Normal People Just Don't Seem to Have Days Like This

Ever have one of those moments where you find yourself saying, "Why do things like this always happen to me?"

Or how about days where you find yourself repeating that exact phrase again and again?

BUT! Not necessarily always in a bad way? As if perhaps the great cosmic karma is somehow just fucking with you?

Today was one of those days in my life.

Started off innocently enough as I wished my parents well as I headed off to work. Except while my mum was busy being normal, I had to yell through the closed door of the bathroom to bid my dad farewell. I can only assume he was dropping a deuce.... good times.

I start on my way to work. The car seems to be pulling a bit. Meh, whatever. I go through some construction and get to Timmy's. As this particular Timmy's doesn't have a drive through, I parked. [Note: not my normal one, as I was going to a construction site this morning - trust me, to get my regular business, you need to have a drive-thru] On my way to my spot, I hit a sewer grate with a KA-CHUNK... I think to myself, "That's not good... but I'm going to need coffee before I can deal with this."

I come back out, and the front passenger side tire looked a little soft. Maybe a lot soft, but struck me as drivable. I climb in and drive a bit further..... this is not right. I pull into a parking lot and get out a few blocks later. Yeah, upon closer inspection (not to mention a mouthfull of coffee), it's flat. Bugger...

Now, it's not like I've never changed a tire before. In fact, this was like the third or fourth time, but previously, they've all been parked and I noticed it before I had to drive anywhere, thereby allowing me to be dressed appropriately.... and while I don't wear a tie to work anymore, I'm not exactly in old jeans, either. Damnit.

Whatever, I take the donut the rest of the way to work. I get there a bit later than planned (obviously), but not "late" per se.... after a few annoying, but not particularly interesting, things there, I take off back to the office around lunch time. Problem? Stupid donut's not supposed to go on highways. They're also not supposed to be driven for long (I think they screw up the alignment), not to mention the fact my new car was driving like a fucking shopping cart with that little motherfucker on it. I even had to turn off the traction control cuz when I turned left, it would kick in because of the differential of rotation being so significant... stupid donut.

Anyway, I take it into the first Crappy Tire I can find... just need this shit fixed. 30 or 40 motherfucking minutes later, these dopes come out and tell me I need to replace the tire. Turns out the sidewalls were fucked (likely from my stupid attempt to drive on in - living proof I'm easily 20 IQ points dumber before I have a coffee). Added bonus? They don't carry this type of tire. Fortunately, there's a Mazda dealership near work, so I just start heading there... but on the way I stop to get some gas. Guy yells out at me, and starts trying to sell me speakers. Out of the back of his minivan. Now, this is a relatively common gimmick, but I've never given the guy more than a cold "no", which usually gets me left alone.

Not this time.

I play interested.. okay, maybe I was a little bit, after my buddy Brian did, in fact, buy speakers under similar circumstances, and I've heard that it's actually a legit deal.... but I've also heard about people buying carboard boxes with bricks in 'em. Anyway, I'm curious as to the spiel, and I'm in need of a good laugh after sitting for half a fucking hour to be told there's nothing they can do..... the guys gets into it, and without really even trying, I get him down from $600 apiece to $100 each. At this point, when I tried to walk away, he started carrying them over to my freaking car! Okay, I've had my fun... enough is enough......

Anyway, I get to the dealership near work, and turns out they have a matching tire. Thank fucking Christ.... but it's $295+tax. I hate this shit sometimes. But whatcha gonna do? I've got three near-brand new tires (got a new set when I got the car). At least the rim didn't need replacing, right?

So I'm back at the office. I overhear something... no, it can't be....... Naing and Anand come over and ask, "So, Iain... are you busy tomorrow night?"

"Well, maybe... but should I be trying to change my plans?"
"If we said we had Raptors tickets, would you chance your plans?"
"Hells ya!"
"Then change your plans, man... we got 4 tickets from [a supplier]. The three of us and Dave are going."
"Fucking A!"

And so my day came full circle.


PS: As an added creepy bonus, I kept hearing more and more about this story as the day wore on. To connect the dots, I drove on that particular stretch of highway like 5 or 6 times during my trip to Cali in the fall... and potentially will be again this fall. Just crazy.....

Stupid Weather

There are few things in this world I hate more than being caught in the rain when it's no really raining. Heavy downpour? Meh, whatever... there's no way around that, but when it's only slightly more than a drizzle? Ugh.. you're not really wet, but you're not really dry anymore, either. And I hate the middle ground....

There is, however, one exception: When you're running outside. Last night the last 10-15 minutes of my run, there was a light rain, and it was actually pretty refreshing. That said, Mother Nature had better not make a habit of it...

Partners in Crime

So with Thursday practices starting, I couldn't help but think back to last summer, when Lynda and I used to close the place down. It worked out well, as while she had and hour's drive home, and mine is just a matter of minutes, she started work an hour later than I did on Friday mornings, so neither of us could really play the "but I have to go to work tomorrow" card any more than the other. So we didn't.

This year, however, being newly engaged, she tends to scoot out of the pub after only a drink or so... and really would could blame her? I am currently in the process of auditoning new partners in crime, and so far there is a front runner, but having a job that requires her to be there for 8am could put a cramp in the plan (although it didn't yesterday). We'll see how this plays out. The fact that I stay late at work on Thursdays tends to make my (slightly) late arrivals on Friday more understandable... which is always good.

(thoughts processing)

(making small realizations)

(wait for it...)

(waaaaaiiiiiiiiiiitttt for it............)

Okay, fine... I guess I'm a barfly..... but that doesn't mean I *have* to just chill with the bartender.. does it?

Ah! Fresh air!

So this past Sunday, the band practiced outside for the first time.

It was about 25º in TO, and I got a little pink in the process, but it was great. And also the first sign that the competition season isn't too far off.

The second sign is that we're starting Thursday practices tonight. And, for the second year running, I'm going to get to miss the last few episodes of one of my favourite shows. In fact, fucking Thursday practices are the reason I mostly watched Seinfeld and Friends in re-runs.... I was never home all through high school! (I was with a band that had practices on Thursdays throughout the year, rather than the typical Sundays I've now grown accustomed to)

Let me just give Cheers a retroactive shake of the fist for making Thursdays a premium TV night...

I remember the day....

You know, it's funny.... I've covered before how I tend to remain friends (given a certain amount of "time off") with exes, and often we actually become close again (Steve and I disagree entirely on this point... he prefers the "clean break", whereas I tend to think I must have enjoyed their company in the first place, right?), but sometimes it's too soon, and you end up back together...

Elaine: David and I will not get back together.

Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

Elaine: That's really beautiful.

Anyway, aside from that... and there's no way to really say this without sounding conceited, but I'm also typically the person who finally knocks over the proverbial Coke machine, while not necessarily the one who gives it the first push. I have to say that when roles are reversed, it's a lot harder to give that whole "friend" thing a chance, especially when it was one of those times where you kinda get blindsided... and perhaps moreso for being the kind of person who relives everything......

And I remember the day when you left for Santa Monica
You left me to remain with all your excuses for everything
And I remember the time when you left for Santa Monica
And I remember the day you told me it's over

That's not to say I'm not willing to try.

PS: Yes, I am aware of the preponderance of song lyrics and quotes lately... get over it.

Life of a Loner

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
-Green Day

Its hard to believe
That theres nobody out there
Its hard to believe
That Im all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
-Red Hot Chili Peppers

You know something funny? I heard both of those songs on my way out to the church to play my pipes tonight, and while I certainly don't consider myself a lonely person, it kinda struck me how they ring somewhat true in my life. Aside from work and bagpipes, I don't really spend a lot of time with many people.

It's not that I don't have people to see.... while not overly large, I have a loving (if insane) family, and many friends all over the place. And it's not that I don't like people, or anything (contrary to the title of this blog, I guess?) I just more often than not choose not to see them... for whatever reason.

I've always kinda known I was a loner. I've never felt the overwhelming need to have people around. In fact, I often have the exact opposite feeling, where I just need to be alone. This will most often come after a cottage party, or other forced intimate experience, but at the same time, I'm always on MSN or Facebook, and have an almost compulsively quick turnaround time on emails and txts, regardless of who or what it's about. That's partially because my mind is a freakin' sieve, but that's neither here nor there....

To close, a quote from one of the great anthropological minds of our day:

Dante Hicks: You hate people!

Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Well, that was a waste of an hour a week for the last month or so....

Okay, so I know I promised I wouldn't bring up that Search for the Next Doll show again, but I also had no idea they were going to fuck it up quite so badly.

Damnit.

Like, I know the Dolls aren't exactly the Supremes, and that it's obviously more about style than substance... and that's kinda the point. There's only one of the forty-seven of them that actually sings, but Nicole's also the one that gets the most screen time, so I'm okay with that. She has that ability to make me stop flipping past any given channel at any given time.

Now? I might speed up.

Of the final three, there is no doubt in my mind that Asia was the most detestable. Chelsea was without question my favourite, but I knew she had no chance cuz she's a questionable dancer... oh well, but at least Melissa R. had a chance, right? Apparently not. From the moment the songs were given out, you could tell who they wanted to win (Asia was the only one that got an "up tempo" tune).

Random note: I finally got the chance to figure out whether Chelsea was an Amazon, or the others were just tiny.... turns out the others are borderline midgets and she's normal sized. Normal sized, and just adorable. I really really hope she gets signed somewhere... I can't think of another word that even comes close to describing her, so I'm just going to call her adorable again.

That's it... I'm swearing off this Reality TV bullshit... they never pick the people I like, so fuck 'em......

NEW FROM APPLE

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breasts as implants. The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

I say stuff mostly to amuse myself, but it's nice when it amuses other people, too....

I can't be bothered to explain this, but in the make believe baseball world that I waste time with, there's a forum where all the owners of teams can chat, talk smack, and generally bitch at each other... I realise this is beyond nerdy, but it's fun to swear at people you don't know... and sometimes there's stuff that just makes me lol...... two examples:


iain Canucks 4/20/2007 1:41 PM
Why do they keep showing my player's weight in the boxscore under "Avg."...? Oh, that's actually his batting average? Sh!tty.....

***

mitchrapp Ice Nuts 4/25/2007 12:43 PM
Mike, I'll be gone for the afternoon so could you sitemail me the insults. I don't want to miss anything.

MikeT23 Pit Boss 4/25/2007 12:46 PM
OK, you can leave. You have my permission. Pick me up a six-pack and a Sport Illustrated while you're shoe shopping.

jfja76 Mets 4/25/2007 12:49 PM
ha good one mike

iain Rock City 4/25/2007 12:53 PM
don't forget to cup the balls, Mets....

jfja76 Mets 4/25/2007 12:54 PM
what?

iain Rock City 4/25/2007 12:55 PM
nevermind

mumcoach Cleavage 4/25/2007 1:04 PM
I caught your message there, iain. Nice.


PS: Yes, this post was for the two people I know would laugh at this stuff....

Today's Entry from....

... the "Only Funny If You Don't Have Kids" file.

A Modest Proposal

Driving in to work this morning, I had a wonderful idea....

All (indoor) places of business need to shut down when the outside temperature is between 18ºC and, say, 25ºC. This would allow those of us otherwise confined to being indoors the vast majority of the time to actually enjoy the gorgeous weather we are having right now.

Why only 25ºC as the upper limit? Well, be honest.... once it hits the high 20's and into the 30's, you don't want to do much, and really, coming into work where it's air conditionned isn't half bad.

Feel free to offer kudos and treat the comments section as some sort of petition...

Yes, this actually happened

Me: Well, it's not so bad, it's not even 9:30 yet... oh, wait... it's after 9:30. Sorry, your phone was backwards.
Justin: Huh?
Me: Well, by phone, I mean watch.
Justin: And by backwards, you mean upside down?
Me: Uh, yeah....

Today

If you're going to fry your brain just a little bit (more) today, at least add some new, and pertinent, information from Wikipedia.... don't, you know, forget how to drive or brush your teeth...

So apparently because we hate him, and he did it, it becomes wrong?

No, I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with Vince Carter taking off the morning of Game 7 of the Eastern Semis in 2002 to get his degree from the University of North Carolina. The idea that any basketball game (regardless of the fact that it was - oooooh! - the playoffs) should take precedent over education under any circumstances is ridiculous. In contrast, I would actually suggest that the fact he went back to complete his degree after leaving for the NBA having only completed three years, and was now financially set for life should be applauded.

I covered why I dislike Vince below, but attending his convocation the morning before playing a basketball game five years ago is not one of them.

And I thought she was hot before...

There is a new MLB.com blogger, who might just prove to be the boss of them all....

Yum!



-thanks to FJM for the tip....

Oh, right... the playoffs.....

I totally spaced on them. No, really.... I haven't watched so much as a single period of playoff hockey to-date, and I'm not sure I care.

It seems everyone else is getting into it, from a quick perusal of my MSN list, I see several people emploring their local teams with the standard "GO [insert team of choice here] GO!", or even some venom towards certain teams or players they're cheering against ("Fuck Bertuzzi!")

Honestly? I'm getting far more enjoyment from watching the Raptors and the Blue Jays. Why, you ask? I actually kinda like baseball and basketball better. That's not to say I don't like hockey, I guess I'm just particularly apathetic this year. Which it seems is tantamount to blasphemy in these here parts.

Oh well....

Bring out the Gimp!

So on a slightly more masculine note, last night the Raptors found out for sure that as the #3 seed in the East, they'd be playing the New Jersey Nets in the first round.

What does that have to do with a creepy Pulp Fiction reference? The Nets' star player is none other than all-time crybaby and general whiny bitch for the ages: Vince Carter.

And while this....


... was just plain cool, the way he sulked his way out of Toronto, sabotaging any possibility of getting reasonable trade value (they practically gave him away for some spare parts and other assorted crap) kind of soured me on the whole Vinsanity thing.

He is basically Public Enemy #1 in terms of basketball, and I can't wait to see what what the Raps will do to the Nets, especially CB4, who Carter lamented even drafting shortly before he set up shop on the DL and basically fucked the Raptors for the last 3 seasons.

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!

Halleluja!!

The fucker's gone... and in theory I could start watching American Idol again. I'm not going to, but I don't need to flip past it like there's a small chance I'll see a kitten drowned if I hesitate on FOX for long, so that's good, right?

For the record, I really haven't been watching... Andrew's gf called while we were out piping last night and told him the results.

In other news, LaKisha was apparently in the fabled "Bottom Three"... and in the words of a friend of mine when we were lamenting the fact that there weren't really any hot chicks left on the show (I had briefly forgotten about Jordin, who is actually pretty cute... statutory rulings aside), and he said, "Yeah, LaKisha? Why don't they just call her 'Food Stamps'?"

Another "Wow, I'm getting old(er)" Moment

So over the weekend, I flip by MuchMoreMusic, and stop (which is probably an "I'm getting old(er)" moment in and of itself, but whatever) when I see Chris Cornell is being interviewed. He has long lost his crazy hair from the Temple of the Dog (another subject entirely... the idea that two of the biggest bands of the grunge age were once the same band is insane) and early Soundgarden days, but he was still rockin' pretty hard (in my mind) with Audioslave, who while formulaic, had many familiar sounding Soundgarden and Rage riffs, and thus had a special place in the mind of this early-90's rocker. But now Chris is on to his "solo" stuff, and wow.. the dude has mellowed.

He was talking about stuff like how he used to find dark, secluded places (both literally and figuratively) to write, while now he writes with his kids running around, and enjoys that much more, as he is able to express himself as an artist without going through some horrible personal turmoil. Which, I guess, is good from his personal standpoint, and that of his family, but after hearing some of his new music, it's not the best thing for the fans he may have retained from past incarnations.

Maybe it was because it was on MMM, but man.. this was a low key show. Musically sound, but very low-energy. He even did Temple of the Dog's "Hunger Strike" (singing both his and Eddie Vedder's part, with one of the guitarists helping in the chorus) without really releasing the energy from that track.

Anyway, getting back to the title, it was slightly jarring to see one of the harder rockers from your youth maturing, talking about his kids, and generally settling comfortably into middle age... especially when it's this you remember:

Monday Food Funnies

So this morning, one of my co-workers sent this to everyone:


He called the Popeye's near work, and confirmed that it's legit.

Following that, a few minutes ago another guy (who is Trinidadian, which becomes an important point in two sentences) came by saying, "Man, I'd have thought you guys would be in line at Popeye's by now for sure!"

Some lame excuses about having brought lunch and early afternoon meetings ensued, until he cut us off with, "Well, that's probably better, cuz I'm surprised you can't see brown people lined up from here! You say free fried chicken, that'll cause a riot!!"

We went on to discuss how I actually prefer KFC, since if I'm going to eat badly, I'm not going to screw around.... and he brought up that apparently people are going to start thinking they're eating healthily at KFC, as their new ad campaign points out that they no longer use trans fats. Aside from the fact that lots of other foods have no trans fats, and that doesn't make them "healthy" (Doritos have "0 Trans Fats!", but are hardly comparable to an apple) that's still funny.

He then went on to metion some show he was watching with his brother, when the host suggested that to make sure you're "eating healthy", you should eat 7 different colours every day... to which his brother quipped, "How many people do you figure are heading out to buy Skittles right now?"

Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money....

This might begin to explain why everyone wants to be a professional athelete.

While that's not to say normal people can't pull this shit off, it's just way easier when you're rich and famous.... but then again, so are most things, I guess.

I love it when my friends procrastinate!

3.14 Apple Pi

My Whole Family...

-thanks Brie!

You just can't get away from this shit

Okay, so I've been on my American Idol hiatus because of the Sanjaya fiasco, and I just heard that one of the more likely reasons to tune back in is now long gone.... the lovely Haley was booted off last night.

I just don't see myself giving a shit anymore about a show where the two hottest people left are guys......

PS: Yes, this was basically just an excuse to search for pictures of her before she fades back into oblivion. Or, as Mike Tyson once said, "Bolivia".

Signs I'm Getting Old(er?)

As a sports fan, one of the easiest ways to become aware of the passing of time is via non-injury retirements.

Today, I heard Drew Bledsoe is retiring, and it scared me because I clearly remember him being drafted by the Patriots in 1993, as he was now a third top tier QB in the AFC East to go with Jim Kelly in Buffalo and my boy Danny Marino in Miami.

Ugh. What a way to jump start a raining Thursday.......

The jury is still out on this one....

I'm still trying to figure out where on the "Good Naked/Bad Naked" this falls.

It has elements of crouching, coughing and straining to open a pickle jar that might put it on the "Bad Naked" side of the line, but also has a certain level of quasi-lesbian activity, which kinda out paces naked hair brushing on the Good Naked Scale.

I'm gonna need some time to figure this out....

I don't want to overstate anything...

...but this might actually be the greatest thing since sliced bread:

The Hangover Pillow

Hangover pillow
This pillow are used by traditional healers to cure headaches, purify polluted minds, promote mental alertness and concentration, treat nausea. Restore strength and courage, and ward off evil spirits.
Tuck your hangover pillow anong your bed pillows to inhale scents while sleeping. Knead pillow softly to awaken scent. Your hangover pillow will remain pungent for up to 6 months after the packaging is removed, depending on climate conditions. Boost with essential oils.
Ingredients: Juniperus indica, Foeniculum vulgate, Brassica rapa, menthe piperita.

My only quibble might be: "restore... courage"? really? Isn't the fallout from the liquid courage the night before usually what you need to be alert in order to fix in the moring?

I made it

Sorta on time. Not late, certainly. And not bad considering I was reading until 3

Actually, the nice thing this morning is that when my alarm went off at 7, I was just about at that point for the last couple of weeks where I would wake up in the middle of the night, so I was able to get up fine

That still didn't stop me from hitting six snoozes, tho.....

Note To Self:

Don't get on Jimmy Kimmel's bad side......

Like, wow. Dude's got some chops for the interview game, doesn't he?


PS: Yes, I know what time it is... I actually just did my weekly grocery shopping because I'm an anti-social weirdo....... and also because everything was closed for Easter when I got home Sunday and I don't know what I've been eating in the meantime. In fact, how about I post as soon as I get to work tomorrow to prove that it doesn't matter if or when I sleep? Deal? Deal.

Screw you, sleep.... I actually think I'm going to go read now.

PPS: Reason #682 I should move to Hollywood. Oh, you mean the title of the article isn't a promise? Shit. :(

Why they're not the Raptors

Several times a week, John Derringer on Q107 has Bill Waters on his show to talk about various things, as they are both pretty well-rounded types and have a lot of strong opinions. However, since we're talking about the Bill Waters that you likely see on various hockey shows, the conversation tends to drift to the good ol' hockey game.....

Anyway, being who he is, Billy has a certain insider's edge to most talk about the Leafs, but in particular, to the inner workings of MLSE.

This morning he was making the point that it might not really be JFJ's fault that things are quite so fucked up in Leaf Land. Take the Toronto Raptors, as an illustration....

The Richard and Larry show at MLSE was treating the Raps as their own private toy, and managed to fuck them up so badly, it was laughable.... complete with the puppet regimes under the last couple of GMs that the Leafs are currently enjoying. Well, what happened that caused the Raps to go from doormat to (as of this writing) the 3rd seed in the East? Simple. They hired someone who knew his asshole from a hole in the ground (Bryan Colangelo) and when he told them to back the fuck off or he'd walk, they did.

Really, one could argue that the Raps didn't even have as many pieces in place as the Leafs do now. I'm not suggesting that they have the next incarnation of the Sabres, but maybe trying to get a hold of one of the architects of one of the "new NHL" powers, much like the Raps got Colangelo from the Phoenix Suns, where he had built a team that is currenly one of the favourites to win the NBA Championship, even a year after he left (seriously.. taking that team over had to be a joke... JUST DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING, DAMNIT!!), might not be a bad place to start, huh?

It's not like they don't have the makings... they have some young, mobile defencemen (White, Colaiacovo, Wozniewski)... some quick forwards with some touch around the net (Pohl, Stajan, Steen, Ponikarovsky, Wellwood).... a star goalie waiting in the wings (Pogge). It's just that they kinda have the Old Guard (Sundin and Tucker most notably) standing in their way. Personally, I think McCabe and Kaberle are a gray area, in that they are wildly overpaid, but still rather useful. Sundin is far more useful as a leader, but at half the price would be easier to swollow. The Raycroft/Aubin platoon is nothing more than a method for keeping the goalie position warm for young Pogge to mature into the first star goalie the Leafs have produced since Felix Potvin...

I have no idea about any other prospects, but the odds of there being any are slim, as seriously.... you'd think that with the odds of a blind pig finding a truffle, they'd have found something useful by now........

Okay. That's enough Leafs talk. We now return you to your regularly scheduled bitching and moaning....

Easter Eggstravaganza!

Okay, so I was going to write some long post about how great my Easter weekend was, and how I got to do all these great things, but I'll be honest. It just comes off with me sounding like I'm going on and on about how much I love my fucking life. Which I do, but seriously... who wants to read that? And it makes me feel like an ass writing it, anyway, for some reason...

That said, there was some really cool shit that went down....

I actually got to spend a fair amount of time with my parents, but also with regular airings to go see other people. In other words, I got to enjoy seeing them, without spending enough time together that we were fighting. We got to talk about all kinds of stuff, into the wee small hours of the morning, and enjoyed the magical self-filling fridge and liquor cabinet.

Friday, I got to go visit my buddy Chris who, as some of you may know, is currently all but bedridden at his dad's place, which is turns out is only about 35 minutes from my parents' place! So I dropped over to see him and ended up staying for supper. Great to see him, but unfortunate at the same time as he was supposed to be back in the UK before his snowboarding mishap. You know those types of people who just seem to exude positive energy? Chris is without doubt one of those people, and it was truly inspiring to see that he has been able to keep his positive outlook on life through this. I'm actually looking forward to the idea that we'll be living in the same place this fall for the first time since his world traveling odyssey began a few years back.

Saturday was just plain cool. First, it seems my cousin has bought a house. Very cool. Secondly, that night my dad and I went to the Ottawa Branch of the Piper's Society, as they had a professional contest, followed by a small recital by the judge, who also just happened to be my former piping teacher. The contest was only slightly unimpressive, as Ottawa isn't exactly a piping hotbed, but damn... the show Bob put on afterwards, complete with little stories about how he wrote certain tunes for various occasions, and such. The funny part about that was a kinda realized that the story telling was familiar, and I finally figured it out: He practices his schtick on his students! Anyway, we (my dad and I) got to talk to him for a while, and I had forgotten that he's actually retiring this spring! If you thought he did a lot of traveling for piping seminars, workshops, judging, recitals and stuff before, holy crap.... he's certainly not slowing down and easing into retirement, that's for sure.

After that, my dad dropped me off at Patty Boland's for the much ballyhooed Birthday-Engago-bration, celebrating both Pat and Melissa's birthdays last week (on the 4th and 1st respectively), but as one might expect from the name, their recent engagement. Which, while it came as a surprise to almost no one (kidding!), is still a big deal. :) As Patty was there, we also got to iron out a few excellent details about our trip to Windsor for Ian and Maya's wedding in May.

Getting picked up by my dad at about 9:30 Sunday morning lended a decidedly high school flavour, but on the drive home, I guess my pallor betrayed me, as just before popping in last year's World Pipe Band Championships CD he asked, "...or is it too early in the morning for bagpipes?" It was not, but I appreciated the gesture.

Finally, if there was any doubt at Christmas, it has been removed. Porter Air is the fucking balls. Brand new planes, and free everything. The only drawback is that you're only in the air for a total of like 50-55 minutes, so you kinda have to hammer your beer down between the ascent/descent part of the trip. Also, when you're late (less than 20 minutes before take off, and you're still waiting for the ferry) they call over and ask if you're there... they then have your boarding pass waiting for you when you get off the ferry, and you just walk right on to the plane. Good times.

Hi, I'm Stephen Colbert, and I'll be taking over the world...

Seriously.

What is he NOT hooked up with?

At least now when he says "bite me", you can gladly do so.

Bah!

I go away and spend ONE weekend without cable, and this is how the Hockey Gods repay me?

Fuckers.

I had actually gotten myself into a position where I was hoping for an OT win by the Leafs so that both Montreal and Toronto would make the playoffs.

Why? Well, Montreal making it is obvious: They're my team. But somehow this season I've begun to NOT actively hate the Leafs. I've even stopped doing that (sic) thing to bemoan the fact that the plural of Leaf would be Leaves... but that's neither here nor there, and may or may not be slightly based on laziness.

How is such a transformation possible, you ask? Well, part of it is that DC has gotten me into listening to The FAN 590 (Toronto Sportstalk Radio) in the car, and well.... it's hard not to know about the Leafs under those circumstances, ignoring the fact that I live in Toronto and am inundated daily with Leaf-Hype. Through this, I have actually started to develop strong feelings about how this mess in Blue and White can be fixed. Aside from the obvious "I wouldn't have signed [McCabe/Kaberle/Kubina] to that stupid contract"-type stuff, and having come to the realization that most Leaf fans are so irrational that while they would admit that Sundin isn't the player he was, and even now trading him (a la Ryan Smyth) for prospects and/or draft picks would be selling low (two years ago would have been ideal, and perhaps would have the team back on the right track by now), they'd rather not. They'd rather see him retire as a Leaf, even to the detriment of the team. Whatever...

The point is: The above moves have handcuffed management to the point that they HAVE to do what they should have been doing for years, but Quinn refused to do. That is, play the kids. And you know what? They're not awful. Between the Wellwoods, Stajans and Pohls of the world, I don't see a single "typical Leaf" that I used to hate (see: Domi, Tie or Tucker, Darcy). I can see that Raycroft is just a band-aid solution until Pogge is ready. Despite the fact that they wildly overpaid for them, I don't mind McCabe as long as you pair him with a stay-at-home type (which I don't think the Leafs have - no, Gill does not count - but that's a situation that can be rectified in the off season), and Kaberle is actually playing like he deserved to get a nice contract, but still... not THAT nice...... I can't rationally discuss Kubina, but that was most due to JFJ's untenable situation. He panicked, and he screwed up. Every GM does it now and then, but yikes... send him away, and pay some or even most of his salary to play somewhere else. Get him away before he infects the younger players with his crappiness.

So while I certainly wouldn't go so far as to say I'm a Leaf fan (I think I just threw up in my mouth just from typing those words in the same sentence), I'm at least starting to get to the fringes of the "My Second Favourite Team is Whoever is Playing the Leafs" camp.

Okay, now I just feel dirty....

Nice touch, I guess....?

While it's nice to see that Queen's is divesting from Darfur, I have to wonder... what took so long? What rock have they been living under?

Oh well... at least they did it, right?

Setting Gender Equality Back, One Draft Pick at a Time:

Thank you, KSK... you kinda made my morning.

I think we have reached epidemic proportions here...

If you haven't heard about it yet, do check this out.

Things are starting to get outta hand....

Jen from Denver, Colorado:
If Sanjaya wins, Jews will form the new and improved Nazi Party.
IfSanjayaWins.com Rating: A+++.
New favorite.

Because I just have a twisted sense of humour...

Moments ago, from Distraction host Jimmy Carr (who I swear I saw on Just for Laughs last week) sent us off to the ending credits with this gem:

"If you want to be a contestant on Distraction, then you haven't been paying attention. We just broke her fucking finger!"

Blatant Propaganda... and I don't even get a cut, or anything......

Okay, so after months of getting beaten over the head by two of my near-daily reads in the Blogosphere, I checked out With Leather today.... and damn, where the hell have I been?!?

It's the brother site to What Would Tyler Durden Do? and borrows the services of one of the guys on Kissing Suzy Kolber, and pretty much blends their styles perfectly. The gossipy venom and dirt digging of Tyler, mixed with the pseudo-sports angle of KSK and the blatant titty pics they both seem to enjoy.

Some samples, and then I'll leave you....

+ Slamming, appropriately, the new Dice-Kream ice cream, dedicated to the Red Sox pitcher

+ Pillow fighting coming to TV

+ San Diego Charger Girl cheerleading tryouts

+ Bitching about Grey Goose trying to move in on Bourbon, with the KentukyDerby looming

You know something damned cool?

It's still *mathematically* possible for both the Leafs and Habs to make the playoffs.

Pledge Update

I've made two little announcements in the last couple of months, and since I haven't really spoken about either, I thought I'd update you on how things are going.

First, no... I haven't watched American Idol, and I have no plans to until I hear that Sanjaya has been eliminated, which I don't expect to happen anytime soon, as I hear Howard Stern has his fans actively voting for him, and seeing as Howard's listeners have swung two elections in New York (one mayoral and one gubernatorial, unless I'm mistaken), I kinda see this as child's play... the dude might fucking win, which almost makes me sick...... [holy run-on sentence Batman!]

And as for the other promise, I have held firm since whenever it was in mid-February when I decided that I wasn't going to even casually smoke anymore. And really, the fact that I can't even tell you what day exactly, just that is was sometime during the week following my friend's bday on the 10th should say something pretty strong about my level of non-addiction.

Felt those both warranted mentioning...

As if I wasn't going to watch this show....

Yeah, I'll admit it it... I've been watching The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. I've heard it described as American Idol meets America's Next Top Model.... and while I guess that's half true, the show also runs at supper time on Much, at 7pm, when there's really not a whole heck of a lot else on..... But regardless of why I'm watching, I am, and I'm a sucker for bad TV, so here we are.

Really, you can thank Melissa for this, as she got me talking about it on Sunday, and, well.... as I sit here watching this week's episode, I've decided to voice a few of my thoughts:

The first couple of weeks they kinda weeded out some of the, while certainly talented, more ill-fitting contestants. So, really, you can sorta see how any of the girls left could win.

So, their elimination performances are coming up now.... so at least I'll get to give my thoughts on each chiquita. Some of them seem lovely, but others just strike me as bitches.

First up, Melissa R. and Asia... Melissa R. is quite adorable, but surprisingly unmemorable. I always forget what she looks like, which seems weird, I know... but to top it off, she never seems to talk to the camera, so I have no idea what she's like, either. Hopefully she'll last long enough to make an impression. Asia, however, is a giant bitch who has an entirely overvalued opinion of herself. She seems to think she's going to win, and has thought that since the beginning. While she is indisputably hot, I just find her distasteful because of her bitchy attitude. That and those giant, nearly bucked teeth that I'm sure I'd be able to overlook on a more pleasant chick...

Next, Mariela and Chelsea. Mariela is an excellent dancer, and seems like a pretty alright chick, but singing is not really her forte. Being paired with Chelsea, who is almost certianly the best singer left, that just highlighted what a marginal singer she is.... and damn, also how great Chelsea is! Oh, and Chelsea is also just cuter than all get out.... but not like that "kitten lying on a puppy" kind of cute which is very non-sexual, but cute in an entirely "I could do filthy things to her" kind of way..... those little shorts she wears casually likely help with that effect.

Last up, Melissa S. and Anastacia. Anastacia is a complete bombshell. Tall and stacked. Damn. Melissa S. is just adorable... she seems sweet, and has the same propensity for tiny little shorts that Chelsea does. She might have one of the nicest asses I've ever seen.... it's almost distracting, really, but in an entirely wonderful way.. and while possibly not the most talented, she is safe this week from having won the crowd vote during their performance at the Pussy Cat Doll Lounge inside Pure, at Caesar's Palace in Vegas. What won it? She did some hip shaking that Shakira would have been proud of, and with what she's got to shake, that would win almost any crowd (of guys) over.

I just hope Melissa S. and Chelsea aren't eliminated.... thankfully, Melissa S. cant be, and Chelsea smoked her vocal, so they should likely both be safe. I'd like to see Anastacia stay too. She seems like an alright chick... oh, and hot, too....

Alright, Mariela's gone. That's too bad, but it was down to her or Chelsea, so I guess I'm glad how it shook down.

And no, I don't plan on this being an on-going feature... just had to get that off my chest.

Le Sigh....

Well, it barely took more than 36 hours before I christened my new car.

Part of me is amazed it even took that long..... you know, seeing as it's a near-daily occurrance.

Is there an equivalent to Festivus for Easter?

No, you say?

Well, fuck it... I'm still going to air my grievances! And it has been a long few days, so some of this shit has been bouncing around in my head since last week...

First, to the Leafs: Talk about a fucking choke job on Friday and again on Sunday. What a bunch of douchbags. One point out of the playoffs, and you get blown out 7-2? What he cock is that shit? It's not like I'm wanting you to knock the Habs out... but at least fucking try! If you had won one of those games, you'd be in the fucking 7 seed right now! [I have an explanation for why I don't seem to hate the Leafs anymore... but that's for another time and... well, just another time. This is certainly the place, but I'm busy venting right now]

To the NCAA Final Four Referees: Thanks for fucking nothing, and ruining what should have been a game for the ages on Saturday. For the first time that I can think of, we have two potential NBA All-Star 7-footers about to go at each other... and what do you do? You call ticky-tacky fouls and sit one of them, while leaving the other emasculated on the floor, since he can't play his game. Bullshit.

To the Ohio State preimeter players, other than Mike Conley, Jr. who can't hit a three at the best of times: Try making a fucking jumper. Your horse, Greg Oden, just put up a game for the ages, but you still got blown out.

To Wrestlemania 23: While I didn't watch it, could that Battle of the Billionaires have ended any differently? While Trump actually getting his hands dirty and honest-to-God pretend fighting was nice, did anybody actually think he'd agree to get his head shaved? Good, I didn't think any of you were that gullible.... wait, the reason you said "No" was because none of you watch wrestling? Oh...um........ I mean I don't either.... {clears throat} ...moving on.

To all the fucktards who write about baseball in the US: Can we all stop blowing sunshine up the Yankees' collective asses? Am I the only person who can't figure out how with Pettite injured that somehow still gives them enough pitching to compete with the Red Sox, or even (heaven forbid!) the Blue Jays? The BoSox should take the division, but as for second? That's up for grabs, as far as I'm concerned. I'd say the Jays and Yanks lineups both leathal, but are basically a wash... and even if you give the Yanks' bullpen an edge (after B.J. Ryan, the Jays are a little dodgy), the Jay starters are miles better.... Ugh.

Now that I've vented, some Tip o' the Hats to go with my above-noted Wags of the Finger....

To Final Four MOP Corey Brewer: Way to make a few extra bucks, Corey. You just vaulted into the first round, and maybe even a lotery pick.

To the Habs: Do I dare break out the jersey? Sit on it for now? Alright...... but still, Woo! :)

To the Raps: Way to clinch a playoff berth, guys, in Year 1 of the Bryan Colangelo Era... and with a 6 1/2 game lead, the divison shouldn't be far behind!

Finally, to the biggest highlight of my weekend:

I actually have some friends that manage to avoid trouble!

No, really... he was working the yard when this happened.

This made a random guy hug me

Well, this and the fact that I'm just too damned hot.....

I'm not saying I had never played this game before...

... but this idea just made my next ill-timed trip to the bank infinitely weirder.

And probably more fun!

If you are really PC...

...don't click on this link.

However, if you really enjoy a good play on words, and don't mind the odd borderline racial slur used for the sake of an "oh, damn... you just said that, didn't you...." kinda joke, then please do... you'll really enjoy it. :)

As a side note

That post from yesterday is entirely true. If nothing else you can check the date on the actual article. I just happen to post it yesterday. I'm not nearly as creative as some other people (I was hoping to link to the pipesdrums.com annual April Fool's article where they claim St. Laurence O'Toole was now going to be sposored by Greepeace, but they seem to have taken it down....).

As a "PS" kinda thing... if you know the person the article below refers to, you'll figure out who it is in a heartbeat. If not, there's no use in me telling you....

I'm not going to name any names....

...but it seems that my friends don't even need to be drunk to cause shit.