long while....

Weekend Snippet 3: Bad grammar, but good music

I was out shopping on Saturday, and among many other things, I picked up the new Timbaland CD.

I just have to say that the dude does it better than anyone else out there right now. Especially his new single "The Way I Are"... I heard it on the radio, and I liked it before I even knew who it was!

Anyway, the album is stacked with great tracks, and cameos from just about anyone who's anyone in hip hop.... let's just say it's not often you hear Dr. Dre on an album that he hasn't produced himself. I think that's a pretty clear indication of respect from one of the few people who can hold a candle to him.

There was a time when it was Dre, Pharrell, Timbo... and everyone else (Jazzy Fay can kiss my ass... his simplistic beats only old b/c Ciara's hot). Now? Honestly?

Dre is more concentrated on harder stuff.... but even Em, 50 and Game are producing their own stuff now. Maybe Detox is coming out sooner than we think, and he's got no time for side projects, but it's seeming that while he has obviously influenced everyone I mentioned, they've branched out on their own.

Pharrell might just be on hiatus, and really, he had some great stuff going for Snoop, and JT, too... but when Justin wanted to take the next step, he went for Timbaland. The guy just has the catchiest, and most intricate beats out there. After listening to his album, everything else almost sounds juvenile, really.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not going to be changing CDs all the way down to Windsor next weekend.

Weekend Snippet 2: Responsibility manifests itself in an odd way

So I got home Friday night around 3 after making the responsible (read: lazy) decision of just getting the cab to take me home, rather than to the subway station where I had parked my car.

As I flip open my laptop to see who (if anyone) was still up, I get a message from Jon. We proceed to shoot the shit for a couple of hours, as we are prone to do at odd hours after drinking, and the next thing I know, it's about 5am.

Jon notes that the sun's starting to come up. I say I'm going to bed. He says he can't, cuz the cows need to be fed at 6, and they get pissy when you're not on time, so he has to stay up.

Being the good friend that I am, I say, "Good luck with that!" and go to bed.....

Weekend Snippet 1: The Dichotomy

Okay, I'm actually kinda busy today at work... but I have much to post about from the weekend, so I'm doing it in stages.

First off, Friday night was a very cool night with two of my friends who live great distances coming to town. Unfortunately, while they share first names (Andrew), they don't have ANY mutual friends besides myself, and so I had to divvy up my time.

Having crossed more time zones (5) coming from London, and having seen him less recently, Oakden won for dinner. He's also moving to Tokyo in 6 weeks, and for the duration of those next 6 weeks will all be back in London, so I'm unlikely to see him again soon.

Anyway, this also meant an evening out with my high school friends, who are, on balance, a little more civilized than some of my other groups of friends. I was late, and actually missed dinner (stupid work), but we then went up Yonge St. to Yorkville, stopping for a drink along the way, and more drinks at the Bedford Academy.

By around midnight or so, I figured I should slide over to see Titus, who was also doing a One Night Only performance in Toronto. In the span of an hour and a half, I had more than doubled my total alcohol consumption for the entire evening, and we ended up getting the hairy eyeball from the staff for not politely leaving as soon as they'd like.

Anyway, my point was to illustrate an interesting difference in "oh, cool, guess who's in town!" reactions...

1. Go out for a nice dinner, catch up.
2. Get shitfaced, catch up.

But you know what? I have exactly no issue with either situation. In fact, I enjoy that I can choose between two such arrangements depending on mood.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Read More Carefully You Alarm Bell Ringing Asswipes!!

Okay, so after reading this and this (towards the bottom) I just about shit.

Then I read the comments on that first link, and decided to (heaven forbid) actually read the real article for myself. Okay, well I skimmed it, and you can too if you so desire... but the real results are that certain activities just raise your likelihood of getting HPV, which has a strong association certain types of cancer. Something we (or at least I) already knew.

That said, the idea of uttering "Whoa baby, that report was roundly rejected by a blue-ribbon, double-blind, uh twelve-year study at the University of Medicine Tech State. Yeah, it was, uh, even on Oprah." did strike me as a funny kind of awkward....

And the caveat of, "Oral sex doesn't (as far we as we know) cause liver failure or lung cancer." Did make me just about bleed from the eyes while trying to hold in my laughter.

EDIT: Always one to give both sides of the story, please see here for a rebuttal.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

You might be a piper if...

You have a whole closet, or even room, in your home dedicated to uniforms and various other pipe band crap.

You have a little unlabelled jar in your fridge you feel compelled to tell your drunk friends not to attempt to eat. This goes double if you lived in residence.

You have been known to travel with one or both of shoe polish and/or silvo... but don't live on a reservation.

You hear about bus trips, and your first though it how many beers you can consume during that time.

Your second though it to bring twice as much as you expect to be able to consume, you know... just in case.

You still arrive with an empty cooler.

Upon arrival anywhere, you immediately find the closest bar, beer store and LCBO.

You know people who you consider friends, but never see outside of a few weeks in the summer, and couldn't get in touch with them even if you tried outside of those few weeks.

Anytime there is an maintenance to be performed on your instrument, it takes on the level of attention typically reserved for a triple or even quadruple by-pass. Except it takes place in your living room.

You have a box or tin filled with some of the most random shit, like 6" long pieces of hockey stick, waxed string, black wax, bee's wax, and depending on how old school you are, a big stick of sealing wax which basically resembles a big candle, but with no wick, various spools of different coloured hemp (that's string, for the record), plumber's tape, at least one exacto knife (usually more) and at least one bag of kitty litter (depending on how non-old school you are).

You have the vaguest idea what even half of the above described shit might be for.

You get a t-shirt and glen tan in May, and just ride it out for the summer, cuz there's nothing you can do about it.

You still have a t-shirt and glen tan in December.

You have an oddly encyclopedic knowledge of small town Ontario (or wherever).

When you consider places to move, you actually spend a few minutes considering what band you could play with (I wish I was kidding).

Every steering wheel and beer bottle become your temporary practice chanter.

You've had a significant other ask you to stop practicing on one of their body parts. More than once.

When there's more than one of you walking anywhere, you almost immediately fall into step.

You've ever seriously contemplated how much amateur carpentry it would take to change a bagpipe into a hookah.

You never really would, as your pipes are like a child to you.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Sunny Weekend = Love/Hate

A short list of things that make life less enjoyable when one has a sunburn:

Showering
Shaving
Sleeping

The most amazing one is how much the place that I used to get a watch tan hurt this morning in the shower. And in case you hadn't thought about it, you tend to bend your wrist a lot while washing your hair, and when the water is making that area you're bending hurt more, it just become a very unenjoyable experience all-around.

And I know I don't need to spell out how much shaving with a facial sunburn might hurt, but wow... I can't possibly fathom how much shaving your legs would hurt if you got a sunburn. Another notch on the belt of "being a guy". :)

Oh, and even after one of the guys saying at the pub on Saturday that "it's getting to that time of year that you need to throw the sunscreen into the pipe case" after playing outside again, exactly nobody remembered on Sunday morning when we had the Ontario Police Memorial, and thus there are a smattering of people with glen tans around Ontario this morning...... myself included.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Just another reason I'm cheering for Floyd!

Why you have to love boxing, the only sport where this can happen:
Rapper 50 Cent will lead Floyd Mayweather Jr. and his entourage into the MGM Grand Garden arena on Saturday night. He'll perform his new song, "Straight to the Bank," as he walks to the ring, his debut of the track in front of an audience.

Friday, May 04, 2007

This is just great

I can't think of any other way to more clearly depict the difference between men (I'm admittedly using the term loosely here) and women.

Men will think the following two clips are fantastic.

Women will think they are just stupid.





Mars and Venus? Eat your heart out...

PS: Links c/o Bill Simmons.

PPS: If you're curious, no he's not dead: Matt from Naperville, Ill.: "My friend Josh convinced me to send you these videos I made from school with my two roommates. The first one became a bit of an underground sensation, which led us to make the second a few months later. However, one of my roommates said he was too busy with finals to take part in the video. Needless to say, I had to take matters into my own hands and get him into the video, one way or another. The best part is, people keep asking us if he's dead, and if he's really 35. The age thing is a bit of an inside joke, but basically I just give him a bunch of crap for being 27, when he could probably pass for 20. Anyways, I hope you enjoy."

I can't believe I forgot this!

I guess what follows is basically one big Post Script to the story below, but since I'm an idiot, I'm putting in a separate post. I've also been borderline derelict this week (real life cutting into my blogging! heaven forbid!!), so I want an excuse to make another post.

Anyway, back to the story.....

So as we're heading back to Naing's car after the game, we notice that having not made the swiftest of exits from the ACC, the parking lots are all jammed with people excitedly trying to get home, or wherever. We all hate gridlock.

The solution? Find a bar.

The problem? Where?!?

Anand suggests the Westin Harbour Castle, which is probably the closest bar, anyway, so we head over there. That and their drinks will probably feel cheap compared to the ACC, anyway!

Being only slightly underdressed, we plop down at the bar, not standing out at all.

After a little while, DC gives me a stage whisper like only DC knows how (it's probably louder than most people's actual speaking voice), asking if that guy over by the window is Luke Jackson? First, I had no idea what he was talking about... mostly because there was a giant pilar in my line of sight, but fortunately the subject of Dave's excitement got up, and came over to the bar, again sitting directly behind the pilar from me. However, during his saunter, he ventured into my line of sight. I think they might be on to something. Unfortunately, Naing doesn't know what Luke Jackson looks like, other than confirming that this guy is, in fact, tall... and Anand is beside me, completely blocked by the pilar.

Being the 14 year old girls we are, we play the "take a wide turn while going to the bathroom" card to get a better look.....

And?

It's totally him.

Dave and I, under about the only acceptable terms to speak to another man in the bathroom, agree that it's him, and that we have to go talk to him. We decide that asking about the game (he was involved in a really hard foul near the end of the first half) that night is the easiest way to casually confirm that it's him. When we get back to the bar, we tell Naing and Anand our plan, and then Dave gets up without saying a word, and heads over to talk to him.

A few details, as this is getting long:

  • He lives at the Westin right now.
  • He likes Toronto.
  • The Raps have re-signed him for next year.
  • He won't likely live in a hotel next year.
  • Seemed like a good dude, but who knows in 5 minutes?
  • Really tall. Even sitting.
  • Surprisingly skinny for a professional athlete.

And that was my brush with borderline fame this week......

Feeling the Vibe

So as some of you may have heard (or for the lucky people on Facebook, seen pictures as proof), I had the joy of attending Game 5 if the Raptors-Nets series on Tuesday night. That was the first "Big Four" (NFL, NHL, MLB, NBA) playoff game that I've had the luck to attend.... and let me tell you, it was an event.


Wince Carter... the turd.

I've been to big games before in the regular season (Jays-Yanks, Jays-BoSox, Leafs-Red Wings, Raptors-Suns, Bills-Dolphins), but nothing matches the playoffs.


Crowd losing it after a Nets turnover

I really thought, as I'm sure many others did, that we willed them to win, and while I don't usually tend to take a journalist at face value, Bill Simmons had an article this week where he tells me in no uncertain terms that, no... we didn't really affect anyting. We just did what we were suppsoed to do. Having grown up with the Celtics in the Boston Garden (the new Fleet Center isn't the same, apparently), I'm inclided to believe him. And he also managed to call that the Warriors were going to kill the Mavs last night (for what what is supposedly one of the biggest upsets in NBA playoff history), which I think lends some weight to his point.

I'd encourage you to read the whole thing for a more detailed explanation, but this excerpt gives a great analogy, while completely marginalizing an entire gender rather amusingly:

After I wrote last week that two special NBA crowds remain -- Madison Square Garden and Oakland's Oracle Arena -- the predictable slew of e-mails arrived from Sacramento, Chicago, Toronto [emphasis mine] and many other cities, all of them asking, "What about us?" I don't blame them for being deluded because they don't know any better.

There's no way to understand it unless it definitely has happened to you. Then you know. As strange as this sounds, it's like a woman being unable to tell whether she's ever had an orgasm. If she thinks it might have happened, or it felt like it kind of happened one time ... it didn't happen. When it happens, they know. Then they feel stupid for all the other times when they thought it had happened.
And on that note, here's hoping the Raps don't get blown outta the water tonight in Jersey... but let's be honset. I think we saw their last home game of the year on Tuesday.

Golden Boy no more....

So everyone seems to be all excited about Oscar De La Hoya vs. Floyd Mayweather this weekend at the MGM.

And granted, yes.. this is the biggest "deal" in boxing in a long time, but seriously... Floyd's going to mop the floor with him (De La Hoya has lost to slower, crappier versions of Mayweather already). And it's not often that a dude named "Floyd" is the baddest motherfucker on the planet, but these are the crazy times in which we live. When there's almost nobody watchable in the heavyweight ranks, and when the biggest name in boxing (De La Hoya) is basically washed up, you have a problem.

I'm not here to pretend I know how to fix boxing, but someone needs to start promoting Mayweather better... the problem is, he's a surley asshole, but really... can't you market him as Mike Tyson without the lisp?

Regardless, I want to see this fight, if for no other reason than to see the Golden Boy get his ass handed to him. Fucker.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

The Real Roots of Darfur

The violence in Darfur is usually attributed to ethnic hatred. But global warming may be primarily to blame.
by Stephan Faris
.....
[from The Atlantic]

To truly understand the crisis in Darfur—and it has been profoundly misunderstood—you need to look back to the mid-1980s, before the violence between African and Arab began to simmer. Alex de Waal, now a program director at the Social Science Research Council, was there at that time, as a doctoral candidate doing anthropological fieldwork. Earlier this year, he told me a story that, he says, keeps coming back to him.

De Waal was traveling through the dry scrub of Darfur, studying indigenous reactions to the drought that gripped the region. In a herders’ camp near the desert’s border, he met with a bedridden and nearly blind Arab sheikh named Hilal Abdalla, who said he was noticing things he had never seen before: Sand blew into fertile land, and the rare rain washed away alluvial soil. Farmers who had once hosted his tribe and his camels were now blocking their migration; the land could no longer support both herder and farmer. Many tribesmen had lost their stock and scratched at millet farming on marginal plots.

The God-given order was broken, the sheikh said, and he feared the future. “The way the world was set up since time immemorial was being disturbed,” recalled de Waal. “And it was bewildering, depressing. And the consequences were terrible.”

In 2003, another scourge, now infamous, swept across Darfur. Janjaweed fighters in military uniforms, mounted on camels and horses, laid waste to the region. In a campaign of ethnic cleansing targeting Darfur’s blacks, the armed militiamen raped women, burned houses, and tortured and killed men of fighting age. Through whole swaths of the region, they left only smoke curling into the sky.

At their head was a 6-foot-4 Arab with an athletic build and a commanding presence. In a conflict the United States would later call genocide, he topped the State Department’s list of suspected war criminals. De Waal recognized him: His name was Musa Hilal, and he was the sheikh’s son.

The fighting in Darfur is usually described as racially motivated, pitting mounted Arabs against black rebels and civilians. But the fault lines have their origins in another distinction, between settled farmers and nomadic herders fighting over failing lands. The aggression of the warlord Musa Hilal can be traced to the fears of his father, and to how climate change shattered a way of life.

Until the rains began to fail, the sheikh’s people lived amicably with the settled farmers. The nomads were welcome passers-through, grazing their camels on the rocky hillsides that separated the fertile plots. The farmers would share their wells, and the herders would feed their stock on the leavings from the harvest. But with the drought, the farmers began to fence off their land—even fallow land—for fear it would be ruined by passing herds. A few tribes drifted elsewhere or took up farming, but the Arab herders stuck to their fraying livelihoods—nomadic herding was central to their cultural identity. (The distinction between “Arab” and “African” in Darfur is defined more by lifestyle than any physical difference: Arabs are generally herders, Africans typically farmers. The two groups are not racially distinct.)

The name Darfur means “Land of the Fur” (the largest single tribe of farmers in Darfur), but the vast region holds the tribal lands—the dars—of many tribes. In the late 1980s, landless and increasingly desperate Arabs began banding together to wrest their own dar from the black farmers. In 1987, they published a manifesto of racial superiority, and clashes broke out between Arabs and Fur. About 3,000 people, mostly Fur, were killed, and hundreds of villages and nomadic camps were burned before a peace agreement was signed in 1989. More fighting in the 1990s entrenched the divisions between Arabs and non-Arabs, pitting the Arab pastoralists against the Fur, Zaghawa, and Massaleit farmers. In these disputes, Sudan’s central government, seated in Khartoum, often supported the Arabs politically and sometimes provided arms.

In 2003, a rebellion began in Darfur—a reaction against Khartoum’s neglect and political marginalization of the region. And while the rebels initially sought a pan-ethnic front, the schism between those who opposed the government and those who supported it broke largely on ethnic lines. Even so, the conflict was rooted more in land envy than in ethnic hatred. “Interestingly, most of the Arab tribes who have their own land rights did not join the government’s fight,” says David Mozersky, the International Crisis Group’s project director for the Horn of Africa.

Why did Darfur’s lands fail? For much of the 1980s and ’90s, environmental degradation in Darfur and other parts of the Sahel (the semi-arid region just south of the Sahara) was blamed on the inhabitants. Dramatic declines in rainfall were attributed to mistreatment of the region’s vegetation. Imprudent land use, it was argued, exposed more rock and sand, which absorb less sunlight than plants, instead reflecting it back toward space. This cooled the air near the surface, drawing clouds downward and reducing the chance of rain. “Africans were said to be doing it to themselves,” says Isaac Held, a senior scientist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

But by the time of the Darfur conflict four years ago, scientists had identified another cause. Climate scientists fed historical sea-surface temperatures into a variety of computer models of atmospheric change. Given the particular pattern of ocean-temperature changes worldwide, the models strongly predicted a disruption in African monsoons. “This was not caused by people cutting trees or overgrazing,” says Columbia University’s Alessandra Giannini, who led one of the analyses. The roots of the drying of Darfur, she and her colleagues had found, lay in changes to the global climate.

The extent to which those changes can be blamed on human activities remains an open question. Most scientists agree that greenhouse gases have warmed the tropical and southern oceans. But just how much artificial warming—as opposed to natural drifts in oceanic temperatures—contributed to the drought that struck Darfur is as debatable as the relationship between global warming and the destruction of New Orleans. “Nobody can say that Hurricane Katrina was definitely caused by climate change,” says Peter Schwartz, the co-author of a 2003 Pentagon report on climate change and national security. “But we can say that climate change means more Katrinas. For any single storm, as with any single drought, it’s difficult to say. But we can say we’ll get more big storms and more severe droughts.”

With countries across the region and around the world suffering similar pressures, some see Darfur as a canary in the coal mine, a foretaste of climate-driven political chaos. Environmental degradation “creates very dry tinder,” says de Waal. “So if anyone wants to put a match to it, they can light it up.” Combustion might be particularly likely in areas where the political or social geography is already fragile. “Climate change is likely to cause tension all over the world,” says Idean Salehyan, a political scientist at the University of North Texas. Whether or not it sparks conflict, he says, depends on the strength, goodwill, and competence of local and national governments. (For more on the economic, political, and military tensions that global warming might create, see “Global Warming: What’s in It for You?” by Gregg Easterbrook, on page 52.)

In Darfur itself, recognizing climate change as a player in the conflict means seeking a solution beyond a political treaty between the rebels and the government. “One can see a way of de-escalating the war,” says de Waal. “But unless you get at the underlying roots, it’ll just spring back.” One goal of the internationally sponsored peace process is the eventual return of locals to their land. But what if there’s no longer enough decent land to go around?

To create a new status quo, one with the moral authority of the God-given order mourned by Musa Hilal’s father, local leaders would have to put aside old agreements and carve out new ones. Lifestyles and agricultural practices would likely need to change to accommodate many tribes on more fragile land. Widespread investment and education would be necessary.

But with Khartoum uncooperative, creating the conditions conducive to these sorts of solutions would probably require not only forceful foreign intervention but also a long-term stay. Environmental degradation means the local authorities have little or no surplus to use for tribal buy-offs, land deals, or coalition building. And fighting makes it nearly impossible to rethink land ownership or management. “The first thing you’ve got to do is stop the carnage and allow moderates to come to the fore,” says Thomas Homer-Dixon, a political scientist at the University of Toronto. Yet even once that happens, he admits, “these processes can take decades.”

Among the implications arising from the ecological origin of the Darfur crisis, the most significant may be moral. If the region’s collapse was in some part caused by the emissions from our factories, power plants, and automobiles, we bear some responsibility for the dying. “This changes us from the position of Good Samaritans—disinterested, uninvolved people who may feel a moral obligation—to a position where we, unconsciously and without malice, created the conditions that led to this crisis,” says Michael Byers, a political scientist at the University of British Columbia. “We cannot stand by and look at it as a situation of discretionary involvement. We are already involved.”

Two weeks late, but no less valid...

Sure, a lot of these thoughts have been percolating for the last coupla weeks, but that doesn't mean they're any less pertinent.

The funny thing about history is that you can't change it. You can think about it, you can try and hide from it, you can recover from it, you can fix the fallout from it, but once something is done in this world, it's done, and there's nothing you can really do about it.

The important thing is how you move on.

The way my brain works, I never truly move on. I stil remember slights from grade school. They still sting. There are sometimes events from damned near 20 years ago, but they still sting. Sometimes they're emotional scars from not all that long ago. Sometimes they're emotional scars you know you've inflicted on others. They all still sting. But you learn to deal with it from day to day, or you'd never be able to get out of bed.

That's not to say that my life, or anyone's certainly, has been nothing but a series of hardships. Far from it! But I've always been the type to look back. Re-live moments from the past, and really, while the joys I've experience remain as real as the day I first experienced them, and can be felt just as strongly as any sad moments, I've always felt that I knew what I was doing, and so there's nothing to be gained from going over and over what you've done right. Which leaves me with the things that have gone wrong, and my sometimes misguided attempts to make things right, or at least to learn from my own mistakes.

But I know that's just me. I know that many people try to hide from their past. I don't see the point. It will always come back to haunt you in one form or another, and if you choose not to deal with it in a constructive way, when it does, you'll be so completely caught off guard that it will floor you.

Maybe it's because I was raised to dela with things. Sweeping things that are hard to deal with under the rug was a near capital offence growing up. You deal with things. That's just how it works. Sometimes that leads me to wearing out my welcome with certain people talking their ears off about certain subjects.... but that probably presents as seemless a seguay as I'm going to get.......

I don't have any secrets that I can think of. I just don't. That's not to say that any one person has all the dirt on me, but there are certainly a select few that know more than most. And that means that no matter what I need to talk about, I can find someone to lean on. I find that comforting. Regardless of how independant I like to think I am, or how much I like to claim I'm a loner, without that, I don't know where I'd be. This medium gives me the chance to spew out a lot of crap that I'd otherwise burden some poor friend with, while pontificating over a beer or two, but as I've noted before... there's just some stuff I refuse to write about here, and that's where the people I'm talking about come in. I couldn't imagine keeping everything in all the time. I'd quite possibly explode. And sometimes, I think that leads to those moments where you totally overstep your bounds with someone, and just drop all this heavy shit on someone that you probably aren't that close to.

Really, I think they both achieve the same result. Regardless of who you talk to, the more people you tell about something... the more you talk about it, even with the same people, the easier it becomes to come to terms with even some of the more painful moments in your past.

Huh, I guess that's really just therapy, isn't it......

I honestly just put two and two together as I was typing that.

Of course, if you shun such things, there's always Plan 'B': Self-medication.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Not that I've been following overly closely, but....

...look who's back and kicking ass in European competiton!

Sweet.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Neat Little Saying

Yesterday I heard this, and it's apparently an old Jamaican saying:

"The long way will bring sweat, but the short way will bring blood."

For some reason, I just kinda like that....