How I Get Disheartened

Before reading this, do note that Amy is my friend Amr's gf, and she is a lovely girl. I actually quite like her and she is very cool and understanding for letting us watch way too much football at their place. But still...

Me: Vegas?
Amr: when?
Me: Feb. 10th
Amr: weekend. expensive. pass.
Me: you just have to pay for a flight ...which will only be a couple hundred.....and maybe kick in a few bucks for the room if you actually sleep there at any point....
Me: or you could stay home and wish you went to Caesar's...
Amr: I'm planning on going to Vegas later anyway, so I won't be that disappointed.
Me: fine then....humph!
Amr: Plus I'm afraid to go with you and people of your ilk.
Me: okay, I can buy that....
Me: who're you going with?
Me: and don't say Amy
Amr: The plan is Amy
Me: {sigh}

Things White Men Can't Do

1. Jump
   
2. Be taken seriously when ordering a spicy dish at a Chinese/Thai/Korean restaurant
3. Rep their 'hood
4. Have homies
   
5. Run 100 metres in under 10 seconds
6. Ever use the phrase "That's just how I roll" in all seriousness
7. Laugh at Undercover Brother without somehow feeling inadvertantly racist
   
8. Have Grillz...oh, whoops........sorry Paul Wall...

I guess I don't have a point anymore.

Maybe I never did.

We Want Prenup

This weekend was the triumphant return of your faithful narrator to one of his favourite old haunts…Clark Hall Pub, but more specifically, Ritual.

Some highlights:

A thorough campus pub tour on Friday (the evening consisted of QP and Alfie’s…or so I’m told), with the booking of a trip to Vegas interspersed with dinner at Stooley’s. Yes, at Caesar’s Palace, no less…booked so drunk I had two typos in my Mastercard number. This can’t bode well for the trip, can it?

Saturday started with the obligatory red-eye at the Toucan…over which was discussed how stupid an idea this Vegas trip is, but while also figuring out how to get more people to come along, too. As it stands right now (Monday morning), there are apparently as many as 6 or 7 people showing enough interest that they’ve looked into flights, too. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all?

On Sunday, I had the joy of getting to leave my friend Brian behind after waiting until 9:45 (we were supposed to leave at 9…) before I left for band practice. Still haven’t heard from him. Oops…

Band was good, but I really should limit the number of two-day benders I go on immediately before practice…turns out heavy drinking and lack of sleep aren’t great for fine muscle control…who knew??

All in all, Kingston is pretty much how I remember it, or [insert blackout joke here].

Good times, good times. :)

My Life in a Nutshell

Yesterday, I forgot to bring boxers to the gym, and thus spent the whole day at work commando, however, I was also approved for a mortgage.

In addition, this week I am hurrying to complete the spec’s and major bid packages for a $4M project so that I can go drinking in the afternoon on Friday.

Somehow none of this surprises me in the slightest.

Apt, I say! Apt!

With a road trip to Ritual pending, I felt this particular passage exemplifies what it is my friends and I do best....just replace "Midwest" with "Kingston":

"So I joined them for some Midwestern Power Drinking. There are a lot of drunks in this world, but peope in the Midwest drink differently than everywhere else I've ever been; it's far less recreational. You have to stay focused, you have to work fast, and you have to swollow constantly."
-Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story

Beware of The Frank!

Kobe Scores Almost as Much as Chamberlain

On the basketball court….geez, people………

To cap off a weekend of brutal blowouts in the NHL and NFL, Kobe Bryant decided to become the highest single game scorer in NBA history not named Wilt Chamberlain.

Kobe poured in 81 points against the woeful Raptors, who actually at one point had a 17-some-odd point lead over the Lakers, but then Kobe took over scoring 55 of his points in the second half, outscoring the entire Raptor team on his own.

It’s worth noting that none of the NBA legends like Michael, Magic, Larry or Kareem ever really came close to this number. It’s also worth noting that Kobe scored 62 in only THREE QUARTERS earlier this season, leaving with the game well in hand, and thus giving up what many thought would be a great shot at scoring 80 in a game.

This brings up an interesting argument that many people thought had been put to rest with the arrival of LeBron James. Now, ‘Bron-‘Bron was supposed to be the new heir to the “Jordan Throne”, and while he’s still doing insanely fucking well for only being 20 years old, Kobe has re-entered discussions with his ridiculous scoring binges this season. Now, my humble opinion is that Kobe will never truly live up to this hype. There is no doubt that he is talented (any doubts of this nature should have been taken out behind the shed and shot in the back of the head last night), but he is ultimately still a jerk. MJ was able to dominate with superior skills much like Kobe, and they both have an otherworldly competitiveness to them, but it is the fact that he’s a giant jerk and a general asshole that will hold Kobe back. It always seemed to me that Michael’s teammates wanted to succeed in order to please them, as they knew that if His Airness liked them, they’d stay on the team and keep playing for championships (the list of stiffs that Mike liked and now have multiple NBA rings is astonishing). In fact Steve Kerr, token Canadian Bill Wennington and John Paxon have all hit shots (on passes from Michael) to win games in the NBA Finals. The difference is that Kobe would have never made those passes. He’d have jacked up ill-advised shots because he doesn’t trust anyone to make a shot except him…and his teammates know this, so they know they’ll only get chewed out if they miss a shot in the unlikely event that they do get a pass.

In short, I don’t think Kobe has what it takes with his current level of maturity (read: lack of) to win another ring in this post-Shaq era in L.A. Perhaps he’ll grow up and get some teammates around him he can trust, or maybe he’ll go down in history as a gunner who could score at will, but never really got it done on his own in the playoffs.

It’s on you, Kobe Bean….let’s see whatcha got…

My Imagination has Problems with Plot Mechanics

Okay, I really need to stop writing about the same author all the time...but in my defence, three of the four books I've read since Christmas are by him...so I like to think that it's just that I happen to be reading a lot of his material, but anyway...here's an except from Chuck Klosterman's "Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story" that I couldn't agree with more:

It is time to run. My acquaintances in New York tend to act shocked when they discover that I am an avid runner, since the rest of my life skews unhealthy. But that is why I must run: Running keeps me alive. Physically I almost never enjoy the process of exercise, but I feel mentally tougher when I finish. More important, running lets me eat anything I want, and it allows me to drink every day (if I need to).

That pretty much describes my entire history of exercise.

He also has the following exchange with his editor (Sia) at Spin that I hope I never have with my boss...or at least not seriously:

"I'm tired."
"Are you drunk?"
"What?"
"Are you drunk?"
"Sia, it's 1:20 in the afternoon!"
"Well, whatever, fine, I don't care."

PS: The title is another phrase from the book that I just found amusing.

PPS: Now for a run to account for the gratuitous post-band practice/NFL conference finals Sunday afternoon binge...

Pipin' ain't easy

(to paraphrase Ice-T)

I have said many times that having been a piper at numerous weddings and funerals, I have pretty much become immune to the events which tend to be the most emotional that one will experience.

I have piped at weddings of people that I know, and okay, they're a little bigger deal than the ones that I don't the people at all, but I still do keep the whole event somewhat at arm's length, as I'm there to perform first, and socialize second (in my mind). In reality, they're not much different than if I was a normal guest.

However, it wasn't until this morning that I had the chance to first play at a funeral of someone that I even vaguely knew. It was the father of a guy that I'd likely consider more an acquaintance than a friend, really, but the difference from not knowing anything beyond names to even just knowing people vaguely is astonishing.

I guess this just proves I'm not totally devoid of emotion. Who knew?

Thanks for nothing…

While I only see him occasionally now, Greg has managed to ruin my life.

With the upcoming Olympics, he suggested that perhaps we should upgrade our cable package from “Only Crappy Channels” to “The Decent Channels”. Alas, exactly what I had feared would happen if I ever had any more channels has come to pass.

Don’t think that my recent precipitous drop off in posting in this space is coincidental!

I now find myself flipping back and forth between channels that I never used to get until the wee hours of the morning.

My mind seems devoid of creative thoughts.

I am not able to write except in short, stabby, bullet-point-style sentences that I try to pass off as paragraphs in a thinly-veiled attempt to make it look like I’ve written more.

In short, something has to change.

What? I dunno. Perhaps I can try out this thing I’ve heard about called self-control…but I’ll be honest, my track record with that is spotty at best.

Suggestions are appreciated.

The World Needs More Simon Cowells

Not more of Simon, I assure you....there's more than enough of him around in the oversaturated work of American Idol, but I think the world needs more people like him.

What the fuck is that Gomme kid on about now? I'll explain.

Everyone in this world is bent on not offending anyone, and making sure everyone feels all warm and fuzzy about themselves. In comes Simon, with a little "Reality Therapy" telling people that suck that they suck. What's so damned revolutionary about that??? Granted, he does it somwhat wittily, but still...it's a harsh world out there, so suck it up. The sooner you learn that, the better.

Okay, I'll admit that this is coming from someone who is probably a little hypercompetitive, and has likely spent too much time playing competitive sports and at piping competitions, but don't see anything wrong with that. A side-effect is that I hate being told I can't do something, and while some might view that as juvenile, it's more that I take being told I can't do something as a challenge. And I like to "win" at everything I do, so being told I can't do something or that I'm not good enough actually drives me to work harder and get better. I've been told that I'm not good enough for a lot of things, and I've managed to prove people wrong almost every time.

Now, I'm not saying that all the people that get shit on on national television are going to go home and prove Simon Cowell wrong, because while I know almost nothing about singing, it seems like most of them are talentless hacks that couldn't carry a tune in a wheelbarrow. BUT! For those select few who honestly just had a bad day, or just haven't tapped their true potential, maybe a verbal kick in the ass is exactly what they needed!

Now, for a hackneyed over-used example, and why it doesn't totally apply. Everyone uses Michael Jordan as the quintessential example of "stick-to-it-iveness" (I hate that word, but it just applies too well here), citing that he was cut from his high school basketball team. Well, yes...I'm sure MJ used that slight as motivation throughout his career. He is possibly one of the most ridiculously hypercompetitive people in history, and used any slight he could (real, perceived, or even completely fabricated) as motivation to get "up" every night to beat you....but it should also be noted that he had a 4-inch growth spurt (growing to 6'-3") after he was cut from his high school team. You think that might have helped him, too?? I suspect yes....

Anyway, back to my original point. Kudos to Simon. The world need to hear the ugly truth sometimes, and I'm glad someone is willing to tell them.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I don't plan to turn this into a big announcement board, or anything, but I feel compelled to offer my sincere congratulations and most earnest best wishes to Robin and Donnie Hicks upon the birth of their first son (Joseph Brennus Aloysius Hicks, 3lbs 5oz.) yesteday at 2:05 am.

The little guy came a bit sooner than expected (by a couple of months, actually) but seems to be doing well right now, as are his parents, and should be making it home in about a month.

Dear Citizens of Indianapolis and Surrounding Area:

We are oh so very sorry for brutally shitting the bed earlier this afternoon.

Please don't egg our houses.

Love,
The Indianapolis Colts

Maybe Amr's Right?

My friend Amr has told me repeatedly that I'm too picky. I contend that I'm not. I will now use the following as an example of not being too picky.

Last night I'm out at a party with my friend Dave. We're talking to a girl, and she says something (I forget what...) to which Dave replies: "Are you making fun of me?" The girl says that (I paraphrase), No, she doesn't make fun of people...that's mean. (continuing with, again paraphrasing) And she doesn't get sarcasm, either. It's not funny. Now she does find a lot of things funny, but not sarcasm.

Wow... I'm pretty sure that the only way she could have made herself less attractive would have been to casually mention that she had a penis.

So, no. Amr is not right.

Happy Birthday Justin!

This post isn't so much to celebrate Justin's birthday, as to share the torturous reasons as to why he wasn't able to celebrate at all this weekend.

As is somewhat expected, J and I had been talking on and off all week as to what we were going to do (okay, that was a short conversation, we both knew WHAT we were gonna do...), and where...but on Friday, I got a rather disheartening phone call. Justin had apparently had one boss come by around 3pm asking him to come in over the weekend, and then again at 4pm, another boss came by asking the same thing...

It was like a scene out of fucking Office Space!!

I just felt that needed to be shared......

My name is Iain, and I listen to Flow

Flow 93.5 is my favourite radio station. It’s the #1 preset in my car, and it’s the station my alarm is set to. I love it. I listen to the Morning Rush, the Urban Sweet if I’m out at lunch (specifically, the Midday Mix at noon with the incomparable DJ Starting From Scratch), Flow Factor (also including Scratch doing the Traffic Flow Mix Show at 5), and if it’s a late day at work, I can catch the Trauma Unit with Scratch’s Critical Mix at 7pm.

I’m not saying that this is the only station I listen to, far from it….but it’s without doubt my favourite. This also isn’t to say that Hip Hop, R ‘n B, Rap, Dancehall or whatever else you want to call it is the only kind of music I listen to, either. Again, not even close. I just find that there isn’t a whole lot of good music from new artists that has come out in the last few years (major exceptions such as The Killers and Audioslave notwithstanding) outside of these genres. It has been mostly good singles, followed by crap, if anything at all.

I’ll take the gun-toting thugs from the Three 6 Mafia or D12 over the pussy-punks from Good Charlotte (and all those other bands that are basically identical, but I can never remember the names to) any day. Maybe it’s a credibility thing, but I just find music from Compton (The Game), Jamaica Queens (50 Cent), Atlanta (Ludacris) or even Nashville (Young Buck) a little more interesting than what I perceive to be a bunch of faux-angst from the suburbs. I understand this kind of music is called “Emo”, but I couldn’t care less. It’s awful.

Why am I attacking Pussy Punk? Mostly because it’s apparently all wonderfully good and award winning…I’m not going to waste my time on Ashlee Simpson’s music career, as it’s pretty self-explanatorily awful. Also, nobody to my knowledge pretends to like Creed or any other band of their ilk anymore, so I’m not bothering with them, either.

Whatever happened to the Golden Age of rock? Granted we all think of the music we grew up with as being the best, but for my money you can’t compare to the likes of Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Green Day… (I could go on) as a collective to what we have today. There are some groups that compare, as I noted above, but as a whole? Yikes!

Before that, Metal pretty much was the only worthwhile thing going (let’s just ignore Devo and Dexie’s Midnight Runners for now…they’re cool, but on an entirely different level) and I think that Van Halen, KISS, Bon Jovi etc. are still pretty cool. Hell, JBJ and the boys just put out another record, did they not?

I’m not even going to disrespect Sabbath, Zep, U2 or the Stones by making anything more than a cursory comment that, yes, they are above everyone I mentioned above without exception. That’s not even up for debate.

Moving on…

I guess my point is that I do like rock…almost always have…but now I’ll gladly take a Dr. Dre track with bass so thick you can eat it with a spoon over some whiny suburbanite with a cookie-cutter guitar riff any day of the week.

I’d just like to know: “Why?”

They were kidding, right?

I’m starting to realize that I’m giving away FAR too much of the crap I watch on TV, but here I go again…

I’m not going to belabour the point, but… last night on the OC, I just about died laughing when I saw Seth, Summer and Taylor walking around with a “Marissa Cooper Graduates” sign. I hope this was a joke. I really really really really hope this was a joke. If this was some kind of tongue-in-cheek homage to the painfully contrived 90210 episode with the rallying cry of “Donna Martin Graduates”, then it was hilarious and well done. If not, I’m about ready to torch all of Newport Beach, which it turns out (in the digression to end all digressions) is where Kobe Bryant lives in real life!

That is all.

Oh, and Happy Friday the 13th… :)

I don't wanna grow up!

Yesterday afternoon marked the second time I got to go out to a site, and thus had to dress up in all the standard "Green Triangle" crap (steel toes, hard hat, etc.) but the part that most amuses me is the blue Nomex coveralls (I assure you I don't look as good as the picture to the right, but we can't all be winners...). Now, I have no idea why getting all "dressed up" amuses me so, but I honestly get positively giddy at the prospect.

Now, on top of the joy of getting all dressed up, I actually got to visit three tanks at a Petro-Canada Terminal that we are going to be putting back into service (they've been sitting empty for about 7 years...but I doubt anyone much cares about the details of why we were there). These are HUGE tanks...two are 120' diameter x 40' high, and the "little" one is 60' x 40' high. We got to go inside (one had an internal floating roof, which was cool to see out of service...and without it, they kinda look like circus tents on the inside!) and then up to the roof of the tanks. Very cool. Yes I'm a big dork, and I don't care!

The Hardest Working Man in Show Business

With all due respect to the rarely sober "Godfather of Soul" Mr. James Brown, yesterday marked a day when one of his many pseudonyms really did belong to Craig Ferguson.

I feel that I have to honour Craig's accomplishment of hosting two live programs practically back-to-back. Now, of course I didn't watch the People's Choice Awards (nor the most recent federal debate, for that matter...as I have inadvertantly shown just how vapid I can be by watching Blue Crush and posting about it instead...but I digress) which I assume he killed at, but I did see the Late Late Show. And while looking kinda like he could use a nap, Mr. Ferguson did a bang up job of being both very commical (his unrehearsed monologues are one of the funniest things on TV!), and then actually discussing his two divorces and his 14 years of sobriety with his guest (one of my favourites) Dr. Phil McGraw with some level of seriousness*. Now, this is a minor accomplishment in and of itself, as both of the above things are regular points of comedy in the aforementioned monologues, such as anytime he mentions his wife(s), he immediately spews out "who is a lovely person, for legal reasons" while shaking his head no....and when discussing 80's music (for example), he says that he never heard most of it until recetly, as the 80's are a little "fuzzy".

Yes, I'm blatantly pimping one of the few originally funny (and Scottish!) people on TV in a completely tranparent attempt to enrich your lives. As if you're not up at 12:30, anyway...

* - One minor exception being when Dr. Phil was talking about how divorces are caused by making poor choices, to which Craig replied "No, they were actually both quite lovely....oh, wait...now I get it....I was the bad choice!"

Wise Words From Across The Pond

Okay, not exactly...but a quote that came along with an email I just got from my friend Chris, who is currently living in England, near Manchester (I think? Maybe I'm a bad friend...).

"There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts."- by Richard Bach

Chris is without doubt one of the most optimistic people I have ever had the pleasure to know. He borders on inspirational just by going about his life, and not ever letting it get him down.

He is also responsible (along with Red Bull) for me only sleeping about 5 1/2 hours during my week in Ibiza, so he certainly knows how to party, too...almost needless to say, I met him in Bands... ;)

Today's Phrase That Can Only Lead To Trouble

"So, how much money ya got on ya?"

(thanks to Greg)

You're not a quitter...you're just scared!

Arguably the most memorable quote from one of my favourite "bad movies" of all time, Blue Crush, which I had the luck (and pleasure) to catch last night on A Channel. In reality, this movie is memorable (to me at least) as I believe it represented the first time in the history of civilization that a guy (namely, me) dragged his girlfriend to a chick flick.

To be fair, there is ample reason for any heterosexual male to want to see the fair Ms. Kate Bosworth wet and in a bikini for 104 minutes, but let's be fair...it's not exactly Oscar-worthy, either. I believe there's a plot in there somewhere. Something about a runaway mom, a little sister going astray, a hunky football player love interest in Hawaii for reasons that I don't believe are ever fully explained, but the main gist is that Anne Marie Chadwick (Kate Bosworth...and I promise I needed IMDB to know that) overcomes a rather major near-drowning incident in her past to compete in some big contest. I'm watching the movie RIGHT NOW, and that's all I can come up with. I'm not kidding. The vast majority of the time I'm just sitting here going "hummanah, hummanah" every time Kate's on screen.

In other news, I just flipped around during the commercials and saw the formerly foxy (yes, I just said "foxy"...and yes, I'm aware that it's 2006) Anna Kournikova playing in some contrived tennis thingy on Sportsnet. Yikes. Someone tell Anna that she looks hideous. She is supposed to be a strong-looking, muscular woman. She looked FABULOUS when she was. Now? It looks like she went on the Nicole Ritchie diet! And no, I refuse to post a picture of the new "Stick-Bug" Anna. That would be wrong. I just wanted a flimsy excuse to post a nice one to clear my head. :)

And now I will go and figure out how I can meet hot surfing chicks in Hawaii... First step? Move to Hawaii.



[UPDATE!]

PS: Okay, fine...here is a pic illustrating the "new" Anna. Note that her frame (shoulders, hips, etc.) is just too athletically sized (trying to avoid using the term "big") to not have the shapely muscle we're used to seeing....

“King of All Media” adds another notch to his belt

Okay, so I’m a day late…but yesterday marked the first broadcast by Howard Stern since he left so-called “Terrestrial Radio” December 19th. The new notch on his belt is in the form of Sirius Satellite Radio.

Now, unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 6 months, you’ve likely heard about the 5-year $500 million contract Howard signed with Sirius to run two stations on their system. Just for the record, that’s not his salary…that’s actually supposed to be used to cover all the costs associated with running both of those stations, from production costs to salaries of his employees. I’m not suggesting that we need to take up a collection for Howard, by any means, but it’s noteworthy that not many reports of the contract make it clear that he’s not pocketing $100 million a year. Some might call this foolish spending, but seeing as at the time he signed this contract that the daily audience for the Howard Stern Show was approximately 10 times the total number of people who has Sirius receivers, it just sounds like good business sense, especially when you consider the rabidly loyal fan base that The King of All Media has. Now, you might be thinking that this (admittedly self-anointed) title of Howard’s is a little much, but do keep in mind that he has without question the highest rated and most innovative show in the history of radio, a best-selling autobiography entitled “Private Parts”, a critically acclaimed movie of the same name (granted, based on the book, but still), and a successful television show on E! that is really only comprised of video shot during his radio show.

Equally, unless you’ve just recently returned from a short stay on the moon, you’re likely all too painfully aware of the ridiculousness that is the FCC since the Janet Jackson non-nipple showing during the Super Bowl. Now, it was the FCC’s virtual single-minded persecution of Howard Stern (they even went so far as to fine him for the content of a clip he played from Oprah when the original airing on Oprah’s own show received NO FINE!) that made the above contract possible. To be honest, it was likely that Howard would have retired this fall rather than sign a new contract to deliver what he called “sub-par shows” any longer. In fact, he claims that he has been held back for upwards of 10 years now, and when I last heard him on his show, and Letterman back in December, he was positively giddy about the prospect of having complete and total creative freedom.

Now, I don’t generally broadcast that I’m a Howard Stern fan, as it often means you get tarred with a certain brush, but hear me out. I actually find the parts of his show that the FCC finds so objectionably rather boring. Sure, the first dozen or so times you hear a stripper describing her panties (or lack thereof), it’s kinda titillating. But honestly? It gets old. I personally enjoy hearing the back-and-forth between Howard and his co-hosts Robin Quivers (who has been with him for something like 20 years) and Artie Lange (a recent addition, of Dirty Work Fame), and their “ask the questions you want to hear the answers to” way of interviewing which is a breath of fresh air compared to the kid-gloves approach you see from the vast majority of interviewers (David Letterman used to be good for this kinda stuff, too, and I’ve seen him make people absolutely squirm – Jennifer Anniston, in particular, of late – but he apparently has locked his balls away and thrown away the key, seeing the way he had his tongue firmly planted up Oprah’s ass last month).

All that said, I haven’t exactly rushed out to get a Sirius receiver. I’m sure I’ll have to eventually, but…well…add it to the list…

I Think I Have a Man-Crush

Who knew that being a city boy, I could find a kindered spirit in someone who hails from Wyndmere, ND.

I am nearing the end of the aforementioned "Fargo Rock City", and the estimable Chuck Klosterman has truly spoken to me. Tell me if you think the following tidbits seem like they could have been said/written by (or apply to) your faithful narrator:

"I am totally wasted, and I'm alone in my apartment, and I'm stupid. And I love it. ... And even though I feel great right now, I know I should hate it. And when I try to expand on these thoughts tomorrow, I will not remember why. At best, I will be slightly impressed by how accurately I type when I'm drunk."

"When I'm straight, it always seems like being drunk would be a logical alternative to anything else I'm doing, even though I'm certain that it's certainly going to destroy me (or at least destroy my life). In fact, I think I'm going to make myself a drink right now."

" For the next two and a half years, I felt as though I had to be drunk (or at least drinking) whenever I was out in public. I came to the conclusion that this was what people wanted from me, and -- quite honestly -- I'm pretty sure my perception was accurate."

"I tried to foster the same reputation that Slash seemed to display: 'He's talented and popular -- but will he live to be thirty?' That's exactly what I wanted people to say about me. And i'm pretty sure some of them did (although not as many as I'd like to pretend)."

"I loved that pathetic admiration; I loved being wasted in public; I loved the stage credibility that comes with being the most self-cancerous superstar in any given social situation."

And now an added bonus excerpt:
"Drinking is my profession. Drums are just a hobby," Dokken percussionist Mick Brown said in 1985, and some nights I can see where he's coming from. "I have to admit I'm a pretty bad influence on a lot of people. The girls who hang out with me will take a couple of days off from their jobs, and then find out they've been fired when they return to work. And they get really torn up. And I just go, 'Listen, if you can't handle it, then don't hang around me. I don't want to ruin your life just for having a good time.' I'm a party professional. I stay in on New Year's Eve because all the amateurs are out."

That last line makes me chuckle. :)

Memo to Vince Young:

I hate to say this, Vinnie, but you're not going to do very well in the NFL. I know that you just finished dominating the Rose Bowl. You completely controlled the game with your phsysical ability, similar to a grade 8 kid beating the crap out of grade 6 kids. This is all well and good, but it doesn't really bode well for your NFL career.

If you doubt me, I suggest you call up a Mr. Michael Vick, who was the last QB who tried to dominate with otherworldly physical ability. Apart from two VERY dubious Pro Bowl selections (I didn't realize "Hype" was allowed to vote), he has been marginal, at best, as a quarterback. His teams have won becuase of a dominating running game. And even then, they're really only a .500 team!

Oh, so you say that you're a better passer than, Vick, do you? Granted, you led the NCAA in passing, but look at your throwing motion! It has been compared to "someone who just realized they have dog poop on their hand and is trying to fling it off" by ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, and do I dare remind you of the stunning career of former #1 Overall Pick David Carr? He of the "once they get him to throw over-the-top he'll be fine".

Consider yourself warned.

(of course, if the Dolphins end up drafing him, I will promptly reverse my thoughts completely)

No, I have not seen Boogie Nights

Sometimes through circumstance, people just don't see movies. For example, I didn't see the 40-Year Old Virgin until last week. Also, Greg hadn't seen Bad Santa until this past Saturday. For two people who have seen more movies than is likely healthy, that struck me as odd.

This might shock you, but the title of this post is true. Apparently this is bordering on a personality flaw. Who knew? It came out at a point in my life that I wasn't seeing a lot of movies, so I just never have. Thus, my first exposure to the lovely Heather Graham was as Felicity Shagwell in Austin Powers 2. Apparently she was also phenomenal as Roller Girl in Boogie Nights, but I guess I'll have to take the "general consensus" for that.

I do plan to see the movie shortly, but I've said that about a LOT of movies, so we'll see. For the number of movies I've seen, there seem to be a startling number I haven't. Maybe I just watch the same movies over and over....having seen Super Troopers this weekend for approximately the 1,352,741st time. But I digress.

If you think this whole diatribe was an excuse to post Heather Graham pics, I suspect you'd be right.

Etiquette Lesson

Now, I'm sure everyone knows the standard rules of the Men's Room...they are well documented, and as such I will not belabour them here. Suffice it to say that one does not make anything more than the absolute minimal acknowledgement, even to your lifelong best friend.

However, there is one guy that you honestly try to avoid even looking in his general direction...and that's the guy either entering or leaving the stall.

The Stall Guy is without doubt the person who least wants to be seen, and who you least want to see, as there is no doubt that he is (through various unfortunate circumstances) being forced to drop a deuce in public. For a guy this is tantamount to a road game. You're just not comfortable. There's no reading material, built-in comforts you've grown to expect from your own bathroom, or anything. It's somewhat unsettling, and often far less satisfying than when you go about your business at home.

I know what you're thinking, and yes. You needed to know that. ;)

We might be winoes....

For reasons that are very obvious if you know either of us, my roommate and I don't generally keep much (if any) beer in the apartment. It can only lead to disaster, as while both of us try really hard to be responsible, we are also both prone to peer pressure (that is, if one of us has a beer, the other has to have one, too..can't let a buddy drink alone, right?) and are also not the types that can easily have "just one". I wish I was kidding. The phenomenon of "Just One Beer" became such a disaster waiting to happen while we were at school (the theory being that you can always just have one drink...it just never EVER worked out that way - more often than not we'd wind up closing the bar) that it became a running joke to ask one of us if they wanted to go out for "just one".

So things were moving along nicely, with relatively few unplanned trainwrecks through the fall....but then disaster struck. I won a raffle through a guy I work with for 15 bottles of wine (in a laundry basket, as you can see), meanwhile my roommate got a new job tending bar at a pretty relaxed joint, and so we suddenly had a virtually unlimited supply of wine. We clearly did not think this through. And the worst part? Turns out we both like wine. Like, a lot. Or maybe we just like drinking....that's a distinct possibility, too.

Things came to a head on Saturday night when as we're sitting there flipping between football and hockey (a manly use of time, if I've ever heard one) we discover we're sitting there, each with our own bottles of wine. I guess we're not even pretending anymore.

One caveat, though. While we had made a pact that we would never admit it, due to the currently limited variety we have on TV (we only have Basic cable...that's due to change this week, but it still applies as I type this), we have found ourselves watching more "Sex and the City" (7pm on City...I challenge you to find something on channels 2 to 28 that's better!) than two heterosexual roommates likely should, and have felt the need to share this with people once we've been drinking. ANYWAY! We have now made a rule that we are not allowed under any circumstances to drink wine while watching "Sex and the City". We almost broke the rule the very first day we made it, as we had forgotten than CBS tends to play an episode of "Sex and the City" after "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" (by FAR the funniest guy on latenight TV...I assure you....check him out for yourself!). I stunned myself with my remote control prowess, and we were able to avert disaster.

I'm quite sure I've lost whatever point I may have previously had, so I will stop typing.

Chuck Klosterman is Hilarious!

You may know Chuck from his columns in Spin (among others), but then again, you may have read one (or all) of his books. I'm in the midst of "Fargo Rock City", which was his first, and I love it.



Two gems:

(Regarding Judas Priest)
"I don't know why two guys from Nevada would think that a gay British metal singer was telling them to kill themselves. I honestly have no clue whatsoever, and I can't even speculate. Sure, they were drinking a few afternoon beers and smoking some low-grade dope, but that's hardly an excuse for getting that confused about anything. In 1985, I listened to Stained Class at a friend's house, and that didn't even convince me to buy the goddamn record."


(Regarding Whitesnake)
"Their biggest hit (and their only No. 1 single) was 'Here I Go Again.' This song is interesting for a couple of reasons, but mostly for its video. Though the lyrics of the song are about forging one's own path and being a loner, the director of the video interpreted the song far differently: He seemed to think hits song was about watching a woman trying to fuck a car."

I laughed, but maybe I'm just a sick fuck....

Why did I do this?

That is the question I have been asking myself for the last 10 seconds, or however long it takes for Blogger to actually create a blog...

It came about as I have been reading a disproportionate number of these things...among others, that of my friend Carol. About half an hour ago, we had the following exchange:

Iain: Why am I considering starting a blog?
Carol: DO IT!
Iain: Meh...okay.......

So here I am.

Welcome to my mind.

I have no idea what I plan to write here, but I think it's a safe bet to be a combination of venomous rants about my "beef-du-jour" (or should that be boeuf?), funny drinking stories, or whatever random crap floats through my head....

I hope you enjoy. :)