Because I'm immature, and you love it

If you can stop giggling, you're better (well, more mature) than me...

In England, when an office building is vacant, the Estate Agents will usually put-up a large sign outside that reads:

“TO LET”

For someone like me, who has a mental age of about 4, the gap between the O and the L is too enticing. I still think it’s hilarious to add an ‘I’ so that it spells: ‘TOILET’.

In a similar vein, every time I walk into a sports bar that has a whiteboard instructing patrons to "Please Seat Yourself" I never fail to erase the 'S' in 'Seat', thereby urging patrons to "Please Eat Yourself."

I get giddy when I'm in a bathroom and I see one of those "Baby Changing Stations." I immediately scratch off the 'C' to leave "Baby hanging Station." This will never not be funny to me, because I always imagine someone who just happens to be carrying a sack of babies entering the bathroom to use the toilet, notices the sign and smiles. "Talk about two birds..."

knock knock
who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?

I religiously ask women with Russian accents to say "Moose and Squirrel."

PS: Credit where credit is due.

Job Security or Career Suicide?

Last night, walking back to the car after having dinner with Naing and Sonya, we ran into one of our bosses. He was on his way out with his family for dinner (he lives like 2 blocks from where we ate, so it's not exactly a stunning surprise).

And so, while Naing has met the whole family before, Ana (our boss's wife, who also works in our office and used to sit beside me), takes the opportunity to introduce everyone...

Ana: So, this is our son, Michael, and of course you've met Tina.
Tina: No, I don't think we've met.
Me: Yum. Feisty. And I know I haven't met you. I'd remember you. That much I can promise. (okay, I'm pretty sure I just thought that)

Anyway, turns out she had worked in the office the previous summer.

Damnit.

Me: Bosses aren't allowed to have daughters that look like that. It's just not fair.
Naing: Well, I guess that's too bad.
Me: Dude, I can always find another job.......... and it'd be worth it.

Vegas baby, Vegas!

You might know that I am ever-so-slightly facinated with Las Vegas.

However, do you know how this happened? Let me tell you a tale....

Or, rather, I can just say it simply: It was half Bill Simmons' articles like these about Vegas, and half Amr reading them too, and agreeing that Vegas had to be some kind of bad idea-fueled Shangri-La. Oh, and the movie Swingers didn't hurt, either.

I think the gratuitous re-reading of Simmons' articles (before ESPN.com became assholes and made all their archives "Insider" access only) which included a week-long running diary leading up to one of the last Tyson fights, to the regular recounting of his most recent (or just appropriate to the article being written) Vegas stories, and my near pathological watching of Swingers (I've even watched the "Making Of" movie on the DVD and the version where they give Jon Favereau a telestrater to show the weird little things they threw in. That might not seem like much, but seeing as it's the only movie I've ever bothered to do anything other than watch the "normal" movie for, that's saying something) just fed the beast.

And unfortunately (fortunately?), my trip last February just gave me enough of a taste I had to go back. Granted, I've kind of forced my hand with a little drunken impetuousness, but hey... I'm going again either way... I've just made sure I have a deadline for when I go next.

Vegas, baby.

Vegas...

I feel violated

If you know me at all, you have likely heard me proclaim at least once that I am not, nor will ever be, one of those "lives to work" types. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just really don't see any scenario where work will start to become more important to me than family, friends, or even hobbies, like piping.

Now, that said, I still take my job seriously, and as such, sometimes things don't work out exactly as you'd like. More specifically, there arise cases where I will have no option but to work on the weekend.

Tomorrow will be the first time I have worked a weekend since high school when I worked in the Loblaws bakery. I'm not kidding. I have always been able to avoid it by putting in a little extra time during the week, but tomorrow came up more as a result of project timing than anything else. See, there's a 134' diameter steel tank on Keele Street, just North of Finch, that is being filled with water as I type this. I actually just got home from checking on it. Yes, check the time stamp. I haven't fiddled with it. And the project managers from Petro-Canada and the supplier of the floating roof are both going to be at the site between 11am and noon tomorrow, and so I kinda have to be there, too.

Oh well. I managed to last over three years gainfully employed in a field where overtime is pretty standard stuff (Justin and Pat have been working weekends for as long as I can remember) before having my Weekend Work Cherry popped.

Can't win 'em all....

And if that wasn't enough....

Greg told me about this movie last night.

I'm legitimately excited.

And yes, it's by the same guys as Super Troopers.

Admit it...

...you probably kind of already knew.

NEWSFLASH!!

Some things you just need to know.

This is one of them.

Because I'm a self-indulgent blogger...

For reasons I can't begin to comprehend, I feel obliged to mention that this story was credited on wwtdd.com to the same rag that Myalee's friend writes for, and because she writes for that particular rag, was able to get us both up to and in the London Eye, which is (as you can see to the right) is basically a giant pimple on the penis that is the London skyline... but it's otherwise expensive, so we went.

Giant ferris wheels are fun when they're free!

Especially with bottomless Champagne!!

It's rare...

...but sometimes the Galway is the better, and more responsible, option.

Tonight, after softball, I waited with DC for a little while while he waited for Gord (teammate/co-worker) to get back and lend his jumper cables. In return, Dave asked if I wanted to go to the Galway for a pint to thank me for hanging around. I begged off, saying that I had to take out the garbage at the church I practice my pipes at (true) and I had some music I had to learn for band on Thursday (also true).

While I was waiting, I apparently got a call, and a kryptic message was left for me saying that "someone is in town and wants to see me", with a number. I checked the number in my phonebook, and deduced that it was a friend of Greg's calling... and knowing from earlier in the afternoon speaking to him that he was in town to see a doctor about his back, I stopped by Bryden's (random, yet safe guess) after doing my thing with the garbage at the church. Needless to say, he was there... but fortunately had to work in London at 6am, so had to behave himself. I stayed.

As I sit here, I can assure you that no pipe music was learned this evening.

Damnit.

For the first time in a while...

...I almost got busted at work for goofing off, and it was because I was turning red and almost crying holding in my laughter while reading this.

Best of luck, but consider yourself warned!

Shout-Out to Uxbridge

Yesterday, I was at the Highlands of Durham Highland Games, and damn.... they know how to do things up right.

Urinal cakes in the port-o-potties.... Guinness, Smithwick's and Harp in the beer tent? Damn. Classy place.

Not only that, but it was also a non-competing games, so we just had to play a little, and then off to the beer tent!!

Woo!

Deep Exhale

I woke up this morning.

Not with the use of an alarm clock, but when my body wanted to.

Not in some strange place, but in my own bed.

Not with a raging hangover, but just with a pleasant, rested feeling.

Not with anything to do, but a day completely and utterly devoid of any real need to get up.

And I loved it.

I have got to start treating myself to more days like this. I can't remember the last one, and I can't really envision more than a handful of possibilities in the next couple of months, but man.... today rocked!

Somewhat unlrelated, but still showing how little I had to do today: Is it just me, or does just about everyone have a MySpace page?!? Like, I thought I was pretty down with the self-important internet usage, but wow... that's a whole other level.

Can I be serious for a moment?

Now, I've always kind of lived my life under the premise that I want everyone to like me, pretty much regardless of whether I even much care for them. I don't know what it is, but I really can't stand it when people don't like me or are mad at me. I wish I knew why, and really, I think it's a pretty clear sign of insecurity, but whatever. I've been known to be pretty full of myself now and then, so how insecure can I really be?

Anyway, when I know that things aren't cool between me and, well, just about anybody.... it weighs on me. Whether it be a close friend or realtive, or even a pretty superficial acquiantnace, I can't help but want to try and make it right. Sometimes I have to wait a while, but more often than not I get to find out that I just made a big deal in my mind about nothing. Then there are the times when I'm dealing with one of the few others I know who also think about and relive the past on the same ridiculous level that I do when it's just nice to clear the air.... but then there are the people that you've lost touch with, or don't see very often, and you're just not really sure how things stand. [yes, I note the change from first to second person... bear with me] You start thinking about why things might not be great, or worse, you know exactly why things might be tense the next time you see them.

For this, believe it or not, but I've been able to take solace in (of all things... don't laugh) a Nickleback lyric, or rather series of lyrics, that kind of sum up my feelings:

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now

Now, I'm sure you're sitting back thinking... "Lovely, how quaint... the boy thinks that he can win anyone over or back, no matter how he may have wronged them, or how he left things, regardless of how fucked up it might have been"..... and you're only half right.

I used to think that.

I've realized just how stupid that sentiment is, now. Because in this life, you can't control everything. You just can't. There's no way. If anything, I guess I've grown wise enough to employ the old quote:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes you just can't fix things. And the sooner you accept them, the sooner you can move on with your life.

You know, like everyone else does.

The more things change...

So, Tiger Woods won another Major. Whoopie-shit.

I think a more interesting point is Sergio Garcia's collapse. The guy is talent, there's no question, but one of the big stories Saturday was that he was in position to win his first career major and be the first person to catch Tiger on a Sunday at a Major.

Well, it was not to be.

The part that I find hilarious? Chris, from the pipe band, called this Thursday night in the pub (to paraphrase), "These European guys, they get three good rounds in 'em, and then they go out clubbing Saturday night, because that's what you do on a Saturday night when you're playing well and the toast of the town. Only they end up laying an egg on Sunday because they're still all fucked up from the night before. Meanwhile, people like Tiger are home and getting a good night's sleep. That's how competitive the Americans are."

Now, I'm not sure if that makes me like Sergio Garcia, Colin Montgomery, et. al. more (I'm pretty sure it does), but if Chris is right, it certainly explains a of surprising collapses by European golfers in final rounds of Major Championships, doesn't it?

In other news, I thought it was pretty cool that this year's British Open was being held at Royal Liverpool in Hoylake, England, which is only a few miles from where my paternal grandparents were born!

Okay, so maybe I'm the only one that cares about that....

Something Incredible

I'm on my way to bed, but I can't help but bring something up. I just finished watching a special on Much called "Kanye West: Late Orchestration at Abbey Road" (the pun being on his album "Late Registration"... get it? haha... groan..) and while Kanye's likely more famous for this little rant...



...than for his incredible music (two grammy-worthy albums under his belt already), I really don't think he gets enough credit. The show interpersed clips of them rehearsing before the show which, as the title suggests, was a compilation of his music set to strings (an all-female orchestra comprised of violins, violas, cellos and a harp... no bass*, but oh well...). There was a DJ there to supply the drums, bassline or vocal samples as necessary (Kanye does a lot of colaborations, stemming from his time spent producing the likes of Jay-Z and Talib Kweli, among many others), but the highlight, for me at least, was when he got John Legend to come on and play the piano and supply part of Adam Levine's vocals on "Heard 'em Say". Just magnificent.

The idea of doing this at Abbey Road is a significant nod to just how full of himself Kanye is, but I've chosen to find this charming. I'm sure he can be a giant ass, but let's be honest. The guy shouldn't even be alive today (horrific car accident prior to the release of his first album, resulting in a track called "Through the Wire" in which he raps with his jaw wired shut), and feels very strongly about a lot of things, and so feels compelled to tell anyone who will listen how he feels (see above).

Can't fault a guy for that, can you?

In other news, does anyone know how I can get tickets for upcoming make up dates for the Vertigo Tour? Anyone??

* - PS: I played bass in elementary and high school, so I always look for it... just in case that seemed odd of me to mention.

Are we bad people?

I work with a guy who has some pretty outlandish and blatantly mysogenistic views on a lot of subjects. But sometimes he has these moments of absolute brilliance... like today. [I'm paraphrasing, mostly, but this conversation happened like 2 hours ago... so it's pretty close]

Steve: I don't understand why she doesn't like me...
Me: You can't be serious. You just relayed verbatim how you made fun of the fact she lives in Barrie. [this girl said she was going out to a club in Barrie for her birthday, to which he replied "they have clubs in Barrie? do they, like, play the same music as the ones in Toronto?" thereby ensuring one more non-Torontonian hates us all for the rest of their life]
Steve: Yeah, but she's ugly. Like, she has an alright body, but the face... man! What a waste...
Me: Classic butter face?
Steve: Exactly.
Me: So what is it you don't understand?
Steve: Well, she's ugly, right? So shouldn't ugly chicks be all over normal-looking guys? Shouldn't they go after me like I'd go after a hot girl?
Me: Uh, I guess...?
Steve: No, seriously... why don't ugly girls fall all over decent-looking guys? It doesn't make sense....
Me: Maybe they have their guard up more? They think you're being nice or hitting on them as part of a dare, or something?
Steve: I dunno. Like, hot girls are so much more accepting when a guy is nice to them. It's weird.
Me: Maybe they're just used to guys fawning all over them, and they use it to their advantage?
Steve: Oh, totally. Like I always want to have the hot girls in my group in school, and stuff. People tell me, "You know they're just using you," and I'm like, "Of course, I know that! I'm happy to do some extra work to be able to hang out with them more, and like, touch their leg and stuff...
Me: Or look down their shirt.
Steve: Exactly! I think I'm using them on some level, too.

Anyway, with regards to the title, I think all signs point to "Yes".

And I'm cool with that.

Let's call the whole thing off

Me: Guinness is a sponsor at Uxbridge? This could get ugly....
Sven: that sounds epic, not ugly
Me: pot-a-to, pot-ah-to...

Things need to be clarified

Last night at the pub:

Mitch: I hear John wants everyone to have a quick blow when we get to the hotel.
Me: We're still talking about bagpipes, right?
Joy: Yes, I think so... but if not, that's pretty ambitious.
Me: Yeah, especially since there are only a few girls in the band.
Joy: Well, I'm sure some of the guys can pitch in and help out, if necessary... after all, in the dark, who can tell?
Me: No guy wants to feel stubble down there. Dark or not.
Joy: Some girls have stubble, too.
Me: Not any that I'd let do that to me!

Why? Because I think you care...

I feel the urge to be clear right now. Even though my head isn't.

I've heard of the phenomenon where people are extensive bloggers, and then just as quickly lose the urge to post anything, basically moving on with their lives after getting the perceived urge to make themselves pertinent out of their system.

For whatever reason, I want to be clear that this is not the case for me. I'm just really busy. I have several posts that I just haven't completed, or haven't had the time to adequately articulate where I'm coming from, and so I haven't posted.

I'm not suggesting that anyone particularly cares whether I post or not... I'm not nearly that full of myself. I'm just saying that if you've found what I've written in the past remotely enjoyable or funny or whatever, I promise to get back to it soon. Likely next week. It's just that in terms of free time these days, I have none. Work has gotten ridiculously busy, and piping has kept my evenings hoping... so just be patient. I'll be back to distract you from your boring jobs (or whatever) just as soon as mine goes back to being appropriately boring.... deal? Deal.

Word.

Summer Finally Broke Me

I'm bad for procrastinating. Like, really bad.

How bad?

You wanna guess who just put their air conditionners in tonight?

If you guessed me, you get a cookie.

Last night was a breaking point of sorts. I got home from a weekend of massive overindulgence in everything but sleep (hopefully more on this later), and while it was near sauna-like in my apartment, I was in absolutely no mood for anything vaguely resembling manual labour. My thinking was that I was tired enough that opening all the windows to get things back to a semi-reasonable state would be adequate to get through the night.

Well, I was close.

In the wee, small hours of the morning, I was awoken by numerous sirens heading to what ended up as a four-alarm blaze just around the corner from me. Now, I had (amazingly) been sleeping rather comfortably to that point, but it was the fact that I woke up a sweaty disgusting mess that mostly kept me from going back to sleep. Of course, the power going out didn't help that much, either, as my alarm wasn't going to be of much use anymore...

Anyway, last night Mother Nature kind of made her point, and now I'm basking in my A/C like nature intended.

More Zizou Hilarity!

Here are a few more illustrated takes on the incident...

How do I keep finding these people?

Cut and pasted from my league's Hardball Dynasty Message Board:

ksforpedro
Handbaskets
7/13/2006 11:26 AM
So who signed Int. Prospect Al Izturis and for how much? I can't seem to find it anywhere.

ksforpedro
Handbaskets
7/13/2006 11:30 AM
Nevermind, I found it. 7.6million bonus. Wow.

ojo
Bullets
7/13/2006 12:50 PM
freakin 100,000 grand more than i offered. i hope he gives your team herpes.

trsnoke
River Spirits
7/13/2006 12:52 PM
That made me laugh out loud

iain
Rock City
7/13/2006 1:18 PM
herpes are funny always..... well, as long as they're someone else's....

iain
Rock City
7/13/2006 1:19 PM
....and that someone's not naked beside you.

EDIT:
trsnoke
River Spirits
7/13/2006 1:50 PM
good addition to your first comment!

Does he get it?

I've been wondering for the last little while, what with all his headlines lately, and that hosting gig on America's Got Talent (um, not that I watch it.... but I can't really give my alibi as to why I don't... just trust me on this one)...... does David Hasselhoff know he's a joke?




I ask because it seems that Billy Shatner is in on the joke. And that adds an entire level of comedy to him... because he's actually intentionally being unintentionally funny. Or at least that's what I hope. Did you see the "Rocket Man" video below? And can you honestly believe that he's in the Ambulance-Chasing Lawyer commercial because he needs the cash? He HAS to be in on it, right?

But I'm not sure The Hoff is "in" on it like Captain Kirk is... but he has to be, right? He wears a freakin' shirt that says "Don't Hassle the Hoff"!!! He barges around Wimbledom "steaming drunk", and when he gets booted bellows, "don't you know who I am?!"

Sure, he's a huge recording star in Germany (all time biggest selling, or something?), but in the rest of the world, he's just "that guy from [Knight Rider/Baywatch; please choose one, depending on your age]". He knows this, right?

Lord help us all if he doesn't.....

PS: Yes, this was just a flimsy excuse to post stupid pics of both of these guys.... I'll admit it.

...and the #1 way you can tell your desk has been a disaster for a long time:

When you finally get a morning with time to clean things up a bit, you notice that the calendar underneath is still on April.

Because, who are the Italians to let something go?

Have a blast with this little gem:

http://notizie.tiscali.it/media/flash/zidane.swf

And for those inclined to reading lips, check this out.

You can make the call...

Disturbing? Funny?

It can be two things.

Either way, it's "Fucked Up Pillow Talk" from the Tucker Max Message Board... Part 1 AND Part 2!

Natalie Portman is a Tease

...or at least the internet is, on her behalf.

Damnit.

It's amazing the difference one year can make

It was exactly one year ago this evening, sitting in Bryden's after a softball game, celebrating Resh and Paul's birthday(s) [not entirely sure on that one... is it plural? it's the same day... but they're two people, not like twins or anything....?], that Naing and DC first brought up the idea of working here.

It was that innocent comment of, "You're not happy with your job? Really? Cuz Michael's looking for a mechanical guy..." that seems to have changed everything.

The feeling of stagnation? Gone.

That ominous "Am I going to work in this shithole forever?" vibe? Gone.

I had no idea the cloud of working a crappy job could place on your entire life. I am without question a happier person now, if only because I appreciate the idea of working for a cool boss who actually appreciates what you bring to the table instead of just shitting on you and taking credit for your hard work. I love that I actually like working with the people here. I can't say that I didn't like the people I used to work with, but I didn't exactly like working with them. Does that make any sense? Now, I'm in a situation where not only do I like working with them, I'll willingly hang out with them in the evenings and on weekends, too.

Last August, I arranged an interview from an Internet Cafe near the beach in Ibiza, and everything changed.

It was a bad choice to just leap at the first thing that came along, but considering the job market in the spring of 2003, I took a chance. I lost, but oh well. It feels like I got a Mulligan on my first two years out of school, and I don't plan to waste it.

Some of the happiest people I know are the ones that took the biggest chances. If you've got the right attitude, it's hard for things not to work out.

And you know what? We're all young enough (anyone I know who reads this is still in their 20's), that even if it blows up catastrophically in our faces, we've got ample time to right the ship, and move on in another direction.

You never know... you just might like it.

Top 10 Signs You're in your mid-20's in 2006

1. Hammered off your ass, in a sketchy, sticky-floored bar, you are honestly discussing real estate.
2. When you say "I have a guy", people aren't sure if you mean for stock tips or weed.
3. You hurry to complete multi-million dollar proposals so that you can get out town early on Friday to go drinking.
4. You've never taken a sick day because you were anything but hungover, or on an impromptu roadtrip.
5. You still set an alarm so that you can call in sick (see above), as otherwise the timestamp may look suspicious.
6. You call the office in the middle of the night to advise you will not be on time the following day for "personal reasons". Translation: You will not be legally capable of driving a car until long after you'd need to get up to be on time.
7. You have a multitude of friends you only speak to when you're at work.
8. You compare portfolios and financial advisors in the same night that you get blackout drunk.
9. Your monthly beer budget outweighs your RRSP contributions, or at least you assume it does, as to actually check this might be scary. And that's not to say you don't contribute to your RRSP in a substantial/meaningful way.
10. You keep golf clubs, steel toes, a hard hat and a cooler in your car at all times. [I guess this just mostly applies to engineers... but whatever]

Things you need to know... according to me.

Like this (I don't know what to think), this (already saw it... excellent, btw) this (saw this one, too... basically a chick flick. well done, but no Summer Action Blockbuster), this (mildly intrigued), this (I can't decide if I'm bored, or honestly curious now.... I can't help but think the kid's hideous, or something...?) and this (would have been downright scandalous while Friends was on the air).

Also, I'm throwing this in here just to see if I can (thanks)...

Jays Notes

I thought it interesting that in tonight's MLB All-Star Game, each of the four Blue Jays who played (Alex Rios is still injured with some weird staph infection in his leg) were noteworthy for various reasons....

Vernon Wells started in the Outfield
Roy Halladay was (for several innings) on the hook for the loss in the game
B.J. Ryan ended up getting the win for the AL (pitching a scoreless 8th)
Troy Glaus had a double in the 9th and scored the game-winning run

Not bad for a third place team, huh?

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...

...and it's all small stuff.

That's the title of a book that I saw a guy reading when I worked for the City a few summers ago. I thought it was beyond belief. Here was a guy in about the most low-stress job imaginable, and he's reading about stress? Not to mention I already thought he was about the laziest guy I had met to that point in my life. I suspect it was a facade, and that he was reading it to make it look like his non-stress life was getting to him.

But whatever.

Point is, I don't stress. I used to joke during exams that "I don't do stress". My parents used to be amazed when I'd compete in solos at highland games, and I'd seem totally serene (granted, I was a bag of nerves on the inside, I guess I just didn't let it show). But even then, I wouldn't say I was "stressing"... I was nervous about embarrassing myself. More worried, I guess. And it was only during the exact few minutes when I was competing. Moments before or after, I was totally calm.

I only ever used to worry about exams during those few moments from when I sat down until I received the exam booklet, or whatever. Once I got a look at it, I was usually calm again. The only exam I've ever been worried about afterwards was my last exam from the first term in 4th year. That was because it was a mandatory class and I was quite sure I had blown the exam badly. It was a rough Christmas that year for a variety of reasons, but that exam didn't help. Everything turned out fine, but I think my point is that it stood out. Still stands out, really, as one of the few moments in my life that I've been honestly stressed about anything. Generally, I convince myself that it's out of my hands now, so what use is worrying about it?

Now and then, I'll admit that I'll get uptight for a few minutes, but I will almost without fail take a deep breath, think, "Okay, how do we fix this?" and go about fixing/solving things very clinically.

When I was getting my shots for going to Mexico, my doctor insisted on doing the standard blood pressure, etc. stuff. I had a busy day at work, was a bit late getting to the doctor, so I had to rush to get there. If ever there was a point that I'd have stress-induced high blood pressure (yes, even at my age.... I'm working from an extensive family history here), this would be the time.

What was it? 122 over 80. Pretty much exactly normal.

Until that point, I wasn't sure if it was just that I had a positive outlook, and thus kept a cheery mood in spite of other things, but it was nice to get incontrovertible physical evidence that I don't, in fact, stress.

Garbage Heap of Useless Information

While (kinda) watching the Home Run Derby this evening, I was reminded of this Trivial Pursuit question:

What two days of the year are the only days in which there are no major professional matches scheduled?

Answer: The day before and the day after the MLB All-Star Game.

Give it some thought, and you'll realise that it's true.

PS: Yes, I randomly recall Trivial Pursiut questions from over 10 years ago. I don't even begin to pretend I know how my mind works.

Dear Zinedine,

What the fuck were you thinking?

I know that he likely made some horrible comment about your ethnicity (nobody in their 30's reacts like that to a "momma" joke), but seriously. Are you glad that you'll now forever be "That Guy Who Got Red Carded in the World Cup Final for a Headbutt"? That's not the legacy that a player of your ability deserves.

I'm not sure that the results would have been any different, as Italy was making Fabien Barthez look like Alan Bester, but I suspect your presence on the field might have supplied your side with a little more confidence, which likely would have helped Trezeguet.

Oh well. You've made your bed, now lie in it.

Disappointedly,
Soccer (Football) Fans Everywhere

Would anyone else consider this?

Sometimes I wonder if I just think differently than most people. About 15 minutes ago, I was out to get some gas and deposit a couple of cheques, and while at the ATM, I noticed that only one of the cheques was endorsed.

What do I do?

I go across the street to a Chinese food place that's open late, walk in, grab the pen beside the cash register that they use for taking phone orders (I've been to this place many times over the years), and endorse the cheque. A very confused man watched me do this from inside the restaurant, but seemed oddly okay with my explanation.

I see absolutely nothing odd about what I did, but somehow I don't see most people considering this, much less doing it. Am I giving the average person too much (or too little) credit?

Or, to reiterate.... would anyone else consider this?

I'm sure I'm going to get a ticket for this some day

I don't seem to have any shame. Like, none.

I'm not always aware that other people are not like me. I think this came to be due to changing in a dusty field or parking lot 12-14 times a summer through my teenage years. It's not to say that I'm overly comfortable with my semi-naked body... it's just that I don't care. When I gotta change, I gotta change. So I do.

Anyway, so we had our company BBQ this afternoon (good, good times!), and as it was quasi-pot luck, my item was baked potatoes. Needless to say, I ain't bakin' no potaters... and even if I wanted to, I had band practice last night, so it wasn't really going to happen.

What to do? Go to Wendy's, and their Extra Value Menu!

So while at Wendy's, I figure, why not get into my shorts and stuff? I was wearing fairly formal attire, as I had a meeting that morning with some bidders for a job closing next week, whereas most people in the office were in shorts, etc. I had planned for this by having shorts and flip flops in my trunk, but hadn't thought far enough ahead to plan when or where I'd change. In my mind, since I was stopped anyway, Wendy's seemed like the best place. And I thought nothing of doing so in the parking lot. Apparently this was a bit forward of me.

I get to the park, and walk over to the picnic area with Gord (from the office) and his gf...

Gord: Weren't you wearing like pants and stuff at the office?
Me: Yeah, I just changed when I stopped to get these [I show off my ill gotten baked potatoes]
Gord: What do you mean? Like at Wendy's?
Me: Not exactly... more like in the parking lot.
Gord: WHAT?!? Which one were you at??
Me: You know, the one on the way here....
Gord: The one on Dixie? Man, that's like a high traffic area!
Me: I guess it is. Now that you mention it, I was right beside the Drive Thru, too.
Gord: Wow.

Maybe decorum should be looked into....

Good Times

So last night at the pub after band practice, I got talking to one fo the servers (we're friends with just about all the ones that typically work the days/nights we have practice) about the Tool concert she went to see a couple of weeks ago. Now, I tried to get to see Tool when they came through, but the fates conspired against me... and so I did not, but I was more than eager to confirm that they are, in fact as fabulous a live show as I have heard they are. Of course, the verdict came back "yes".

So, this got me thinking. They would almost certainly crack my Top Five for best concerts attended... and this got me thinking further, as to what the rest of this fictitious Top Five that I was arbitrarily thinking up would look like... I think it would go something like this:

1. U2. No discussion here. I could go to the trouble of ranking the four shows that I've seen, but that would basically make this a pretty redundant list. For the sake of argument, I can easily say that the last time I saw them (September 2005, Vertigo Tour) was the best of the four, with October 1997 (PopMart Tour, also my first time seeing them live), May 2001 (Elevation Tour), and October 2001 (also Elevation Tour) rounding out the list, in order. Why was the most recent time the best? I was on the damned floor, THREE FEET from the band. What more do you want? Oh, and they also played my all-time fave track, "Bad".
2. Limp Bizkit. This was actually part of the Summer Sanitarium Tour a couple of years back, technically headlined by Metallica, but Fred 'n the boys just blew them out of the water. Damned near blew the roof of the Skydome! Never been to something to energetic in my life. Just fucking nuts.
3. Pearl Jam. I understand that this was actually a marginal show, as it was the very first of their new tour, and so there were some mistakes, and just a general lack of polish... but if that was an average-to-bad show? Wow. Gotta see them when they're on their game! I thought it was incredible.
4. Dropkick Murphys. In Boston, in the shadow of Fenway Park, on St. Patrick's Day 2001. Fuckin' A! Just a zoo. About the only thing that can come close to the mosh pit for Limp Bizkit...
5. April Wine. Don't laugh! Okay, maybe I had been drinking all afternoon, and was convinced from "You're going to see who?" earlier in the day to buying a t-shirt after the show... but these old dudes can still rock. I don't care about the beer guts and that it was at the Cocamo, full of sketchy townies. The show was great!

Honourable Mentions from the Piping World:

Simon Fraser University Pipe Band. Saw them at Massey hall a couple of years back, when they were fresh off one of their recent World Championships. Wow. Just an incredible band sounding incredibly good. They can do things as a band that most pipers can't do on their own, in terms of finger technique.

Also, before I joined them, Peel Police used to have a guest piper come over from Scotland to perform as a featured player at a concert series they had going in the early-to-mid '90s. In 1994 they have Alasdair Gillies, who is one of the most dynamic pipers I have ever heard. Again, just wow. Normally you only get a chance to hear some of these "big guys" in contests, where they tend to have to button it down a bit, but he really let it all hang out, and it was fucking fabulous. Originally from Scotland, he now teaches at Carnegie-Mellon university in Pittsburgh.

A few years later, I heard arguably the best solo piping performance I have ever heard in a contest from Stuart Liddell of Inverarry, Scotland, and currently playing with SFU. I can hardly put the perfection he attained into words. His pipe was immaculate, blown perfectly, and the degree of subtlety and control in his fingering and phrasing is as close to ideal as I have ever heard in person, or anywhere for that matter. Just a masterful performance.

Now that I've prattled on about piping and bored you all to tears, I'm going to stop typing.

Word.

Celebrity Grab Bag!

If you're the type that likes a good trainwreck, check this out.

If I've deeply concerned you, and you're a male or non-traditional female, please go here and we'll call it even.

If you're a traditional female or non-traditional male, I guess you can just punch me next time I see you.

I'm pretty comfortable giving 99% of that demographic a free shot. I guess I'll just roll the dice on that last 1%...

Even a blind pig can still find a truffle now and then, right?

Now, I normally find ESPN.com's Jason Whitlock borderline retarded in his lame attempts at humour.... but wow. I think he might really be onto something. You might want to scroll past his brainless preamble to just get to his list of potential televised contests, but it's even tolerable for a change.

Tell me you wouldn't want to see some of that on TV...

A little SAT-style word association....

I've long thought that Maxim and Cosmo are basically the same magazine, just aimed at difference genders.

They both have gorgeous women on the cover (though admittedly, Cosmo's a little more tastefully done), and give funny stories and advice on the inside. Granted, the specific content is mostly skewed towards the particular gender for which the magazine is aimed, but I'm pretty sure there's something in there for everyone.

They also both have far more entertaining UK versions.

Back in the day (i.e.: Second Year) when I lived with Melissa, we used to both pick up our gender appropriate magazine, read them, and trade. Like advanced scouting on the opposite sex, I guess. I'm not sure I've ever really admitted to this in an open forum before... Oh well.

My point? I think in this little Blogosphere of ours here, there are equivalents, hence the SAT reference in the title to this post.

In my mind:

Tucker Max is to The Bunny (a.k.a. Erin Tyler), as Maxim is to Cosmo... right down to the fact that they actually reference one another semi-regularly. Although to my knowledge, the editors from the magazines have never dated.

I'm not totally sure how Maddox fits into this, or why I don't link to The Bunny Blog, but I just felt that this little nugget needed to be aired.

So there.

What would you do?

(with thanks from Justin)

Scenario:

You are traveling in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
double decker bus and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at
the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the
same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Click on "Comments" for the answer...

Not sour grapes... I promise.

Is it just me, or is Amelie Mauresmo more masculine than Cristiano Ronaldo? You decide....



































Okay, maybe it's sour grapes.

Just maybe....

But you do have to admit...............

The Importance of Details

Self-Important vs. Self-Indulgent

That's the ultimate question when it comes to blogging and the "blogosphere".

Does one write a blog because they think their opinion matters? Or because they just have an opinion, and they can?

When it comes right down to it, it almost has to be a bit of both... with a bit of procrastination thrown in there.... but I can honestly say that I really just use this space (as the subtitle suggests) to spew out the crap that fills my brain, and empty it out somehow. I wish I was kidding. At the risk of sounding like a complete schizo, you don't want to know the volume of disjointed thoughts that bounce around in my head every day. I actually find writing here somewhat cathartic in that it actually allows me to focus on other parts of my life. I guess that's why, for the most part, what I write is pretty random. I don't really write about work, or hobbies, or whatever personal crap is going on, because I want to be able to give those their due time. I write here about all the other stuff that occupies my mind. Clean house, if you will.

You may have noticed that I can be somewhat sporadic in my posting, as in I can go a few days at a time without posting much of consequence, and then just have a flurry of seemingly random and unrelated topics appear. Sometimes that has to do with computer access, but more often than not, I just don't have anything to say. I was really scrambling for a couple of weeks there, but this weekend was spent with some of my more stimulating friends, and with conversations ranging from a comparitive discussion of Missionaries vs. the formation of the British Commonwealth vs. the current US occupation of Iraq and their perhaps not totally different goals, to why there aren't more pink Cadillacs in Macton, ON, to a discussion regarding how Harrington's Theory can be broken down to a matter of one person dividing up the lunches, and the other chooses which one to eat, and even the ultimate line of the weekend.

In short, if I get in a rut, I have little to say. Call it a bit of motivation to keep life interesting?

All that said, it occurs to me.... I have little-to-no idea who reads this thing. Seriously. I know many of whom who read it, but I find out pretty regularly that there are people who either don't, or never knew about it... and seeing as I'm one of those types to try and keep my nerdiness to myself for the most part, you won't often see me trying to pick up a girl with the URL to my blog. Just not gonna happen (and those four words are applicable on several levels to that scenario).

Really, it comes down to the fact that I really treat this as a forum for things I need to get off my chest, regardless of the audience... well, to some degree. Obviously with some people at work glancing here now and again, I have to keep it somewhat on the up-and-up.

But, what's the point?

I guess the main thrust here is that I'd like even those of you who are very close to me to perhaps learn something about what makes me tick. I like to consider myself somewhat multi-faceted, and it's really only a handful, if any, of my friends that are really aware of everything that goes on in my life and my head...

Okay, maybe I'm more of the first one than I thought........

And the "Semi-Charmed Life Award"...

...for "Most Overtly Sexual Lyrics to Somehow Make it Past the Sensors", tonight being presented by past winner, and Third Eye Blind frontman, Stephen Jenkins.

And the aware goes to...... {drum roll} ... T.I.! For his track "Why U Wanna".

Some highlights include:

i wanna kiss u everywhere between ya knees and waist
hear the sounds that u make and get ya knees to shake

and...

so how u keep sayin no when ya panties so wet?

Like, seriously... the dude's not even trying to be subtle!

No longer an only child?

Could it be? Well, no... not technically. But I still somehow get the feeling I've been replaced. And not just replaced, but replaced by something that I have to go out of my way to just be in the same room as!

In short, my parents now have a cat.

His name is Cam... and as you can see, he is painfully adorable. However, for how cute this lil' guy is, I am equally allergic to him.

Me: You know I'm allergic to cats, right?
Mum: Yeah.... but isn't it just when you touch them, or pick them up?
Me: No.. it's actually gotten a lot worse. In fact, when you guys left on Wednesday, I got itchy when I went to lie on the couch where you had been sitting. I assume that was due to the cat hair [dander? whatever... I'm not a doctor] on your clothing.
Mum: Oh.

Nice to know I'm still at the forefront of their minds!

That said, I kinda saw this all coming from a while back. Indulge me. Or just don't read on, whatever...

Last summer, my parents were at the cottage, and while my dad's out in the shop, this cat wanders in. Now, my dad has specifically hated cats for as long as I can remember... which I was totally cool with, for reasons noted about. He always thought they were aloof, and the neighbourhood cats used to pee in our flower boxes, so that pissed him off. But this one came right up to him, and meowed. But not like the normal, cute meow. This was apparently quite the "Hello, you're going to pay attention to me now" kind of "Meow!" And this cat proceeded to nuzzle his feet, going between his feet as he tried to walk, and basically making a nuissance of himself. Somehow this came off as charming. So he goes and gets the cat a saucer of milk (how cliché!). Needless to say, the cat wouldn't leave at this point. "Food AND attention?!? I'm in!"

But, my mum did point out that this was a full grown cat, and while it didn't have any tags, or anything, it was likely someone's. So she went and asked around and stuff... nothing. They didn't want to bring the cat inside that night, mostly due to a lack of appropriate litter box substitute, and so they figured the cat would leave and go home overnight.

Nope. He was there bright and early watching them eat breakfast through the sliding door.

Anyway, so they're thinking to themselves, "I guess we have a cat, now.... let's name him." No sooner had they settled on Cam (I guess this makes the new kitten Cam II, but whatever), as two 10 or 11 year old girls from around the corner come by. Turns out it was their cat.

Well, fastforward to last weekend. My parents are out doing yard work, or whatever, and they see something dive in under the shed. They go to look and see what it was. Turns out it was a little cat. Well, kitten, I guess. There seemed to be crows after the little guy! So they lure him out with milk and some sardines, and I guess the rest is history.

Note to self: Next time you visit your parents, take Claritin. Lots of it.

This year's "Let's get it Started" Award

...for most blatant editing of lyrics to make the song playable on the radio:

And the winner is: Busta Rhymes, for his song "I love my chick"!

[If you don't know what I'm talking about, compare this to this]

Busta, please come up to get your award... the presenters this evening are past winners the Black Eyed Peas, having won for thier bastardisation of "Let's Get Retarded" which is the namesake of this award.

Also this evening, we are pleased to present a lifetime achievemet award in this category, to be presented postumously to Proof, formerly of D12, for his role in the "writing" of their smash radio hit "Purple Hills" (for comparison).

Down to the End

Before we get too far into how completely and utterly wrong I was about most of the last round, I have to say that there is almost no scenario that Christiano Ronaldo can go back to Man U. after being such a cunt with Rooney, and basically screwing England on that cheap shit stuff. Apparently he might be headed to Real Madrid, but we'll have to see. I just can't picture he and Wayne getting along too well anymore.....

Okay, upon further reflection, maybe I wasn't that far off (2 out of 4), but the England loss was pretty painful, and the France victory had to be a shock. Granted, it was a similar game to the 1998 final, but I couldn't find anyone who honestly thought it'd be a repeat in terms of result, too!

I'll admit it. I'm basically cheering for a Germany-France final, in which case the home side should beat the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, and I will make several war-related jokes in poor taste.

What to do?

Me (on phone): Hey, man... sorry I missed you... I was screaming down the 401 at about a buck-forty, with my windows down and the tunes cranked, drinking a coffee. I saw you called, but there wasn't much I could do about it.
Justin: No worries... we've all been there.

Oh, right...

Around midnight...
Jenna (on phone with Kev): Yeah, we're just drinking for no reason...
Me: Wait... isn't it Canada Day?
Jenna: Right! We're celebrating Canada Day!

Around 4am...
Jenna: We're really just emptying the liquor cabinet for no reason, huh?
Me: Is it still Canada Day?
Jenna (looking at watch): Not really...
Me: I say it's still Canada Day until we go to bed!
Jenna: Excellent!

I remained Canada Day for another 5 hours........

I went to Malibu.

It was nothing like the rum.